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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
DAMNgina · 02/07/2017 13:14

That doesn't even make any sense though?

AdalindSchade · 02/07/2017 13:15

Doesn't sound like autism to me, just boringly common selfish manchild syndrome.

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 13:47

He's not long back and I asked when he was going to go shopping. Typically, he asked if I wanted to to go with him to keep him company and I said no thanks. He said he was asking me as a couple of weeks ago he had planned a whole day at his mum's house with his daughter that he didn't invite me to and I was pissed off. I reminded him that shopping is a chore to which he replied, 'no, it's enjoyable'. I said if it was so enjoyable he should do it more then. He hasn't learnt a thing. :-(

OP posts:
PickAChew · 02/07/2017 13:50

DH has autistic traits and finds plenty of time, in between indulging his obsessions, to take out rubbish, do housework, do the shopping, parent his children....

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 13:54

He's definitely pissed off I said thank you, but no thank you to going shopping. How can he think that was a good thing for me? So frustrated!!! He probably just sees it as me picking fights with him again.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 02/07/2017 13:57

Autistic, wtaf, does whoever said that actually know what Autism is. Ease don't mistake selfish indulgent behaviour for Autism, what an insult!

Bumdishcloths · 02/07/2017 14:31

He doesn't have autistic traits - he has narcissistic traits.

And none of the reasons that you have stated you love him, OP, actually relate to his personality. They relate to how he manipulates you and excuses his own behaviour...

ClopySow · 02/07/2017 14:31

Christ. What a fucking miserable bastard - i'll take you for a pizza if you buy your own drinks.

Seriously, he might be an ok bloke, but he's a shitty, shitty boyfriend.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2017 14:47

He's a shitty bloke as well as well as a rubbish example of a father to his child. This individual only cares about his own self and he hates women, all of them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/07/2017 14:49

Feline

This individual did target you as well; of that I have no doubt at all. He saw your low self esteem and targeted you accordingly to get you to the dark place you are in now. He put you there.

mumndad37 · 02/07/2017 14:50

I can't quite forget what you described in the phone call to his Mum about picking up his daughter for him. He said "She's being a dick" and hung up on her.... then she texted to say she would get the daughter at x time.... Did I get that right?

This is Exhibit A in a huge tome of how he expects people/women to act with him!! This is what he expects from you, too!! Please pay attention. How many people say "watch how a man treats his mum, as it is how he will treat you, too someday." You are glossing over some obvious red red flags.....

DrMorbius · 02/07/2017 14:53

Is this for real?

FrogsLegs31 · 02/07/2017 14:59

I lived this miserable, emotionally exhausted life for 7.5yrs. It makes me want to shake you awake OP Sad

Think about your opinion of his mum. Then realise that she has simply been trained exactly as he is now training you to avoid upsetting him. That's you in ten years.

His every interaction with you is about control and "winning". In his worldview you are not a person who has independent wants and needs, you are an object to be controlled for his satisfaction.

When you challenged him over the last day or two you did not ever have him "scared". Whatever face he showed you is the face he thought would best regain control, he has been sorely irritated by this little rebellion of yours and you should expect him to redouble his efforts to undermine your self worth and subtly punish you for daring to speak to him as you have.

A week from now he will be worse than before and he will have you blaming yourself.

My ex used all of these tactics. The sulking was intended as punishment, a way to make me avoid complaining or questioning because always doing the washing etc was easier than three days of silent punishment and cruel words. Eventually I just didn't complain, somehow though I was still always in trouble.

It's taken me three years to begin undoing my "fears" that he drilled into me.

Don't waste your life on this man, there is no future with him only damage and wasted time that could be spent with someone who you can be equals with and start a family x

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 02/07/2017 15:12

You know, with metaphysical certitude, that this guy is not a keeper.

Everything is a transaction...what is in it for him all the time. His "love" for you comes with many strings and manipulations attached. He tells you he loves you as a tool to then be able to shame you if you don't play along.

Stop wasting your time, life is too short to put up with this crap.

Vigilant contraception...Perhaps celibacy at this point. Then just maybe he will leave you: result!

HellonHeels · 02/07/2017 15:13

WTF? He'd take you out for pizza if you bought your own drinks?! He is a grade A shit. Seriously this is NOT a good point.

OP you deserve so much more than this crap.

Applebloom · 02/07/2017 18:07

So in your original OP you were rightly frustrated over fact you wanted your bf to make dinner/have it ready for you instead for a change. But no he wanted the easy option of takeaway.

And lo and behold after a few sulks, a storm out, some manipulations he's got to do what he wanted : his takeaway pizza.
He's a slippery customer always gets his own way
Everyone else gets to feel guilty and pick up the slack
His mother 'being a dick' daughter gets picked up tho
His recycling pile has been turned into a deal were you do it and he doesn't make dinner and tries the guilt tripping shopping trip.

He has money to treat you to a new top when he needs to manipulate a situation but not to pay for drinks!!
He gets to bulk up his savings while you buy own drinks Does he pay extra on weekends his daughter visits?? Or buy shopping to accommodate her meals/snacks etc?

Mix56 · 02/07/2017 18:08

This guy earns more than you & is supposed to be sharing, but oops, actually he just wants a new bike so can't buy you a beer or two, (Who's car did he go in ?)
What happened when he got back from the shops ? Did he put it all away? WITHOUT a sulk? Did he immediately shine his own halo? put the bill under your nose? get lots of his stuff, but little else?

Do not go to on this wedding extravaganza, you'll just end up babysitting while he shows off.tell him you are not that sure you want to be integrated in his family to that point in view of your shaky foundations.
Stop this now

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 18:17

Did he go to the shops? Did he do his recycling job?

PickAChew · 02/07/2017 18:20

I suspect he's sulking about something again by now.

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 18:40

A little update...he did go and do the shopping. When he got back I was having a nap and he came and woke me to help him put away the shopping and show me the surprise he had got me. This was 2 bottles of the beer he knows I like.

He did the dishes and is in the process of cooking the dinner although all of this is done with the sense that he has done me a massive favour. He commented on the fact that I haven't sorted the recycling. I did however tidy/clean the kitchen, dust, hoover and put on and hang out a wash. I probably shouldn't have done anything but knew in would get comments about lying about all day.

To be honest, I'm feeling depressed about everything today and am still in my pyjamas. I got a show though and put on makeup. I didn't go to my sister's as planned. He said that after dinner we should both go for a walk as I haven't really been out of the house all weekend so at least he's noticing things aren't right with me.

OP posts:
picketfences · 02/07/2017 18:43

Have you had a chance to think about what you want to do with regards to the relationship? I.e. Do you want to end it or continue it?

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 19:01

I got a shower I mean.

Haven't been able to think today about what to do about he relationship. I know he won't change and that these efforts are only small gestures but I'm not strong enough to do anything right now.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 02/07/2017 19:02

I would say "the recycling is your job". if you did some of the minor brainless things regularly, there would be no back up
When you do the shopping do you make him stop & come home to put it away ? No.
this whole thing is completely fucked. (waking you up ? & for a surprise beer, that you will be paying half of. just, NO
the saddest part is you are both in mid 30s, FGS

Orangetoffee · 02/07/2017 19:17

He picked up 2 beers from the supermarket shelf, hardly worth more than a thank you. It's not like he went to the brewery or go to the shop especially for the beers, like you did for his berries.

He actually woke you up to help him put away the shoppping and you did cleaning because you feared his comments. I know what I would have done with those beers. Time to get angry!

picketfences · 02/07/2017 19:34

Fair enough sounds like your not happy and are maybe just killing some time for a bit until you feel more ready to do something about it.

His behaviour to date has been abysmal. I guess there is a teeny-tiny chance that he might change, but it's probably unlikely. Also sounds like you think this is just who he is as a person, in which case he probably won't improve much Sad

Sorry OP - it's a shit situation!

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