He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

[Felinefine81]

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

Thank you Orangetoffee. I'm off out shortly and will leave my phone at home. :) I'll see when I get back what progress has been made on the shopping/dinner/dishes front.

I haven't RTFT, but I read the first page or so and based on your OP and subsequent replies.... you are deep u see this thumb.

Get out now. Took me 5 years and him threatening to kill me and the risk of abducting my kids for me to leave.

Kick him out. And if he starts calls the cops. He's not on the tenancy so he has no rights.

Don't feel guilty. Don't look back.
He's an abuser. This will get worse.

I'm alarmed you have to tell him to take a key? Does he usually go out without one? Keeping you trapped in unable to go out as he'd be locked out? DO NOT have a child with this man - you will be lumbered whilst he lives his life of freedom.

as much as she's a lovely person, she enables this kind of behaviour.

So are you

Yes, a lot of times he goes out without one. He has been pissed off before when he's come back and the door has been locked behind him (I do this for security reasons) and he's had to wait for me to get to the door, especially in the colder weather.

Greentulips, do you mean I also enable his behaviour? I never thought of it like that.

So is he pissed off that you went out or pissed off that he forgot his key?

On those occasions I was always in the house. He was just pissed off he had to wait a few minutes to open the door while he waited outside. Up until now, I'm always there in the house when he gets back from training. I'm going to change that right away.

*wait a few minutes for me to open the door

Enabling behaviour from you:
Letting him use your car so he doesn't have to sort out his tyre
Going to the dump with the recycling so he doesn't have to sort out his mess
Taking his DD to the park so he can do his own thing
Going to the shop to buy him berries because he couldn't be bothered

It feels like he's manipulated you , by using a jokey tone, into a worse situation than before whilst convincing you you are in a better one.

You are now dong his shitty jobs in return for him, doing what he should have been doing all along as an adult, buying food?

All for beer and a takeway pizza?

He's been very clever and you are emotionally exhausted so I get why you are falling for it.

As for why he acts like he does?

For people like this, control and manipulation makes them feel powerful.

He doesn't love you, this isn't what love is.

He loves that he can control and manipulate you.

That's reflection on him, not on you - you deserve to be loved and cherish and valued - but this is not what is happening here.

It's very hard to see that when you are in the eye of the storm though.

But you are getting woke and I hope that you gain the strength to get rid.

Good luck OP.

What the hell are you doing? He's just a horrible person! He calls you and his mother 'dicks', he demands other people take responsibility for his child so he can do what he wants, he sulks, manipulates and shirks his responsibility, he's mean with money, controlling, rude, demanding, childish, the list goes on.

You moved in and committed before you really knew him. Can you honestly say the man he is now is the man you thought he was at the start?

Thanks Damngina. I know this is a stupid question and I'm being very naive but why does he continue with this if he doesn't love me? Would he not be better off going and finding somebody he did value and respect?

Because he doesn't know how too!

He wants what his mother gave him - clean sheets food on the table housework done washing sorted - so he can go out and play

I suspect he has autistic traits

1- because he gets to live in a nice house with no financial responsibility and save plenty of money
2- because he doesn't want to do all the boring household chores that adults have to do so he likes you doing them
3- because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his daughter 24/7 on his contact weekends and you can be manipulated into doing lots of the childcare
4- because he enjoys the feeling of having a woman at home and in bed to flatter his ego and make him feel like the big man

Basically you were vulnerable and he manipulated you but you could be any woman tbh

I suspect he has autistic traits

Why?!?!

Lack of social skills
Obsessions - bike and phone
Lacks empathy of how his actions affect others (rearranging a friend to take OPs place)
Lacks the ability to understand clues on relations ships give and take
Getting angry at not having his own way - not seeing fault in himself - forgetting keys for example

Feline, It really doesn't matter if he leaves today, tomorrow or a week next Tuesday or actually changes and you stay together.

The important thing is that YOU learn that you are not responsible for his moods or actions. And that YOU only have to accept what you want to and live the way you want too.

I think you need to work out what is

A) acceptable behavior to live with OR
B) Do everything you can to get the point where you can walk away with a clear conscious.

Because it is easier for him to stay. He has an easy life now, more money, someone to look after him, his DD, the house whilst he does what he wants. He moves out and he has to take responsibility which he clearly doesn't want to do. I am sure he likes you, maybe he thinks he loves you, but it is all about him, his wants and needs.

It feel like he loves controlling another human being - it's sick and twisted but it IS powerful if you think about it, ,the ultimate in power.

He feeds on it, it nourishes him.

It feels like his concept of value and respect is waaaaaay different to a healthy definition of those terms.

I feel like he thinks value and respect are a one way street - he's the King and everyone else is his minion.

He wouldn't want someone with a good sense of self or self-esteem as they wouldn't feed him.

Who knows why? Nature? Nuture?

What you do know, or are hopefully waking up to, is that this is not a loving relationship.

Maybe some time out to be by yourself and learn to value and respect yourself will help you make healthier choices and beaviour patterns in the future.

People like this can spot a vulnerable person like a hawk spotting it's prey.

He love-bombed you, manipulated you into thinking his behaviour was normal - the crazy ex? He warned you about the cycling hours?

So you felt you couldn't challenge it.

I mean that whole thing about his family thinking highly of you...?

Got his feet under the table and then relaxed into his true self.

Idealise, devalue, discard.

You do have power though - is this how you want to live?

Better to be alone than live a life like this.

His good points from my perspective are the following:-

1. even though he trains all the time and has a good body, he has never criticised my figure. I'm a size 8/10 but have always had body issues and have cellulite and am not toned. He tells me I have a great body.
2. I have a birthmark on my leg that I have been self-conscious about my entire life. I remember thinking my previous boyfriend would dump me when he asked my what it was. My current boyfriend said he never even noticed it and I'm beautiful as I am. I also have psoriasis and he never comments on it.
3. He signed me up to couch to 5k, admittedly without consulting me but said there was absolutely no pressure for me to go. I did go and completed it and he has encouraged me with running and never said anything about the fact I'm not particularly fast. He said he was proud of me for that.
4. I used to love cycling a few years ago and he came with me and helped me pick out a great bike. He encourages me to cycle and I have been out with him a few times.
5. he puts money in my account occasionally for me to treat myself to a new top, for example. Normally though and I have to admit this, it's if he thinks I'm upset about something.

I just wanted to say the reasons why I've been taken in and love him. Unfortunately, this probably also highlights my self-esteem issues.

1- that's not special behaviour, that's a basic minimum for a caring partner
2- see above
3- that's manipulative and controlling
4- so he can do his hobby/obsession with you and reduce the nagging he feels you give him for going cycling too much
5- buying your forgiveness with trinkets - are you a child? If not, don't be grateful when he treats you like one

Funnily enough, I asked him yesterday to tell me about the last time he had done something special for me. He said that it was the last time he went out on the bike with me which was about a week and a half ago. This involves us doing a couple of laps (about 6km) of a road and then him going off to do his time trial training. He lapped me once and waved hello, then we cycled home together at the end.

He also mentioned about going for pizza a couple of weeks ago which he paid for. I reminded him that this was with his daughter and was basically (although in didn't say this to him) because he couldn't be bothered cooking for us.

He's nothing special, just a common or garden piss taker. Most of us know one, some of us are related to one, unfortunately.

You will see sense, you will get there. Don't get pregnant.