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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He sulks over minor arguments and I don't know what to do

465 replies

Felinefine81 · 29/06/2017 14:37

I'm 35 and my boyfriend is 34. We've been together now for 9 months and we've lived together for around 7 months (felt right at the time and not too soon- he said he'd never fallen for anybody like this before and I felt the same). Anyway, most of the time we get on great but he has sulked on me now a number of times usually for around a day and I don't know how to cope with it. Also, we have never had an argument over anything serious so to me the sulking is over trivial matters.

Example: last night I was going out to my friend's house and knew I wouldn't be back until around 9pm. I asked if he would mind having dinner ready for me coming in as he wasn't out training for a change due to injury and I was annoyed when he suggested getting a takeaway. To put things into context, he goes out triathlon training most nights and regularly and is out from around 6.30 to 9 most nights. I 9 times out of 10 am the person that goes to the shop to buy the food and have his dinner ready for him coming in. I was pissed off that on the one night I actually wanted him to cook for me and make an effort, he suggested the easy option.

We were on the train at the time and I told him without raising my voice at all that I didn't fancy a takeaway as was trying to eat healthily and asked him why on the one night I had asked him to make an effort he was going for something lazy. This then has resulted in him going into a sulk and giving me one word answers. The only thing I got out of him was that he didn't give a fuck about having to make the dinner but how dare I question him in front of people on the train. I swear I was talking quietly and calmly and didn't make a scene at all so I don't understand his logic. When I got home from my friend's house, dinner was left out for me but he was up in the bedroom with the door closed and he's not talking to me. The last time he went into a huff is because in the little time we do spend together he is on his phone and I called him out on it. He said I spoke to him like a child and then sulked for hours.

I would like advice on how to handle this please. I am a person who has low self esteem and him ignoring me makes me feel awful. I've said to him that it feels like I can never have a discussion with him about anything that is bothering me as this results in a huff but this doesn't seem to be helping. I know that part of the reason his last relationship broke up was because of his moods. However, he tells me that she was a psycho to him and that the arguments were justified. Please help!!

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 19:36

He just said to me there, "you're a lucky girl, you know". I asked why and he said because he had gone shopping, done the dishes and cooked the dinner. I replied with, " yes, it seems I'm a lucky girl today" with the emphasis being on today and asked him if he didn't think he was lucky as well. He just said that he was but then he's always saying that. I just don't know anymore!!

OP posts:
HellonHeels · 02/07/2017 19:42

You are not 'lucky' - he's doing the bare bloody minimum, if that. Bet he hasn't done the recycling.

You can do WAY better than a selfish man like him. Being on your own is better than being with someone like him.

NellieFiveBellies · 02/07/2017 19:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DAMNgina · 02/07/2017 19:57

It's like watching a horror film...

What do you need to do, practically, to untangle yourself from him?

You don't have any joint finances, he isn't on the tenancy.

hopingforhappiness · 02/07/2017 20:10

OP if you want more info as to why you need to escape now, please PM me and I will tell you how your life will be if you continue in this relationship.
Watching you CHOOSING to stay makes me too sad to follow thread anymore.
I am becoming far too invested.
Good luck.

DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 20:17

Feline, you're not lucky. The things he's been doing are NORMAL things. He's pointing them out to you as things you should be grateful for because he's controlling and abusive.

You only need to do one thing. Tell him you don't want to continue with this relationship and ask him to leave. Then change the locks.

FusionChefGeoff · 02/07/2017 20:45

332 replies.

Every update from you makes it sound worse.

Every single other post is from women most of whom have been in your situation telling you to chuck him out.

I'm adding another voice - you do not deserve this twat and every day you stay with him is a day wasted of your new life.

Stop the story NOW before it gets worse. Because it will.

There's a wonderful future waiting for you - you just need to start looking for it.

Mix56 · 02/07/2017 20:49

"Lucky". the lucky part is that you have woken up & seen this is not living in the 21st century, his mum may have shown him this model. but Hello, you work, its you house, you lived a solvent life before him, you have friends who don't all fuck off every day after work & come in demanding fucking berries
he is absent for most of your life, (every day you are alone) the few things he is meant to do, he doesn't,... showing you a "good time" is a takeaway pizza, & letting you take care of his DD, who, in reality he doesn't give a shit about either

AdalindSchade · 02/07/2017 21:02

He knows he has no intention of stepping up and being an equal partner. He's underlining the fact that he is absolutely not going to start doing his fair share by the fact that he thinks you're lucky that he's done it today and that he's angling for praise and gratitude for doing it at all.
You know he's not going to change too don't you?

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2017 21:06

I think OP has come pretty far in a few days, understanding that the relationship is not good. Hectoring her to LTB NOW isn't particularly helpful or sensitive. It's real life, not Eastenders.

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 21:12

Thanks Unexpected. I really appreciate that. I have suffered from depression and while I know people are well intentioned in telling me to chuck him out right away, to me it's the equivalent of telling somebody with depression to 'pull themselves together'. It's never as easy as that and unfortunately, I quite simply don't have the strength right now.

OP posts:
Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 21:13

I really want to thank everybody here for opening my eyes though. I am aware now of the behaviour now and will make plans as to what I need to do about it.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 02/07/2017 21:16

Feline, I understand that you are depressed and have low self-esteem. You don't have to do this on your own. Ask for help. I'm sure your sister will be extremely happy to help you. Get as much help in the real world as you can - you'll be surprised by people's reactions. And we are also here for you.

AndBandPlayedScotlandTheBrave · 02/07/2017 21:20

Discovery of the reality of circumstances can be a shock, feline, so it is understandable that you may need to hit the pause button to process things. (More discovery, no doubt.)

At this point, however, isn't staying with him really nothing more than continuing a bad habit?

It really would be best to end it pronto. But if you need a little time (perhaps get your head around a little separation anxiety?), then change your emotional posture and disconnect emotionally. Stop asking him to do anything. Do everything as if you were already in your own. You do not need his help!

How long would it take him to notice?

Inneedofadvice20172234 · 02/07/2017 21:26

Another one saying please leave him.
If you can't do it now - you'll definitely not be able to do it in a year, two years time, when you are married, when you have kids
Like a pp said -it's not that what he's done so far is that bad - is that everyone single person that's told you to leave on this thread recognises it as the early warning signs of worse behaviour to come.
AS your relationship gets deeper they'll be more sulking, more selfishness, more controlling,
That gut feeling that made you post this thread, that you weren't treated quite right - listen to it
This guy has left an ex with whom he has a child - he could do that to you and/or you may need to leave and be a single mum too
Hes picked you precisely because you have low self esteem and tendency to blame yourself

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 02/07/2017 21:28

All the best Feline I hope it all works out for you. You sound lovely.

rockabillyruby82 · 02/07/2017 21:30

You're a lucky girl, you know What does he want? A Blue Peter badge?!?
He's done what he should be doing as an equal partner. But he doesn't see you as equal.
It really boils my noodles when men tell you they've done something expecting you to bow down on your hands and knees whaling 'I'm not worthy' XH did that, when he could be bothered!

Squishedstrawberry4 · 02/07/2017 21:31

It sounds like you are calmly accusing, which will naturally result in defensive behaviour (although I have zero tolerance for sulking). You're best framing things positively - 'I need to spend some quality time with you. Can we both turn our phones off tomorriw night?'. 'Can we have a home cooked meal instead? I'm trying to be healthy and it would help me to have something balanced'

Talk to him about the sulking when he's not in a sulk. It's not acceptable and possibly you both need to find a better way tp express yourselves.

Mix56 · 02/07/2017 21:36

feline, it is totally understandable that you will take time to undo the emotional ties, particularly as you love his DD. plans & dreams are hard to let go of.
But, if you take a look at all the unhappy emotionally abused women on here, I bet 90% are on ADs, they have been unhappy & confused & disappointed & depressed.
Of the ones that have had the wake up call, the majority bounce back from their depression within months, having ejected the abuser.

Felinefine81 · 02/07/2017 21:38

Thanks squishedstrawberry. As I said earlier in the thread, I am by no means perfect. I build things up and then start whining and go into a bit of a rant. It's difficult to keep calm when I'm annoyed so I don't question him in a particularly positive way. It's useful to have another perspective. Thank you.

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBag · 02/07/2017 21:55

I have been married to a man like this for 17 years

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 22:11

Are you going to stop being his cook, cleaner, washer woman, childcare, meal planner, etc?

Can you imagine quietly just stopping being the skivvy?

No ranting needed. No annoyance. Just don't do his stuff for him. Think to yourself, if he wasn't living with me, would he have to do this himself? If yes, don't do it. I would even stop hoovering, after all, it is his turn now.

It is good that you are going stop being at home when he gets back from training. You don't have to remind him to take a key, he is an adult. You don't have to rush back if he forgets his key.

When you stop being his mum I think you will start to see a nasty side to him and it will become easy to get rid. He won't like having to wipe his own arse. That's wimmins work.

What are his plans with his DD next weekend? Have you considered going away for the weekend yourself so he has to do everything and you don't get put in the awkward spot of refusing in front of his DAD?

FrogsLegs31 · 02/07/2017 22:11

Feline, it took me six months after his first physical abuse of me to finally leave him. I knew I was going to end it, I just needed to wait until my new outlook and awareness of how bad things were was proven out slightly more!

You will get away from this man Smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 02/07/2017 22:12

His DD obviously.

LostSight · 02/07/2017 22:20

As I said earlier in the thread, I am by no means perfect. I build things up and then start whining and go into a bit of a rant. It's difficult to keep calm when I'm annoyed so I don't question him in a particularly positive way.

Are you like this with other people, or just with him?

Again, to try to change your perspective, he does small things all the time to push your boundaries. No wonder you get annoyed.

But learn to recognise what he is doing. Every time he pushes a boundary, register it in your head.

Every single time you feel frustrated at him, but FEAR to say anything, take notice. Ask yourself why you are afraid. You should be able to be yourself.

If you can begin to recognise the pattern, you can learn to respond in a way that will not allow him to turn it back on you. when he pushes a boundary, eventually you may find it possible to respond without anger. Then you can feel proud that you have behaved as you wanted to. Find your self respect.

That little nagging voice in your head that says 'that's not fair!' Learn to hear that voice. He is lying, that voice is the truth.