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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can court rule this? I am distraught!

220 replies

donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:08

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP posts:
Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:10

That's awful! Why could he not do the travelling? What was his case?

MrsBertBibby · 08/06/2017 20:10

Were you represented?

NellieFiveBellies · 08/06/2017 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Neverknowing · 08/06/2017 20:16

There must be a reason for this op? Maybe if you explain the full situation someone can help you ? It sounds massively unjust and you must be able to appeal!
Surely if he's the one that moved he should have to facilitate unless there's a reason he can't? Also why isn't he paying maintenance? Makes no sense!
Hope someone will come along with better advice for you soon. Sounds very hard for you Flowers

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:16

Neither of us were represented.

It will require me leaving on a friday night with the children when they finish out of school activity (they love and don't want to miss) at 6;30. I could bring them home and get changed and be on the road by 7. Then get to his around 1am. Then either drive home and get back here around 7 am and then go to work.

or take the weekend off and stay for the weekend in a hotel which i can't afford esp to stay in the arse end of where he lives and hang around on my own the whole weekend until i drive them back on sunday. or go home and do the whole drive on the sunday will still cost me probably £ 100 in petrol.

I think he will get bored as he doesn't really want to see them it is all about control of me - which the court also gave him as they said i have to have direct contact with him!! something i was assured wouldn't happen due to previous domestic abuse - they said he must keep all emails about contact and not abuse me!!! He has got everything he wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:18

He pays no maintenance because when we got divorced he emptied the bank accounts and hasn't worked a day since (substantial amount of money)

So he has been unemployed 2 years now and that is the reason i have to facilitate contact because he doesn't have a car, no money etc boo fucking hoo!!!!!

He doesn't give a fuck about the kids either but thats a whole other thread.

OP posts:
Shinesun9 · 08/06/2017 20:20

No real advice apart from appeal it, keep a record or everything from him contact wise, completely outrageous Shock

Tinseleverywhere · 08/06/2017 20:21

This sounds awful. I think you should find out about appealing this.

prettywhiteguitar · 08/06/2017 20:21

I would not be following court orders and would appeal, use representation. Wtf was the judge thinking?

prettywhiteguitar · 08/06/2017 20:22

Did you have evidence of the previous abuse?

Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:24

I wouldn't do it. You need advice though.

What happens if you can't afford the petrol? What if you can't get time off work? What if the children can't cope with the tiredness and stress of the journey?

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:24

This is really shocking! Please appeal this. There must be a way round it. It's entirely unfair to expect you to do this.

prettywhiteguitar · 08/06/2017 20:25

Well if he's not arsed and he doesn't report you to court, exactly what is going to happen if you just keep making excuses about not being able to come down ?

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 20:25

You need legal advice immediately!

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:25

yep and all the evidence of how much he has let the children down - they don't care!! it was 3 magistrates in family court. Problem with magistrates is they are not legally trained. The think it is perfectly reasonable for me to update him with school stuff, photos etc I was like WTF i am not his secretary or wife!!! I have enough to do without pandying to that fucker!!!

I don't know whether to appeal or go along with it and wait for him to get fed up which I'm sure he will. I just don't trust the court anymore they just make the maddest decisions that just make no sense.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:26

Thank you all for your messages as well

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:26

Did the judge know the reality of what they were ordering? That you would have to drive for 12 hours overnight, including waking sleeping children in the car at 1am to transfer them to his house? And that you work on Saturdays? And then have to do the same on Sundays? How could anyone think that was reasonable?

PaperdollCartoon · 08/06/2017 20:27

I'm so sorry OP, that's awful. Appeal all you can, that's just not fair.

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:27

You need a solicitor and to appeal. Do not just go along with this. It's appalling.

Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:28

I would do the excuses and hope he will get fed up and not take it further. Does he really want his children for a whole weekend? (My ex wouldn't)

Hermonie2016 · 08/06/2017 20:29

Did cafcass get involved? I imagine the judge was looking at the children's right to see their dad and as you are the responsible one (job, car) they have decided you have the resources to facilate contact.
Does your ex drive or have access to a car? As surprised he wasn't asked to share a element of driving.

Don't give up yet..you may need to do the journey once (to be seen to try and comply) and then give court the feedback.

Can you get cafcass involved?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:29

This is the 8th time we have been to court - he will keep taking me to court.

I had all the evidence off how many times i have arranged contact and he let them down but the court only interested in 'moving forward"

I can't afford the petrol! I can't afford the time off work! I told the court that! I really don't know what i am going to do. Overtime i go to court whatever i think could no way happen, happens!! I would never have believed it until i have experienced all this myself! I know there is another MN who was ordered to drive to cormwal - its just a joke.

thanks for all your messages xx

OP posts:
Frouby · 08/06/2017 20:31

He moved away so my understanding was that he had to meet travel costs.

Don't do it. Can you access legal aid? I think in some cases you can if there was abuse etc. Appeal the decision, write to the court and tell them you are appealing on welfare grounds (yours and the dcs) as it will cause severe financial hardship plus the physical implications on the dcs and you.

Also try somewhere like womens aid maybe for advice.

Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:31

It is a joke and I have been through similar and I can't make any sense of some of the decisions.

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:32

There must be something that can be done to put this right. Have you represented yourself every time? In your shoes I would try and take out a loan and hire a really good solicitor to do whatever they can to fix this. It's so very wrong.

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