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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can court rule this? I am distraught!

220 replies

donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:08

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/06/2017 14:29

OK would this be a really stupid plan?

I am thinking to pretend i am friends with him (which is what he always wanted) and then just say that i am so ill with the stress of it allI have had to stop working and as a result of being unable to think properly i can't possibly drive that far etc, and just be a dick like he is.

Then if it goes to court just follow this line - the stress has made me ill etc so ill in fact that i can't attend court? I really feel that after going to court 8 times now that it is utterly pointless and you can sit there and lie (just like he has every time) and it won't make the slightest bit of difference to anything??? Overtime i go and tell the truth and do the right thing by the children and it doesn't make the slightest bit of difference?

OP posts:
youarenotkiddingme · 10/06/2017 14:48

It's unbelievable that in 2017 this crap is still able to be pulled in court.

Here you have someone who admits they have enough money not to work yet can be seen as broke.
Can move 6 hours away from children and expect the children bought to them.

I've been through my fair share of fighting idiotic situations. I'll never understand why despite how far we are meant to have come with children's welfare and families acts etc that decisions made without ANY thought to the realities still occur.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/06/2017 14:51

Did anyone mention he's managed to travel the distance for court but yet he can't do it for contact?

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 10/06/2017 14:55

Fuck that shit. I would appeal or every other weekend I would have a flat tyre, one of kids having diarrhoea. And offer for him to come collect kids himself to show you were not be awkward. Fuck I feel mad on your behalf.

IgnoreMeEveryOtherReindeerDoes · 10/06/2017 14:58

I would also go Drs sign myself of with stress. I really feel for you. Makes me glad my ex tells everyone I stopped him seeing DS cos he such as tight arse dickwad and wouldn't even bother with court. Ps I never stopped him I just stopped him giving me abuse

BandeauSally · 10/06/2017 14:59

I know this is probably not helpful but following on from my piddling on the toothbrush suggestion i would feel like being v naughty and pretend that i was delighted to have a weekend off and hint that i had a hot young stud lined up to keep me company! .
I bet he would be backtracking faster than you can say stupid magistrates.

Actually I would seriously consider this OP! It's the one thing that was guaranteed to have my ex cancel contact if he knew I had any plans at all. Nasty bastard couldn't see his way to let me have a bit of fun. He would rather not see his children than allow that.

Onceafortnight · 10/06/2017 15:02

I think your plan is worth a go. I would also play the stress card. In fact it would be the truth as I would find it far too stressful to make that journey safely with two children in one weekend. Make it sound amicable so you are not accused of being awkward or not complying with the order.

Onceafortnight · 10/06/2017 15:04

Like pp there, my ex also cancelled contact if he thought I was going out, especially if I had a ticket for something.

Original poster
donners312 · 10/06/2017 15:07

Bandeausally - thanks for all your messages. Funnily enough a couple of christmas' ago when we were more amicable we bought him a simpsons pint glass for christmas from the children. However for a week before we gave it to him i left it in my bathroom and everytime someone went to the toilet, well ........

We didn't tell the children what we did obviously but i did ask them to send me a picture of Daddy drinking out of it (oh how we laughed!!!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/06/2017 15:09

I also in the past have offered contact and at the end said i would really appreciate a quick response so that i can get my flights booked. Funny enough he has never confirmed those dates (tosser!!) so yes will definitely make out i have fantastic plans if i do agree contact.

But do think i will just keep turning up really late (OMG i'm so sorry the traffic!!!) and yes the kids or i will be sick, ALOT!!!

Thank you everyone for the messages really keeping time going and so sorry to all of you who have gone through the same!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/06/2017 15:13

It also makes me sick that the magistrates said he couldn't possibly be expected to do a school run??? Not ever!!! yet i can be expected to drive 12 hours after a day of working and day in day out of looking after the children and then do it again the next day?? Just makes you sick!!

And that i am being unreasonable to not have direct contact with an abuser!! they didn't know the details he could have been battering me half to death for all they know?

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 10/06/2017 15:16

sorry i know the above posts make me sound a bit mad but I could write pages (and have) about the horrendous things he has done to the children so it was all justified honestly!

OP posts:
flapjackfairy · 10/06/2017 15:20

You dont sound mad at all. We are all genuinely outraged on your behalf!

happymumof4crazykids · 10/06/2017 15:21

I would refuse to facilitate contact and let him take you to court again. This time provide all your bank statements and written confirmation of your contracted hours in work. Tell them you are prepared for him to collect the children from you and return them on his contact dates but you are unable to travel that distance as you don't have the funds or the time due to work commitments. It annoys me that they expect the RP to bend over backwards to facilitate the ex. In no way is this order to the benefit of the children.

youarenotkiddingme · 10/06/2017 16:20

You don't sound mad.

I I do know the absolute ridiculousness of some decisions made can make you feel like you're going mad.

Could you find a way to suggest he has holidays instead. So instead of once a month for 1.5 days he has them every 6-7 weeks for 4/5 days or longer? Suggest that it would be better for the children to form a bond with him and better for their education as they won't be tired for days on end after visits.

I'm sure you'll get back an email that suggests remaining to court but I'm wondering if when you return it'll prove he's not interested in children's best interests rather than getting what he wants.

BandeauSally · 10/06/2017 16:33

Mad?? You sure as hell should be mad! I'm mad for you! You should be hopping mad. It's disgusting that you have been treated like this. It's housing be happening in 21st century Uk!

Pollydonia · 10/06/2017 16:35

You don't sound mad, far from it. Use the support on this thread and vent when you need to FlowersGinCake

Alibobbob · 10/06/2017 17:53

Go to the CAB you will get legal aid because of his controlling behaviour/financial/emotional abuse etc.

Also go to your GP and tell them everything.

The courts and mediators seem to be siding with Father's (judging by my own personal experience and what you have said here - in family court again Friday).

Jux · 10/06/2017 23:34

Call WA. Use them for advice and rl support, and also they can probably recommend a family law solicitor.

mamakena · 11/06/2017 03:45

Just don't do it. Let him go to the trouble of court then just say, 'I was waiting for him to send me the £250 for the trip'.

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/06/2017 04:26

I agree with PP. Just dont do it.

They cant make you, so dont,

PyongyangKipperbang · 11/06/2017 04:27

Dont forget, he has chosen to not follow the rules (paying maintenance) so why the hell should you?

If it goes back to court then say that you couldnt afford it. They cant magic money from nowhere.

Threetoedsloth · 11/06/2017 05:29

Another family solicitor here. I am outraged for you too. Hope your solicitor helps you because this is an utterly BONKERS* decision.

*I am retired which makes me entitle to say bonkers.

Threetoedsloth · 11/06/2017 05:30

Sheesh - entitled. Too early for me!

CherylVole · 11/06/2017 06:43

That's bollocks about all men. Most benches are mixed. Remember magistrates have a legal advisor. They cannot deviate from guidelines.