how can court rule this? I am distraught!

[donners312]

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

You can do this. You can. Eat. Breathe. Sleep. Wake up. Get some legal representation and don't give up. One day when your kids are grown into well adjusted happy adults it will be worth it. Good luck.

I am a foster care so believe me when i tell you there is no way they will take your kids into care. They cant even deal with the extreme cases due to lack of funding,so they are not going to remove children from a mother who is caring perfectly well for her kids. It wont happen.
Also as i said previously he might think he has won but those children are not daft and are old enough to see the truth. Dont give in to despair. A few short years and they will be grown and he will be nothing to them and no one will be able to enforce such nonsense on you.
Hold on and keep your head up high and think long term i am going to have the last laugh here. Also i would be tempted to use his bathroom every time you drop them off and piddle on his toothbrush. That would give you something to smirk about on the dark days !!

Disclaimer. Joke re toothbrush ?
As a foster carer cant be seen to encourage such behaviour...ha.ha

Just posted this on another thread by mistake - I get the bit re mental hospital & brick wall too!
donners
I have been thinking about this all night and the absurdity of it all.
The judges decision has reinforced my view that the legal system is a farce - I sat in court for 2.5 days and it was the biggest load of old bollocks I have heard and I am intelligent - the judge told me so! A previous hearing about the family home was nothing to do with family - it was all about money - sadly it all appears to be about this!

Common sense tells you a father who wants a relationship with his kids does not move 6 hours away - what legal training do you need for this? The two women magistrates - what the hell were they thinking - are they revenging some personal issues here?

I have said many a time I felt abused by my legal representation. Despite what they said they were not out for my best interests- it was all about fee income. And as for the judge no comprehension of mental health not to mention X's barrister being from her old chambers.

In the end I gave up the fight- I don't need some judge to tell me what I know is the truth of the situation. I have been financially shafted but somehow like you I will make it ok- even on benefits.

You are doing the right thing by your kids - you know this- but the fight is it worth it - seems like most people on here have ended up "damaged" whatever went on and these are people that have tried to take some responsibility for their feelings.

All we want at the end of the day is for our kids to be happy - how we achieve this I have no idea.
I believed the "law" would help me - I have always done the "right" thing? - what is this? Conditioned to respect people in authority? Bollocks! - they can be just as manipulative and ruthless -

At the end of the day the buck stops with you - you are your children's mother - you know what is right for them - we are the ones that have the natural instinct - not their fathers who are supposed to provide and support the mothers - not tear them apart out of their own immaturity and inability to face up to themselves.

Do what one of the posters said upthread let him take you to court - let him do all the fighting if he can be bothered - you just get on with your life and helping your kids. If he takes you to court find a lawyer then - otherwise all your energy is going in the wrong direction.

Sorry the bit about being damaged is from this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2948360-experience-of-growing-up-in-a-house-where-your-father-verbally-abused-your-mother?watched=1&msgid=69646714#69646714

May help you decide what to do

Could you manage without a car? If you don't have a taxed car then you can not do the driving.

Just because Op has a car, how does it then follow that she should drive for 6hrs (time & petrol) & then stay in a hotel??

What if she can only afford petrol for work?
Feels to ill/tired to drive?
Causes an accident because she has driven for 12hrs to comply with the order & then gone to work.

How can OP be forced to get into her car & drive for 6hrs?

What are they going to do-send someone around to travel with her??

Isn't the law supposed to be based on reason??

We had the similar, ordered to share drives of total 500mile round trip once a month when I was barely able to afford to pay bills and buy food- he paid no maintenance. I went to my local mp who referred to me
A free family law advice.. case was dropped because he stopped turning up but may be worth a try with real legal advise and representation. Good Luck and sorry your going through this x

Can someone tell me the benefit of going to see local MP - what are they able to do to help - just wondering if this is an avenue I can explore especially as historically he was involved when trying to object to development behind my home and x sold out to developer refusing to allow me to get involved in discussions and manipulated the whole process.

If there was domestic abuse (and you can prove it/have evidence eg a police incident number) you can get legal aid. This is a ridiculous judgement by the court.

have you been able to appeal OP?

How the fuck have these people become magistrates?

wow i am overwhelmed by all the messages! thank you everyone!

I have an appointment with a solicitor next week to talk about appeal and i think i will pay for solicitor this time even though that will just put me more in debt.

I am ashamed to say i am half tempted to play the game though and presend to make friends with him (which is his only aim to get back in contact with me and mess me about) and suck that up instead of go down the court route.

I am also thinking of playing the silly buggers route and dropping kids off and then saying i am sick and can't collect them leaving them with him for a week - i know this is unfair on the children but am desperate and might make them see him for what he is ( or will they just think i'm a idiot) aaaargh so hard.

Leaderoftheteam - that is just outrageous - what exactly wee the circumstances? Did you do it? how were the kids?

diddl - thanks so much that is what i think just because i can why does that mean I should - he chose to live so far away and he chooses to allegedly not work? why should i do everything?

I woke up today (well i never slept but you know what i mean) and just so angry that he will never have to do ONE school run never mind anything else and i have to do EVERYTHING and pay for it!!

Greenbelt - thanks for all those messages and awful experience for you. You don't believe it till you go through it!! just shocking!!

I looked at the logistics of the court proposals today - it is totally crazy!!

The children would basically be up at 6 for school do a full day and then not arrive at the Fathers until 1/2 am where i would find myself in a strange town on my own where i have never been as a woman on my own and either drive 6 hours home or find a hotel and pay for that (with what????) its total madness!!!

Absolutely appalling and two of them who decided this were women.
Proves that you dont have to have a penis to be a misogynist.

So they want to deprive you and your kids of sleep.

Perhaps they need reminding that sleep deprivation was used as torture by the Gestapo during the Second World War.

OP you sound like a wonderful mum and this is outrageous! Please don't take them once and appeal and refer to your local MP! Stay strong

Sounds horrific, what do the kids want ?

well one wants to see him and one doesn't. It totally breaks my heart that in court he openly said he only said he wanted them EOW to annoy me (because i am so unreasonable) and that he would only want them one a month or once every other month. I feel like bloody telling them (of course I won't) and that he drives 6 hours to get here to court and doesn't ask if he can collect them from school/take them for tea but just fucks off back home without a bye or leave!! has done that 8 times!! I panic they might bump into him or pass him and realize he is in their home town and hasn't asked to see them??

I know this is probably not helpful but following on from my piddling on the toothbrush suggestion i would feel like being v naughty and pretend that i was delighted to have a weekend off and hint that i had a hot young stud lined up to keep me company! .
I bet he would be backtracking faster than you can say stupid magistrates.
I am only jesting op but thoughts like that would keep my spirits up on a sleepless night.

This truly is awful op. A real solicitor will help tou, even if you end up in debt, remember you'll be better off if they sort out this situation. Write down everything you've said here, all the reasons he's unreasonable.
Ask the solicitor if they can get your money from joint accounts back too, maybe if they can prove it was your money too.
Hope you're doing okay tonight.

He openly said he only wanted contact for the weekend to annoy you and they STILL okayed it.

Whats the betting these two women have issues of their own (like with their DILs) and they are projecting onto you.