how can court rule this? I am distraught!

[donners312]

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP, please appeal against this decision, don't just disobey it. Putting yourself in the wrong without bothering to appeal will just make things worse.

Thanks springy - I may contact WA myself - they have a file on me as I phoned them several times when desperate for someone just to tell me I wasn't going mad!

Why with all the evidence out there are we still having to deal with this shit - I said before judges need to be psychologically trained - they need a level of comprehension that seems to evade most of them and why are the female judges the worst!

Greenbelt - just awful and so sorry. I got totally screwed over financially so nothing shocks me and i totally do not trust the court to do the right thing as time and again they haven't. sorry you have had all this too it just eventually totally gets you down.

Springy - thanks for your support i will call them (no idea when as at work all week and feel so drained) but i will and will let you know what they say but i do feel like i am just retelling my story and unsure how they can help me really.

Cato - thing is you come to feel there is no choice at least the court order i have is such a shocker that if it does go back to court it would be obvious why i haven't followed it. Financially I can't do it and am going to play the too stressed to do anything card like he does!! its worked for him.

donners312 - I am thinking of you. The courts collude with the abuse, in my experience. My ex got 50:50 with my v v young (one still breastfed) children despite his arrests, harassment warnings, and the fact I have been heard at MARAC 4 times (it means that I am considered at imminent risk of serious injury or homicide). That was a year ago and he uses child contact to further harrass and intimidate me. The system is so so unfair.

hooray - absolutely disgusting how can it be good for children to have contact with violent men even if they are not violent to them. I just don't get it. And yes the courts seem to collude in this 'for the best interests of the children. i am disgusted on your behalf. if you haven't been through it you wouldn't believe it would you, but i do now!

Still worried for you op. I honestly can't believe the hard time you've had, so disgusting. I really hope that it is resolved.
Well done for staying so strong for your children !

Thank you so much neverknowing - i do have a lovely family (but they don't live here) and the children are great as well. But i do wake up every day and think "oh go no not another fucking day of this" i just can't see a light at the ned of the tunnel.

Thanks donners. He does hit the children. We are going through social services for the 3rd time. Smacking 10 times is a grey area in the law apparently. You are right - you wouldn't believe it unless you went through it yourself. I always naively believed that the system would protect us. It is so draining isnt it? I can highly recommend phoning your local domestic abuse charity for support - they help with keeping clarity and will advocate in your behalf. Keep strong.

OMG you are joking! yep unbelievable but i bloody believe it now!!

Its utter madness - the damage these men do and the system supporting it all is just criminal. Yes draining is absolutely the word!!

Sorry you’re going through such a horrendous ordeal, I watched as
my son went through this too. The courts turned him upside down an spat him out, he was wrecked. It’s not just women it happens to.
It seems to me it’s the sly savvy one who plays the victim that wins in the family court system. The system is rotten.

Yes I totally agree I think that is exactly the problem Annie - it is not a sex thing but there really seems to be a pattern that if you act like an idiot the court bend over backwards to facilitate your irresponsibility and if you do the right thing well......

"oh go no not another fucking day of this"
this is exactly what i feel like - ive woken up this morning thinking about the pension situation and what i need to do to keep on top of this despite having 3 financial advisers working on this - I am convinced X will have done something to stop me getting a share of this despite the court order and despite him swearing blind he did it to benefit me - we'll see - if im correct on this christ knows what i will have to do then.

Another part of the jigsaw unravelled yesterday - everyone ie my sol his sol, X, court kept saying to me apply for tax credits, apply for tax credits - why havent you applied for tax credits yet - i finally got round to doing this and yesterday found out i'm not eligible for the working tax credit of £640 odd pounds that the X kept quoting in his statement and the judge based her figures on - guess why not - because i am no longer employed in the joint company.

What I want to know is why did noone pick up on this before - my solicitor who has 20 odd years experience never "got" this part - why not? I couldn't apply before because the dividends I "received" put me above the threshold - and now when I need the money I am not eligible.

My kids have their prom Friday - my dd decided to "alter" her dress last night - she's left it for me to now put right - actually i just want to get back into bed and say fuck it to everything.

Im sorry for hijacking your thread donners - and im sorry for my mood but i read this last night on another thread to do with spousal maintenance and it has pissed me right off

Judge (female) saw through it and remarked it was yet another example of a scorned ex-wife basing expectations on greed and anger.
The tosser that wrote it sounds exactly like my X.

I also came across a zombie thread to do with child maintenance and how the CSM really dont give a shit either.

we are being screwed over by a system that is meant to protect us - but more importantly our children who are unable to defend themselves and what happens - im sorry I am just so angry all over again!

im recording my emotion here - i have a counselling session tomorrow and im taking this with me

I'm really sorry Greenbelt it is all so absolutely pathetic and unfair. The only thing you can do is become financially independent in your own right (which is really easy when you are also doing 100% of the childcare!!)

It all just makes you sick - if you are not allowed WTC you must be entitled to job seekers allowance or something like that?

or would your ex employ you so you can claim the WTC (I know the answer to that don't worry!!)

It is hard not to be bitter and angry.

My childrens sperm doner (ex twat) has suddenly for the first time in two years agreed to come to the childrens concert at school (they asked him to go) and said he is bringing his cheque book to pay some stuff for them (first time in two years) and thinks it would be nice for us all to go as a family with your mum. i am now ill as he has basically got me - he has aimed for this for two years to control and see me I just don't know what to do. If i go will he start treating the children better and start paying for things? FUCKING HATE HIM!! If i don't go the kids will be upset.

re the pension me and ex both had our own. When we went for the financial hearing I told the judge I had to cash mine in to feed the children (true) whilst he had continued to put £ 1000 PM still into his whilst pay zero CM.

Guess what the judge said "well you knew the consequences of cashing in the pension so thats your hard luck".

donners I am shocked but on the other hand, having been through similar to you with the courts, I am not.

Oh OP I am aghast for you! What a barrel of shite you've been delivered. Curses to your ex - a pox upon his measly, controlling head and the court who are facilitating his nonsense. It is a dreadful situation all round.

I feel I must interject and tell you that I am extremely dubious regarding your tactic to play him at his own game. Not to be trite, but never argue with an idiot - they'll only drag you down to their level then beat you with experience. That's how the saying goes...I am afraid that he will ramp his fuckwittery up to compensate and you will be written off as 'both as bad as each other' and the order will stand with further pressure on you to comply.

You need to see a solicitor, speak to Women's Aid and sift through this madness with the precision, decency, honesty you possess over him...and with the help of expert advice.

Donners I get this - more intimidation - had the same with parents evenings etc - x used to say to me don't kick off and embarrass the kids!

I think this is where you have to start telling your kids how it is - that you are really pleased he wants to come and see them but you and him are no longer friends and therefore you will find it hard to be a family- I think you said they are 10 & 12 ? So should have some understanding of this.

Could you tie this in with his contact time i.e. He takes kids back with him at least ask via email so you have it documented. No doubt he will say no,

I'm getting the financial abuse still through the kids too - it's like a slap in the face every time - he's buying his kids - all you can do is try and educate them that money doesn't equal happiness -my kids see what is going on even though they haven't fully accepted it yet but hopefully in time they will get it.

This is what keeps me going!

Ex family lawyer here. Appeal the bench have made a mistake. Call rightsofwomen . Org for free legal advice. 020 7251 6577. 21 days to appeal. Appeal will be heard by a qualified judge (usually solicitor or barrister with many years experience of family law who was appointed a judge). Lay benches worry me no end! When used for private children's law!

Ps
Im a mediator and unless DV is significant it's nearly always better to mediate (I can help empower victims sometimes if safe to do so). I'm an ex family sol and I help parents make sensible child focused decisions and move forward and co-parent so their children aren't caught in the middle. Not always possible I know when there is a controlling ex but should be used more often. I've even had a letter from a teen thanking me for making her life so much easier as her parents stopped fighting and she could 'breath again'. That sums up why I do this as I earnt far more as a lawyer. Not knocking all lawyers - there's many child focused family lawyers and they don't get enough recognition.

This is why magistrates shouldn't make these decisions. Say what you like about family lawyers but most of them do at least understand the challenges (emotional and financial) people in this situation face. Most important they make them clear to the tribunal, too. Just my opinion but I think magistrates should have had similarly difficult personal experiencesthe to the people they're 'judging'. It's called empathy.