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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can court rule this? I am distraught!

220 replies

donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:08

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:10

I know and even said that in court!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:11

and thats why i think he will soon get sick of having them - he is having them for 14 days in august!!!

He has seen them for 3 days in the past 2 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:12

I feel so ill - i can't remember when i last ate, days ago and i feel so ill. I am at work all day tomorrow and don't know how i'll get though it.

OP posts:
Offred · 08/06/2017 21:14

My friend has been in this crazy court nightmare. 5 years ago her (drug addicted, alcoholic, homeless) ex kidnapped her children from preschool while he was high and broke his own mother's arm in front of them then drove off with them in the car.

They always give him unsupervised direct contact despite him continuing to rack up prison sentences for violent offences and harassment of her (breeches of repeated non-mols).

Court case before this one (he always brings them) the court issued an order that she had to facilitate unsupervised direct contact, the only stipulation was that he was not to talk to the children about his mother. The reason contact stopped was because he went to prison, not because she stopped the contact. He started the proceedings from jail... Hmm

When he came out of jail he promptly went back in for harassment/threats to kill towards his mother. He came out and then went back in for assaulting 3 women including an off duty police woman and managed to blame it on alcohol so got a really short sentence and was let out after 6 days(!).

To avoid another court appearance my friend let him see the children at her house once. He took her to court anyway where they suddenly started going nuts about how dangerous he is and how she shouldn't have let him see the children at all... Hmm

This guy is completely nuts, totally abusive, kicks off on any judge in any courtroom he ends up in, often doesn't even turn up, has had more prison sentences for violent offences than I have had hot dinners and KIDNAPPED his 2 and 3 year old while high. That is not even the half of how unstable he is.... and the court has suddenly now decided that she is wrong for abiding by what they have told her every single time she has been tearing her hair out with worry about him - 'don't be dramatic'.

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:20

omg that is horrendous but now i have been in court myself and seen the madness of their decisions it doesn't surprise me at all.

You just can't comprehend what the court are thinking at all. your poor poor friend and her children.

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 21:21

offred that is truly shocking and terrifying!

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 21:21

OP please have something to eat this evening. Even if it's just some toast.

toopeoply · 08/06/2017 21:22

This just happened to my partner. An established routine of having his daughter every week. His ex moves away (2 hours) and applies to sheriff court to vary contact. The sheriff didn't listen to him at all, about all the activities he takes her too at the weekends, which she loves, extended family here, step and half siblings etc. Sheriff reduced it to two Fridays a month and he must do all the travel and incur all costs. He pays over the cma amount too. I don't even think you can appeal in the sheriff Court. He represented himself and she had a solicitor that appeared to know the sheriff..

toopeoply · 08/06/2017 21:24

That should say he had her every weekend

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:25

the decisions the court make just don't make sense do they?

OP posts:
diddl · 08/06/2017 21:33

So he doesn't work, but the one who does should travel for 6 fucking hours?

He doesn't even have to try to get half way??!!

flapjackfairy · 08/06/2017 21:34

I am incandescent with rage on your behalf donners i really am.
It is unbelievable that we bend over backwards to accomodate people who are smirking to themselves at the stupidity of our court system
Why oh why do we always seem to favour the perpetrators and feckless people who basically couldnt care less about anyone but themselves in this country. Honestly i despair!
Sorry rant over!

Your consolation has to be that your children will know they had a great mum who did everything she could to give them a safe, stable and loving childhood. They will see their dad for what he is and though it doesnt seem like it now you will have the last laugh
Sending a big hug , please eat and look after yourself and good luck with your appeal x.

MumIsRunningAMarathon · 08/06/2017 21:38

This is awful op

When I went through similiar I was told I could facilitate it using the benefits I got for the children! That's what the money ( child benefit and tax credits) are for,apparently....for the children's welfare

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:39

oh thank you so much - it really is just all so unfair, i am trying to do my best but it all seems so pointless. I literally feel like giving up my job and lying in bed forever. I have tried and tried but it feels such an uphill battle and all for nothing. I have nothing and am worn down now, i feel like he has won and it is so fucking unfair. but thank you for the lovely message.

OP posts:
MumIsRunningAMarathon · 08/06/2017 21:39

Yes op, please eat something

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 21:40

mumsrunning - yep i know that is exactly what they say, meanwhile "dads money is for holiday, range rovers and beer!!

OP posts:
cloudchasing · 08/06/2017 21:41

This is just absolutely disgraceful. I can't understand how this has been allowed to happen.

ItsNachoCheese · 08/06/2017 21:43

Seek legal advice asap and please look after yourself too Flowers

wherearemymarbles · 08/06/2017 22:30

You have had legal advise, take it.

If not, then do what 1000's of men do. Ignore it. Let him take you to court, what can they do? He dosnt want custody, the court wont jail you, they cant force you to drive ro him. In reality, Lets face it, they are somewhat toothless in dsce of defiance. as proved my all the men who never take any notice of them.

But I am surprised he was able to empty bank accounts without that being taken into account now. Certainly wasn't the case when a good friend got divorced.

greenberet · 08/06/2017 23:12

So sorry donners I totally get your anger and frustration - the whole system is a farce - im not sure about appealing - yes I get it for fairness but I have lost faith in the legal system and I'm not sure they get "fair" I'm just hearing more and more women getting a rough deal.

Somehow this needs to come from your kids - let them decide if they want to do the journey, with all the financial reasons as back up - what is your kids health like - any history of headaches etc that could be used as a reason for not spending 6 hours in a bloody car!

Some of these judges are doing more harm to the kids welfare - they need to be psychologically trained And it's the mothers who have to continually deal with the fallout!

Hope you manage to sleep x

Enidblyton1 · 08/06/2017 23:22

I am outraged for you - how awful!
What would happen if you just ignored the court? I'm not sure they can force you to do something which you can't afford to do.
It really frustrates me that you really need a good lawyer to help you here, but probably can't afford one. So unfair Flowers

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 23:25

I cannot tell you how many times he referred to what he wanted me to do - it was so obviously about control and they gave it to him.

I literally feel like checking into a bloody mental hospital the minute he picks them up and say i can't cope anymore you keep them. Or driving into a sodding brick wall on the way home/

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 23:27

WRT ignoring the order they said to me that it was cases like ours that often end up with the children taken into care because if the parents are so acrimonious then better for the children to be with neither? I do have a friend who is doing community service for not allowing contact (but she was unreasonable to be fair)

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 23:30

OP I don't know if this is a thing but do the courts keep written transcripts of what was said in court? If so, get copies of them all. I think you could have a case for appeal on the grounds that he has admitted he just wants to piss you off but also actually in your shoes I would be pressing charges of harassment. He is using the court system to harass you and has admitted it in court. I'm sure you're exhausted and would rather just take the path of least resistance but I really would be looking to put a stop to this assholes treatment of you for good. I would press charges and if you can't get a criminal case I would seek a civil case and try and get all your court/solicitor costs back from him. Even if he has to pay it at a rate of £5/week.

Tinseleverywhere · 09/06/2017 00:08

OP don't let that b*stard get to you. That's what he wants so don't give it to him. You have to be there for your kids, with a Dad like that they are going to need you. Get that appeal in and keep fighting.