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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can court rule this? I am distraught!

220 replies

donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:08

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 13/06/2017 20:41

Thank you everyone who has posted esp green beret and springdaffs. It is impossible to imagine how low these men will drag us down and make us do things we never imagined we would. TBH i would do a lot worse than piss in a glass if i could get away with it. I won't before anyone posts how horrific that is!!

I really fee; the way forward is to just act the idiot like he does - i don't think i will go back to court again or fight - it has proven time and again to be pointless. i appreciate springydaffs posts about dragging me through court being a form of abuse. it is exactly that!! He said in court he only wanted to se DC to annoy me because 'if she wants to be unreasonable then i will be too' and i couldn't believe court didn't pick up on it and i do need the support of someone who gets that. I was sick and cried all night that my DC who are the most sweet and gorgeous two, did not really want to be see twice a month by their Dad who said that would be too much?? Just so upsetting how could seeing them twice a month be too much???

There was physical, emotional, psychological, and financial abuse during and after the marriage but the court ruled i had to have direct contact with him despite police warning for harassment as well. the court said they will order no harassment or abuse? seriously WTF!! I am going to the dr. i do feel like giving up now and am shocked the court can rule all this. I am though determind i won't do any of it but i know it will be back to court.

I really appreciate your messages!! thank you!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 13/06/2017 20:42

I am only now ready to admit the physical abuse as i have been so ashamed of it - i so wish i had admitted to it before. I know it wasn't my fault but i did stay after it happened and feel a blame for that IYKWIM

OP posts:
someoneelsestrolley · 13/06/2017 21:50

I think I'd suddenly have a bad back and be unable to drive long distances!

MisterDog · 13/06/2017 22:36

I feel for you Op :( what a complete knob your ex is!

I'm not sure if it would work but could you visit your and be open about the abuse and how it has effected you and is continuing to do so and maybe they could provide a letter stating that they recommends you would be unable to do it due to the severe emotional stress it would cause and the negative impact that would have on your mental health or something similar? Sorry if that is not a great suggestion, hope this all works out well for you.

MisterDog · 13/06/2017 22:36

Your GP* sorry Confused

springydaffs · 14/06/2017 08:29

Women's Aid? Have you been in touch with Women's Aid?

Please do. You post as someone very isolated and despairing, up against an abuser and the system that doesn't see it. You needn't be isolated. Women's Aid is there precisely for this. They are shit hot good....

BlackeyedSusan · 16/06/2017 20:35

it takes, on average 35 or so incidents of dv to leave. make me pretty average. ffs I stayed even after he had been cautioned for abh. and did not tell anyone for ages and ages. (before then)

Original poster
donners312 · 16/06/2017 20:53

sorry to hear that blackeyedsusan - it's a funny thing isn't it. logically you know its not your fault and when i hear other women stories i am outraged but when it comes to your own you blame yourself (and i personally feel embarrassed I am not suggesting anyone else should - far from it)

thank you springydaffs - i can't help feeling i am wasting their time, i don't know why?

Masterdog - that is exactly what my plan is - I from now on am unable to do anything!!

someonelses - yep thats me bad back and unable to get out of bed!! Fullstop!!

OP posts:
Neverknowing · 17/06/2017 11:13

Did you speak to a solicitoryet op? I really hope this is sorted?

Original poster
donners312 · 17/06/2017 21:54

Thanks never knowing - have actually decided not to bother with the solicitor and decided I am not going to comply with the court order and he can take me back to court if he like s but as it stands it is completely ridiculous!

I am going to my MP instead to campaign for a change to the law!! doubt will get anywhere that way either ha ha

OP posts:
IrritatedUser1960 · 17/06/2017 21:58

GET LEGAL ADVICE clearly the judge has got the wrong end of the stick and does not have all the information.
You also need to get evidence of all the other items on your list and appeal them as soon as possible. Find a legal aid solicitor.
Meanwhile get a sickness cert from your doctor saying you cannot drive all that way because of a bad back, chronic fatigue any bloody thing - make it up.
Don't let this piece of shit win.

Original poster
donners312 · 18/06/2017 09:01

I actually think that the judge s do get it but if you act capable and responsible (which i did) you get lumbered with all the grunt work because you'll do it . And if you act irresponsible/pathetic/victim then they bend over backwards to facilitate your twatishness. I have been to court 8 times with my ex twat (mostly over money) and i have always walked out shell shocked and have lost faith now. but i will go to the DR and get a sick note. thanks for your message.

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 18/06/2017 09:07

You are entitled to legal aid due to his abuse.

Why aren't you using it? I mean. It's there so that you can be represented and recognises the effect of abuse in a relationship - use it. Get legalled up on him.

Original poster
donners312 · 18/06/2017 09:25

I may do - but someone upthread said that he is using the court to further abuse me and that really struck a chord. i actually don't trust the courts anymore having been so many times and this crazy decision has made e feel like giving up. Don't get me wrong i won't do what the order says but feel i need to play the victim (which goes against everything I believe - not that i am not a victim and not that there is anything wrong with being a victim obviously) but i believed i could beat him and have tried for the past two years but you can't! He behaves like an utter utter bastard and gets away with it all it has shocked me but now i am coming to terms with it and accepting he can do what the hell he likes no matter how damaging to the children and the court will support that. i haven't even posted a fraction in this post of how bad he is and what he has done it would take too long.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 18/06/2017 09:26

I di have a solicitor originally but even she said i was fighting a losing battle because he genuinely appears to not care about the children and she said normally that is most mens achilles heel.

OP posts:
peaceout · 18/06/2017 09:43

Donners, you said he earned 180k tax free, is he declaring his income...might the tax authorities be interested in his activities?

I think yes, he's playing the system, you should too!

Original poster
donners312 · 18/06/2017 09:46

thanks peaceout - he hasn't worked for two years now to evade paying CM.

It's unbelievable he earnt that much and me and the children got n
NOTHING when it went to court, no house, no cash, no pension absolutely nothing. its criminal but there is nothing you can do.

Having said that he may be working overseas - i need to find out but how??

OP posts:
peaceout · 18/06/2017 09:48

You can't beat him by playing fair and straight if he isn't playing fair and straight, but you can beat him at his own stupid game.

He's only able to win because you are sticking to the rules that normal decent people stick to, he's a piece of shit, you gotta play dirty

peaceout · 18/06/2017 09:52

I would just gather evidence, make notes, find out all you can about what he's up to, and feign illness and stress that mean you can't comply with the court rulings
You can be an utter utter bastard too, don't play nice with people like him

Original poster
donners312 · 18/06/2017 09:55

that is absolutely right peace out - you don't want to behave like that but i don't feel i have the choice to be straight anymore. If you haven't been through it you can't imagine how crap the courts etc are and how unfairly it can all play out. You think if you are decent and behave properly that justice will be done but it isn't. thanks for your messages!

OP posts:
peaceout · 18/06/2017 10:00

You gotta do what you gotta do, and you shouldn't let anyone make a mug out of you.
You can out manoeuvre him because he is used to you sticking to the rules, be clever and keep your cards close to your chest, lie through your teeth if you have to

AnniesShop · 18/06/2017 10:21

OP, try this free legal advice line for women by women: rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/

I haven’t read the full thread but it’s clear you desperately need some legal advice.
I can’t believe how the courts have loaded all the stress on to your
shoulders.
I know you must be feeling down but there are people out there who will help you. Hang in there lovie this will get better.

springydaffs · 18/06/2017 23:55

I'm a little bit despairing that you think you would be wasting WA's time.

Yy WA deal with the extreme end of domestic abuse eg lifethreatening violence BUT they deal with all other shades of it too. They are the experts. Everything is under their roof (eg Rights of Women, above). They are long in the tooth and know the ropes, the tricks and manipulations of abusers. They are very experienced, sensible, practical...

I despair of you battling to cobble all this together yourself. Is it a thing with you, to appear to have it all together? Not getting at you. Please, it's insane for you to be battling alone against - and being thrashed by - a very sophisticated system without the conclusive support of the experts.

If you hesitate to do it for you then PLEASE do it for the kids.

greenberet · 19/06/2017 06:37

Catching up on this donners As about to start another thread.

Ladies who have advised legal aid and WA - have you personal experience of these?

Having been through 2.5 years of hell I know where donners is coming from - I'm trying to recompense some of the financial injustice of my hearing as a result of solicitors claiming they got my X But let me down severely. I have stated that it's not just the x that emotionally and financially abused me but my own solicitor as well as the x,s legal team.

The emotional toll this takes on you can never be recovered - your only reason for pursuing this is the hope of justice for your children - but all the while you pursue this they are being psychologically damaged as if the marriage breakdown was not enough.

My judge got her sums wrong in her settlement - nothing at all to do with law - but "totally taken in by the other side" and went with the bullshit they gave her. I emailed her straight after the hearing - she dismissed it all - my only option was to appeal which would have kept me in this drama for how long -never mind the cost of this - the x would not have backed down

My kids want this all behind them - they are probably fed up of seeing me suffering - they still hope out that their father is a decent human being. the only way I "win" is by showing them I can pick myself up from this - that I tried to get the right help but was let down by a system meant to protect me - that I can still find happiness and that money is an evil commodity that destroys the good in people if you let it.

I had letters from mental health supporting my depression, I have received a PIP payment I even had a mental health nurse accompany me to court. None of this made the slightest bit of difference in the judges eyes. I have had depression all my life but now in my 50s I can go back to full time work having not worked for 20 years. It's not only the x' that use the courts to continue the abuse - the courts themselves allow the abuse to continue by some of their ridiculous rulings.

springydaffs · 19/06/2017 07:53

Greenberet Flowers

Yes, I've been through a simular process, for many years (I posted, above, that my ex was a serial litigant). YES to the courts fucking one over (woman judge, anyone? Woman-hating, sexist, abusing woman judge).

YES to Womens Aid and their lifesaving, heart healing support.