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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

how can court rule this? I am distraught!

220 replies

donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:08

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

OP posts:
Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:33

Can you say you are likely to lose your job?

EezerGoode · 08/06/2017 20:33

That's fucking mad...i bet they were all men making thus stupid decision.refuse to do it.say you don't have the money for petrol...

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:34

Hermanie - i think you are right, i think they thought oh she's responsible she'll have to do it.

CAFCASS was involved and were at the last hearing and i felt they really got it and understood the issues. For example the house he wants to stay in is according to his family 'unsafe' i told cafcass this and they said the children shouldn't stay there. Today the magistrates asked him if it was now safe he said yes so they said fine they can stay there.

I was thinking maybe i should do it - see if he gets bored and if not then go back to court and say it doesn't work. I mean i either pay out for hotels i can't afford putting the children and i into further dept or drive for 12 hours twice in one weekend through the night risking my life? I knocked with life as it is. and my poor lovely lovely children.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:35

it was two women and they were absolute battle axs - so sour faced!! The man was the OK one.

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 08/06/2017 20:36

The money you are going to have to pay for contact would be better spent getting some proper advice but if you ignore the order he will have something on you so in the meantime I think you need to be careful. Do you have any family who can help with a contribution towards legal costs?

Were CAFCASS involved? Did you discuss abuse with anyone?

I needs to go in front of a judge but you don't get to decide.

The money you spend facilitating contact will have an impact on the children if it leaves you short so this needs to be made clear if you do appeal.

How old are the children?

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:37

I wouldn't set the precedent of doing it even once. If they see that you could afford to do it once or twice they will assume you are lying about not being able to afford it after that. They will say you just got fed up of doing it and using money as an excuse. Whereas if you say form the start that you physically don't have the money to put enough petrol in your car to get there then they will have to think of something else.

hellohellohellooooooooo · 08/06/2017 20:37

I would call gingerbread helpline for advice. This really sounds wrong on so many levels

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 20:38

That is really appalling.

And why can't he come to your town? Why is the onus on you to make that journey? He's the one who moved away!

I would wait to see who your new MP is and make an urgent appointment. They'll be so happy to be in that they should be all fired up! Until then I wouldn't take them - you can't do that journey and work at the weekend. In fact you can't do it anyway - how are you meant to drive there and back, ffs?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:39

The DC are 12 and 10. It will impact them we are already on the breadline i have nothing and they get nothing. He said he plans to take them abroad etc - i said you wouldn't even contribute £ 25 to getting them a new passport!!

I told the court today i didn't want direct contact due to his domestic abuse so they said i have to have direct contact with him and they would put that he cannot abuse me - but this whole thing has been driven to force direct contact and now he has got his way!!

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 08/06/2017 20:39

Please get legal advice as I think you need to challenge this..the driving is a concern and really surprised thus wasn't considered as a health & safety risk.

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:40

Ive been wondering about going to my MP for ages (about not getting any maintenance) but what can they actually do??

OP posts:
prettywhiteguitar · 08/06/2017 20:41

Were the police involved with the abuse?

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:41

12 hours of driving just isn't at all possible. Sorry, how can they have ordered that. Did they actually know that's what they were ordering?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:41

I actually feel like going on telly and shouting from the rooftops about the injustice of what he has got away with but its embarrassing for the children as everyone would know what their Dad is like and its not fair

OP posts:
squirreltrap · 08/06/2017 20:43

What happens if you don't do it?

Onceafortnight · 08/06/2017 20:43

It sounds as if he couldn't do it at all so you would have to.

Re maintenance, do you get the paltry £7 pw from his benefits? If he has no income and no benefits at all then no MP can't do anything.

Shinesun9 · 08/06/2017 20:43

I wouldn't even start with the contact because he could stop and then suddenly decide he wants to see them (when he feels h wants to control you) and you have to drop everything and facilitate it or you'll be the one in breach of the order.
Appeal your ass off, go and see citizens advice, gingerbread, a good solicitor! Do you have police records from the domestic abuse?

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:44

yes the police gave him a warning for harassment and told him to stop contacting me directly. He tells everyone that the reason i told the police to stop contacting me was because he had asked me if he could see his son for his birthday. He's a massive liar.

Even today he lied and lied and theres nothing you can do but sit and listen to it. the court just don't care from what i see.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 20:46

I hope someone from the legal profession will come on and let you know what steps to take now. This is really shocking. And how can he take them on holiday if he has no money? Where's the money coming from? God, parents like this are disgusting.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 08/06/2017 20:46

Where is the common sense in this? It's absurd.
Expenses and time aside, a 6 hour journey will be awful for the dc. Mine would be covered in carsick on arrival.

I think you're right, he will soon get fed up of trying to entertain his dc all weekend and won't keep to the arrangement himself.

Sorry you're going through this x

Original poster
donners312 · 08/06/2017 20:46

He doesn't claim benefits because he is loaded so i don't even get the £7!!! Thats what i mean you go to court for money - he has an empty bank account!! go to CMS for maintenance and he says he doesn't work because he is living off his savings??? Honestly it's a fucked up system!! 2 years later not had a penny, work my arse off )while he goes on holidays) and then get ordered to do this it makes you sick!!!

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 08/06/2017 20:48

I would assume your car to be out of action for the foreseeable future due to maintenance problems. .
Unfortunately you won't be able to travel. .
Keep your bank account at the bare minimum to show you can't afford train /buses.
Beg /borrow and please seek legal advice ASAP.
If you have evidence of dv you should get legal aid.
Keep detailed expenditure for your solicitor to show you can't afford this.
You are entitled to have a stress free relationship with your dc - it's not all about him. I bet your dc would prefer to not see him than put you through this.

SpaghettiMeatballs · 08/06/2017 20:48

This is awful. I agree you can't take any next step without legal advice. I know it's expensive but I really think it would be worth it in the long term.

Natsku · 08/06/2017 20:48

Wow that is really fucked up. I agree with those saying that you should appeal and not even take them once, it is too far and too disruptive of your lives.

BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 20:50

This is really sickening.

I've long whinged about the useless CMS system in this county. It needs a massive overhaul. How can they just accept that because he has no benefits he doesn't have to pay maintenance. It would be very easy for a court to order an investigation into his bank accounts and lifestyle and make a judgement for child support.