how can court rule this? I am distraught!

[donners312]

Was in court today with my narc ex - he got contact every month which is fine except he moved 6 hours away from the children and i have been ordered to do the travel to facilitate this. I cannot believe it!

I am a single mum on benefits and minimum wage and it is going to cost me about £250 to do this as it is too far to drive there and back in one weekend. I get no maintenance - he has even asked for me to pay the costs for when he is with them.

I am in bed i am so devastated - things just keep getting worse and worse i feel like i can't go on anymore with it all. Only for the children.

I would suggest that there's a whole other side to this story. Whole.

No matter what the sides are, if something's going to financially ruin one parent then it's just not a practical solution.

I can't tell you how unfair that is. I'm so sorry. You must be furious.

I can see how it has happened.

It is agreed the children should see their father.
Mother has a car, father doesn't.
Mother has an income, father doesn't.
Father can't get to the children.
Mother will have to take them.
They will see it in those terms.

The bit about the Simpsons glass does make you sound mad actually.

@donners312 I would seriously seek legal advice about this. Considering your circumstances you needed to be represented for this!

Onceafortnight - that is exactly how it was all viewed.

It is for that reason that i am now going to play the victim like he has because being responsible and sensible doesn't get you anywhere.

Cherylvole - I totally get where you are coming from there. Before i dealt with the courts i always believed there were two sides to any story (as there always is) but now i have been through it myself i see things really differently eg his side of the financial story is that I received 96% of the marital assets and he tells everyone (inc the court) that i cleaned him out and I got nothing. The truth is in the year before we divorced he earnt £ 180K tax free. He emptied the bank accounts blatantly (his own barrister admitted he did this but said there was nothing i could do). The day of our final financial hearing there was not a penny left. So yes I got 96% of NOTHING!!!! and there is nothing you can do. The judge said the onus on me is to prove where he had hidden the money and not on him to prove he had spent it???

Saying that one has a car & can therefore take the kids to the other is just too simplistic though, isn't it?

Especially when it would involve literally turning around & driving another 6hrs to do a day's work on no sleep.

Why can't he get a train-he's got the time if he's not working!!

donners I think you've had enough experience to get that the court system is a farce - I'm not sure getting yourself into debt to prove him wrong is a good idea - there is no guarantee you will win and you will end up in a worse financial situation which will only add to your stress.
I would be inclined to "agree" with the contact - don't change your way of communicating with him i.e. Being his friend just keep it as you have been - I tried every which way to try & get the x to see how his behaviour to me impacts on the kids - he wouldn't budge not even during their GCSEs! If the kids are ill or there is something wrong with the car or you that can't be helped - let him collect or rearrange if he wants. My x has never once instigated having them for extra time in the holidays - it has always been me as I needed a break. If the first contact weekend falls within school holidays suggest he has them for a week - I can bet he'll find some reason why he can't.
And for those who think you are mad - they obviously have no experience of how this effects you - we have to get our "justice" in whatever way we can.

thanks greenberet - i don't think anyone can imagine what dealing with these kind of twats is like. I know contact is all about controlling me and has nothing to do with the children he has proven time and again how little he cares about them. In court all he kept going on about was I want, I insist, i should be able to it was so obviously about him and his control of me but they just kept going on about fathers right to see his children. I am just going to play the idiot from now on nothing seems to work and the courts certainly don't support you!!

I haven't rtft but I truly feel for you. This is my worst nightmare having left my own narc ex and was one of the factors that had trapped me in to staying. What a farcical decision. He moved away. He should make the effort. I hope common sense prevails when you undoubtedly appeal.

Have you made plans to see a solicitor yet op?

yes i am going to see one next week just waiting for them to tell me what time. Thanks for the messages.

TBH i have no faith that an appeal would rule anything sensible and i really just feel like being a dickhead like he is and just saying i've resigned from work due to stress, can't work, can't drive got no money blah blah just like he does!!! works for him!!!

It honestly sounds so shit for you. I literally can't believe they would do this, it's definitely worth appealing ! Sounds like you had a hard time and maybe someone different would give you a fairer ruling.

Thank you never knowing!! It really really is.

Footle All the details about whats happened to the OP that are on this thread and you are focusing on that Really?

Are you the ex.

Could you get someone to come with you to share the driving?

Preferably someone male and gorgeous. A friend of a friend of need be. Anyone who will be willing to help a food cause for one weekend.

Drop the kids with him with a big smile and tell him you are both away to a hotel for the weekend. Thanks for the time off.

See how that goes down.

I love it - madeforthis ha ha

thank you - helenadove tbh i do think its awful but ....

Bloody hell donners, that's an outrageous decision the magistrates made

I wouldn't even contemplate doing this, not even once. Very glad to see you've got an appointment with a solicitor coming up.

Who the fuck in their right mind thought this was OK, fuckers!!!

I'm not sure what to make of you footie - you say you're the X if this is true you are putting your ex wife and kids through hell and you still have the gall to come on here and stalk her threads where she comes for support.

My X did the same - used my posts in his court statement - i probably got shafted because I referred to lawyers as crooks in suits - all they did was confirm this!

You got off lightly with the pissing in the glass - you deserve far worse than this z- but maybe karma will do it stuff,

And if you really are appalled as you say I'm hoping you are sorting something out that is in your kids interests and not still taking the piss out of your x wife!

I think Footle was being ironic, sarcastic, whatever.

The pissing in the glass is a bit odd, but he's clearly a twat and we really don't know the circumstances and cannot judge exactly how ur op was taking petty revenge like that. I expect she washed it before she gave it to him.

greenberet, you have the wrong end of the stick. I'm sorry if you thought I was serious about being the OP's ex. I am not a man. I am on the OP's side in this outrageous business.

Women's Aid, surely! They are the experts and have lists of lawyers who know the score re domestic abusers.

National helpline is 0808 2000 247 but best to call at night as lines busy during the day. Or find your local Women's Aid office on their site - click 'national directory', easier to get through.

You NEED Women's Aid. Eg serial litigation is now recognised as a form of abuse (unlike in my day ). WA are SO up on all the tactics of abusers, you need to get them onside for practical, emotional and legal advice and support.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? Yy the horse bolted a long time ago, you know the score, sadly, but meeting others in the same position and sharing info and tips is priceless. Plus the facilitators are a mine of info.

Ime of long drawn out years and years of litigation (at his instigation) I know about crap rulings. The courts can be exceptionally dense, prehistoric, sexist, naive, uninformed, stupid etc etc. You need lawyers to cut across all that crap - WA will give you a list.

Keep going lovely. Try not to fret

footle maybe you need to think twice before you post ironic comments - I was not the only one that picked up on your remark about the glass.

You obviously have no idea what these twats put us through and how much damage they cause us. I am not the only one who's x follows posts on here.

I have come on here for support when I am desperate just like donners knowing full well that anything I say may being read by him - but I still posted as I had nowhere else to turn.

Other times I could not post even though I was desperate because what I needed to say I knew would be used against me. You have no idea how isolated this made me feel. To know that he was still abusing me through MN.

The courts let me down financially luckily for me my kids are slightly older than donners otherwise No doubt I would have been in court too over contact -there was so much hassle as it was.

My kids are still damaged, I'm damaged, donners is still in the midst of it all - if you want to support her just do so - she doesn't need to come on here and have to second guess who is posting.

Others can find support /advice from replies

I had a lot of stirred up emotions to deal with last night - even when we are no longer having to deal with them it doesn't just all stop.