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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 29/04/2017 17:27

This is the same guy who was seeing escorts a couple of yrs ago and has just lost his job? Why the fuck are you still with him?

GinnyBaker · 29/04/2017 17:28

In answer to your question, she's not overreacting, and he's not an idiot, but he is a pig. Firstly to say it, and even more of a pig to " not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting" and frankly you are a pretty lame friend to not step in immediately.

If I was your friend it is the third of these that would be the deal breaker for any future friendship.

SootSprite · 29/04/2017 17:31

If you were my 'friend' I'd never want anything to do with either of you ever again.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2017 17:34

I'm curious to see how her husband will react to it as well. I'd assume he's not going to be best pleased or impressed your husband decided to tell his pregnant wife just how fat she was.

This is the same guy who was seeing escorts a couple of yrs ago and has just lost his job? Why the fuck are you still with him?

And this? Seriously? Is this true?

theclick · 29/04/2017 17:34

That is terrible. What on earth was he thinking??

PerfectPeachy · 29/04/2017 17:35

Really? Hmm

ALittleMop · 29/04/2017 17:36

So your husband is a sexist knob who thinks its ok for him to make insulting comments about acquaintances appearance?
And you are surprised she doesn't want to be friends with you because she's "overreacting"?
Oh dear OP.

expatinscotland · 29/04/2017 17:39

If my husband said this to my friend in front of me, well, he wouldn't have got it all out for my ripping him a new head. Joke, sense of humour, my ARSE! And fuck all this 'She's hormonal and sensitive', misogynistic bullshit.

I don't blame her at all for never wanting to see him again, in fact, I wouldn't want to see you again for standing there and doing nothing whilst he spoke to me like that.

I suffered from major oedema whilst pregnant with my first two. So bad I was in and out of hospital they were so worried for me. I looked like a blimp. After they were born, I was peeing out for a week and three weeks after they were born, back below my pre-pregnancy weight. But I looked a right heifer whilst pregnant with them.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 29/04/2017 17:42

That's not a joke, it's an awful insult and I would have expected a friend to call their husband on it straight away.

She's better off now, who needs friends like that?

HardcoreLadyType · 29/04/2017 17:43

Someone with a dry sense of humour would normally make pithy little comments. The comments might be a bit unexpected, unlike those of someone who is humourous in a louder, and perhaps more obvious way.

I think your DH was going for "banter". Banter used to mean batting comments back and forward between two people, sometimes in a mildly flirtatious way, but each giving as good as they get. Banter is now often used to mean loud bullying remarks made by men to those that appear to be more vulnerable.

Perhaps your DH expected that your friend would make some insulting remark back to him, or to make some kind of jokey rejoinder. If this is the case, he should explain that to her, as part of his apology. (And why hasn't he made it yet?) And perhaps he (and you) needs to learn that not everyone will "get" his humour, so he might want to tone it down a bit, particularly when the person he is trying to "joke" with is vulnerable.

DixieNormas · 29/04/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nogrip · 29/04/2017 17:48

Your DH is a fucking rude arsehole

AtrociousCircumstance · 29/04/2017 17:51

Your friend is absolutely in the right here and it's great that she has enough self esteem to voice her very appropriate reaction.

Your husband is an idiot. It's not dry humour, just being nasty and insensitive.

I wouldn't want to spend another moment in the company of someone like that either.

MrsEricBana · 29/04/2017 17:53

Yes agree with everyone else. The only possible way out of this isite for him to go to her with a big bunch of flowers and say he was an idiot, what was he thinking, he's so sorry, please don't let it come between her and you etc.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 29/04/2017 17:53

Your husband is a prick and you don't sound much better to be honest, pregnant and hormonal?? Pull the other one, you are about as insulting as your husband, this is nothing to do with being pregnant, you don't pass comment negatively on peoples appearance - it's fucking basic manners, he hasn't got any and you are brushing his ignorance off as her being hormonal? Ye are well suited I reckon

silkpyjamasallday · 29/04/2017 17:54

My FIL told me I had 'put on a lot of weight' a few weeks after I had given birth to dd I was about a size 8. He tried to write it off as banter, and then as a compliment. He is a dick. So is your husband. Your friend is lucky she doesn't have to see him again.

CotswoldStrife · 29/04/2017 17:57

Is this thread for real? I seem to say that a lot nowadays!

Your husband is an idiot.

What did you do when he made these comments - just expect her to laugh them off? That's the reason this friendship is at an end. You are backing the wrong horse here, OP. Is this the first time something like this has happened with your friends Hmm

C0untDucku1a · 29/04/2017 17:58

op youve had quite a tough ride with your oh recently. I imagine you feel you have no options at the moment and maybe have got used to his behviour. I assume you were looking for people to say your friend was bu because you dont want to have to face the fact it is your husband.

If you post again explaining your real
Concerns over him, on a different post because let's face it nobody will rtft for an
Update this far in, and im sure loads of people will be supportive and even give advice id you want it.

niangua · 29/04/2017 18:04

There was nothing 'dry' or 'in jest' about that comment, he sounds a fucking tosser.

You calling another woman "hormonal" isn't much better.

You salvage the friendship by telling her you're as appalled as she is.

EC22 · 29/04/2017 18:07

That's a hideous thing to say, no excuse, it's not funny, it's not a dry sense of humour, it's plain nasty.
It wasn't even her 'fat' belly he was talking about which can be explained away but her arms!

You don't seem to get how horrible it was either.

TroubleinDaFamily · 29/04/2017 18:11

Shame she wasn't blessed with a quick retort.
Something along the lines of................

I am indeed huge, but I am also pregnant and soon I won't be.

You however, will always be a waste of sperm.
Angry

NellieFiveBellies · 29/04/2017 18:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HmmOkay · 29/04/2017 18:25

Sounds like he is deliberately trying to make sure you have no friends. So that you have no support to leave him.

Pretty calculated if you ask me.

ApproachingATunnel · 29/04/2017 18:31

Nah, this friendship is lost OP, dont kid yourself. If i was the (ex)friend i would certainly not want to see either of you again. Because i would be wondering what other nasty things you've been thinking about me and mine. Who needs shit like that.