My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

[MrsEc24]

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

my god the man made a very very rude offenisve comment totally out of order . perhaps not on this scale but doubt anyone at sometime hasn't offend someone with a misplaced comment . i think the best thing is a hand written note from him to apologise, to be honest flower seem like a hollow automatic response . as a dad who on my day off picks kid up from school sometimes go for along run before , it amazes me how rude people are thinking they are funny. 2 of the fattest parents stand at the gate smoking slagging me off loudly saying i stink (love to turn round and say thats because just run 10 miles you smell all the time which they do )and then because i,am out of breath, they start saying thought that was supposed to b good for you but my favourite is when they say you won,t catch me doing that . i would never comment to them on there vast size or lifestyle, yet they think it,s fine to do it to me .I don,t even know them, they think they are being funny . get him to write the letter and then contact her once it,s up to her somethings can,t be repaired

He was incredibly rude and is entirely at fault

Gah! Hadn't finished.

He needs to apologise. Stop with the 'it was a joke' 'she's hormonal nonsense'. That's just making excuses. He was rude and its up to your friend if a friendship can be salvaged. End of.

How would you feel if someone you barely know said that to you? Honestly?

Your husband was rude and he needs to apologise to her. Blaming her hormones because she got upset after someone thought it was funny to call her fat is equally unfair.

Paper doll - that thread is 3 years old.

*MrsEc24
*
It isn't funny. It isn't dry humour. There is no twist, no punchline, no amusing and clever observation. He is just telling her she is fat and burly.

This is not a case of him having a particular sense of humour and her being hormonal. He was really spiteful. He doesn't even know her well!

Don't be so dismissive of your poor friend. She isn't over reacting. I would have nothing to do with him either. He doesn't believe he was wrong - offering to apologise to the unstable little lady. Just to smooth things over...although it is her problem not his.

He has done a good job on you, persuading you this behaviour is ok. He is a bully. If you didn't stand up to him or tell him to stfu at the time, I'd question my friendship with you too.

This is the same guy who was seeing escorts a couple of yrs ago and has just lost his job? Why the fuck are you still with him?
And this? Seriously? Is this true?

Well, there was another thread started by OP where she found a really iffy sounding text on his phone along the line of asking him to confirm his 1 hour appointment at 12.30pm followed by xxx. OP Googled the number and it was an escort that lives 30 minutes from her DH's work. Somehow he managed to blame it on a technical issue with the phone.

If you think that's "dry sense of humour" , have you normalised similar remarks he makes to you?

Wonder if the OP is coming back?

Countess yes but his disrespect for women clearly hasn't changed an awful lot in three years.

The OP stated how her H was a considerate and loving person but her previous thread was the polar opposite in that she found TWO incriminating messages to a female work colleague and a local escort that he subsequently managed to come up with some bullshit that she bought.

His opinions of women are apalling and it has cost you your friend this time.

OP, I don't think you're coming back, but maybe you'll read this, so I'll type it just in case.

I've read the thread from nearly three years ago and this one. I have a feeling that the person you're married to is manipulative and probably gaslighting you, convincing you that things that seem bad aren't bad because he would never be like that. He would never cheat on you, he would never deliberately upset someone, because after all he is a kind, caring and compassionate person. But he's not is he?

You didn't come back to the escort thread to tell everyone how it all turned out in the end, but my guess is that eventually you decided to believe him and he knew you would. He knew you wouldn't contact his office because of the alleged sacking before he started working there, meaning that if you contacted them he might get sacked too ... and of course he made himself a poor victim of being misunderstood and "Oh I know you will leave me, but I'm a good person, I wouldn't do that .." blah, blah, and blah.

He's made you believe he is a person he isn't and I'm sure that since then and now there have been other things, probably small things, but bit by bit they build up and he always has an explanation and you don't want to leave him because you love him or you're pretty sure you still love him and what about the children.

N.b. I am not telling you that you should leave him. Your marriage, your husband, only you know what matters to you in a relationship, etc. But. I believe that over the years you have accepted his version of who he is and he has manipulated you to ignore the things that point out that he isn't that person at all. He's not kind and caring and compassionate, because if he was he would know that what he said was totally out of order. Anyone can make a mistake and say something awful, but when they are told how much they have upset someone they don't make excuses for themselves. What's more, you're also making excuses for him, which I'm guessing you've been getting used to over the years.

You may well have lost your friendship. Maybe he wanted you to? I don't know, maybe he's not bright enough to go that far, but he certainly deeply upset someone who is your friend and if you didn't have the courage to stand up for her when he did it, I hope you have the courage to take her side and agree with her now and not make excuses for him.

You need to think about your marriage and who you are within it, in fact you need to think about who you are as an individual and not as a wife who has a husband who tries to make her believe the almost impossible. Were you always like this? Before you got together do you think you had a stronger sense of self, or have you always felt a bit insecure? I know that everything I am saying her is pretty in your face, but I genuinely worry that you are accepting things that people should really not accept. This goes beyond your husband saying something really nasty to your friend, because quite clearly, on some level at least, he is a bully and a manipulator and he has made you believe that this is normal when it isn't at all.

One of DHs friends thought it was funny to tell me how fat I was when I was pregnant. DH told him not to, his wife told him not to, but he kept on. In the end I just refused to see him, and now if I do see him I just delight in pointing out how fat he is.

Your friend is not being over- sensitive.

There is no way you can pass this off as your husband's sense of humour. He was downright nasty and if you think it's funny then he is probably doing the same to you.

If I was the pregnant woman I wouldn't have anything to do with either of you again since you didn't stand up for her at the time.

What a deeply unpleasant man you married.

That doesn't sound like someone making a joke in any way, it sounds like he deliberately tried to be nasty.
I can't believe you're asking if she is being hormonal and overreacting.

This isn't dry humour, it was plain horrible, mean and nasty.

In what universe does he really think that would be either acceptable or funny.

You should have stepped in and said something too. I know I would have done if my DH did that.

Why didn't you say anything? It sounds like you still would not have said anything or thought it was wrong if she didn't text.

Sorry if you've answered the question already, but it seems like you've come to accept this side of him, so it didn't really register with you to call him out on his behaviour there and then.

If it was me, I would have been upset with you too, for not pulling him up in my presence.

It's bad enough when men say, I insulted this woman and she reacted badly - must be her hormones. I can't believe you're actually asking if that's what has gone on here. Obviously, as pretty much everyone else has said, this is not 'dry humour' this is misogynistic nastiness.

Your husband sounds a sadist, getting jollies from seeing others upset and masquerading it as 'humour'. He's an arse, a nasty arse. Don't lose a good friend over a sadistic cunt

OP, MrsEC24, have you read the opening post on this thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

It is stickied at the top of this board so it it easy to find. If you read Reality's opening post, I would be very interested to know how much of your relationship with your husband is reflected there.

It's not my business, I know, so I'm not actually asking. I think it might be aninteresting read for you, though.

Your husband sounds like a cunt.

You sound ignorant as to what constitutes a dry sense of humour.

How dare you allow him get away with saying such a vicious, hurtful and NASTY thing to a friend and try to excuse and minimise his behaviour.

And then have the gall to ask on MN if he was out of order?!

If I were your friend I would never speak to you again!

Actually.

I take what I said about you back. I think you are conditioned to accept his bad behavior as normal. And that's worrying because it may be you are in a cycle of abuse and too close to see that you are.

You have HIS back but not the female friend he was abusive to. Nasty comments to you aside OP, I think you must look deep at the state of your self esteem and why you are with a man like him and unable to leave him. I truly hope the responses here don't stop you from that self reflection.

Plain rude OP, my H has a dry sense of humour , and this isn't an example of one unless she looked like a twig

Echoing what everyone else is saying your husband was rude and cruel.

My boyfriends brother, playfully called me fatty, when I was pregnant, but......we are very very good friends and I'd reply with, I know and I loved it!

If your husband really meant it as a joke, he needs to seriously re-think his boundaries and sense of humour.

I'd be expecting him to apologise profusely as I'd be doing yourself if you heard him and didn't pull him on it.

Did you get similar comments when pregnant by any chance?

Whats wrong with you that you didn't tell him to shut the fuck up?

This. I'd have ripped my husband a new one if he started to comment on how fat a friend was to her, but he would never and has never done such a thing and I don't think I would be with a man who would. But if I had the misfortune to be involved with someone like that he would have been stopped in his tracks in no uncertain terms, the fact the op is unsure , casts concern on what she thinks is normal and the state of her relationship. No woman would think this is acceptable unless she is so abused she fails to see what's wrong.

I'd have lamped your husband if he said that to me. Actually I'd have got my husband to do it and his arms are MASSIVE 💪🏻
Your husband was a total inconsiderate rude cunt

If someone had said something so nasty to me while I was pregnant I would have cried. Big snotty sobs that would have lasted the rest of that day.

to your friend for having to listen to that shit from the arsehole you're married to.