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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
ChinchillaFur · 29/04/2017 16:00

Unfortunately there probably isn't any coming back from this as it was so hurtful.

I know a couple where the DH overheard his best mate of 30 years (and his best man!) saying something uncomplimentary but mildly funny about his wife. He vowed never to speak to him again and he hasn't! It's been almost 10 years now. That couple used to go away for weekends and allsorts and they say they are 'dead' to them now Sad.

I don't think there's much you can do but accept her feelings. Maybe wait a while and send a card? Was your DH drunk?

quicklydecides · 29/04/2017 16:00

Let's forgive this reverse since she's pregnant.

Iflyaway · 29/04/2017 16:00

he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone

But he's not, is he?

I would feel the same as your friend.

DoItTooJulia · 29/04/2017 16:01

What did you say/do when he said it? Because TBH you're lucky she still wants to be friends with you.

I'm not sure there's a way back from this-you're not responsible for the actions of another human being, but you should have stuck up for your friend and said 'DH-that's not funny at all. In fact it's unkind and I think you should apologise' but seeing as you didn't do that I think it's too late to try and make amends on his behalf now-the time to do it was at the time it was said.

I imagine you'll see less and less of her.

Whathaveilost · 29/04/2017 16:02

Did you not think to say 'ok knobhead, what the hell are you going on about!?' prfrably in front of her. If not why not.

I remember some dick saying that to me when I was heavily pregnant and he got told that at least I was only pregnant and not terminally stupid. He retorted that he was joking. I replied that I wasn't! I then got told I clearly had no sense of humour!!
Idiots everywhere!

MickeyRooney · 29/04/2017 16:03

Your husband is a horrible person.
You have very low standards, don't you?

FlyingFordAnglia · 29/04/2017 16:04

Sorry op, that's a shocking thing to say to anyone, why would being pregnant make this humerous? It seems to be fair game for a pregnant woman to be called up on the size of her bump, and a bit of banter could be had. But to comment on her fat arms?! What if he'd told her she had a fat face or a massive bum? Would that have been an attempt at 'dry humour' too? I'd be making him apologise (and realising how offensive his comments are, and how she's not just a hormonal pregnant woman taking offence) and I'd be apologising myself for not standing up for her at the time.

SandyDenny · 29/04/2017 16:06

What a nasty piece of work your husband is.

If I was your (ex) friend there's no way I'd ever want to see him again and if he sent me flowers they'd go straight in the bin.

Why would he apologise, he's not sorry, wankers who make comments like that will never change. I couldn't live with anyone like that.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2017 16:06

Jokes at other people's expense are just bullying and mean. My husband has previous for it but he would never do this. I'd have intervened immediately and put a stop to it if he had. Did you just sit there and let him insult her?

If it is true then yes I can see why she would not wish to be friends with either of you and why she wouldn't want her kid to be round such a mysognisitc person.

There is nothing kind or considerate about someone who would do this and you are married to the sort of man that would. I feel sorry for you if it's true. Are you so used to his insults you are immune to it?

soapboxqueen · 29/04/2017 16:06

It was an incredibly rude and unkind thing to say. While in all honesty I wouldn't have been massively upset, I know others would and some deeply hurt. I think you need to respect your friend's decision to not want to be around your dh. Really make your dh aware of what he's done and how hurt your friend is. It doesn't matter that he thinks it is an over reaction.

I don't think this means he's a bad person overall. Everyone says stupid, unthinking things at times.

kittybiscuits · 29/04/2017 16:09

Unthinking...I would say quite a lot of thinking would have to go into being so offensive.

soapboxqueen · 29/04/2017 16:11

If that were the case kitty the world would be a different place.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 29/04/2017 16:11

I'm with your friend. Life is too short to deal with a friend's tosser husband.

Were you in the room when this was said? Or did you overhear?

Tell us what your response to your husband's horrible comments was.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 29/04/2017 16:15

Going against the grain here, if it were me I would just say, "Give over you cheeky bugger, I'm pregnant and eating for two here." But this sort of banter based insult humour is what I grew up with (Welsh working class) and I know most people don't get it.

In my head I would be thinking your mate has overreacted, though I wouldn't be surprised at her reaction.

fassbendersmistress · 29/04/2017 16:16

I'd be furious with my DP if he did this to a friend. And even more furious with myself if I hadn't called him on it at the time and supported my friend by letting her know it was wrong and unacceptable. What did you do OP when he made the remarks?

The fact that you've said you don't know what to do now makes me think you're normalised to this sort of behaviour/comments from your DH.

You should have replied to her message immediately agreeing with her and apologising on both your behalf. At this point, pick up the phone and call your friend, then send flowers and hope for the best.

LisaMed1 · 29/04/2017 16:18

What is he like with your other friends? Does he make similar remarks to them?

NotInMyBackYard1 · 29/04/2017 16:19

Just over 3 years ago I was at work very heavily pregnant - think I worked to 39 weeks and had the planned c-section the next day (3rd child though!) and the visiting music teacher arrived, took one look at me and exclaimed loudly
'Wow - you look more and more like a beached whale every time I see you'
I still cannot bring myself to be civil to her 3 years later - I might add that she is a good few stone overweight herself, and I have returned to my pre-pregnancy size 10s smug
Your DH was totally out of line and he needs to go round with some flowers and apologise - now!

mainlywingingit · 29/04/2017 16:21

Your husband is horrible

There is nothing "jest" about it.

So personal, low and downright mean. What did he think that would achieve.

You sound a bit in denial yourself frankly to even question that she may be overacting.

No point having my people like that in your life. Sorry OP

pointythings · 29/04/2017 16:23

If my DH had said that to one of my friends in my presence he would have had a bollocking from me on the spot. But he wouldn't have said anything like that because he really does have a dry sense of humour. Rather than being a nasty piece of work, like your DH. He needs it hammering home that this was not funny, just fucking rude. And your friend has every right never to want to speak to him again.

OldGuard · 29/04/2017 16:24

I think he needs to realize he was incredibly rude and then grovel - he needs to go around with flowers and basically say he has no excuse for being a complete arse and while he understands if she can't forgive him, he hopes that she will as he knows he was thoughtless and horrid and has learnt from the experience

SabineUndine · 29/04/2017 16:25

That's a completely twattish thing to say under any circumstances about anyone, let alone the pregnant friend of your wife. I don't blame her and tbh if I had been you, I would have called him out on it there and then. You obviously didn't, and you've even needed to come here and ask us what we think, so I would guess you've lost yourself a friend.

sparechange · 29/04/2017 16:26

Did he say this in front of you?

Agree with what everyone else says. He is a total idiot

And I'll also bet this isn't the first person he has massively offended with his 'jokes'

I had a friend with a husband like this. He thought he was some sort of wacky comedian but he was sub-David Brent with overtones of casual racism and homophobia
I lose count of how many friends she has lost over him because she thinks he is just being funny when he is being a total rude arsehole

MrsKoala · 29/04/2017 16:27

There is nothing 'dry' about that. It isn't humour at all. It's just a rude comment. Confused

Why does he (or you) think it's 'dry' or a joke? What's the joke? She has fat arms so he says she has fat arms? That's not a joke but just pointing out something personal in a rude way.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 29/04/2017 16:29

Your Husband is cruel. Not funny.

You should have had your friend's back.

Your Husband had offered to apologise. Why offer? Why not just do it?

You can't say something rude about a pregnant women and blame her hormones if she is upset. Hmm

scottishdiem · 29/04/2017 16:29

As an isolated comment it seems very cruel. Does he usually make these kinds of comments.

Do they have a track record of speaking to each other in off-colour ways?