My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

[MrsEc24]

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

On what planet was what your dh said remotely funny or a joke. I have a very dry sense of humour, I would never say anything like to anyone.

Your friend is not over reacting at all. Your dh is a twat and if you can't see that then maybe you're friend is better off without the both of you.

IlovemyMam, you say that you don't think the OP's husband's comment was funny but you can see that he meant it as a joke.

How can you see that he meant it as a joke if it isn't funny?

What makes you come to that conclusion?

Well I think I already explained that really,so my husband would make a joke about my friends pregnant belly but would not make fun of her arms,so I can see that he tried to make a joke but shouldn't have really used her arms as the joke,you're nit picking at my words and that's fine,I think you know exactly what I mean but never mind,I'll just delete my account because obviously not everyone can have an opinion and think that not everyone is out to offend people all the time

IlovemyMam are you Welsh by any chance? Because as I said upthread, this kind of humour is seen as fine amongst my family circle too.

ILovemyMam but the size of her arms are unrelated to her pregnancy so your comparisons are completely irrelevant.

why do you feel the need to defend or minimise what the OPs dh has done?

He has personally attacked and upset a pregnant woman and refuses to acknowledge this. It is not OK and wrong to be passed off as humour or an over reaction of hormones from the target.

Well, I grew up with that sort of humour too - and plenty of other types of humour - but it really isn't always appropriate. If you only have one type of humour then you're a bit deprived. Bethatasitmay, you must know by the time you've left school that your humour can be hurtful and how to deal with that when it happens.

If he had ended his little tyrade with "But, seriously, you look fantastic, I'd forgotten what MrsEC24 was like when she was pg - you glow like she did. It's wonderful" then that would have sorted everything. But he's either utterly insensitive in not even noticing that he was being fucking horrible, or he didn't give a shit and wanted to be mean, or he's just a bit dim. IMO.

Anyway, op has dumped this thread like she does with all of them, probably because we are generally telling her that her dh is horrid.
I suspect that she is finding that hard to hear.

Sorry, MrsEC24. I hope you are OK, but I think your friendship with this woman is pretty much done and dusted. I also think that he will do this, and has done this, to other friends of yours/family.

Be careful, don't let him isolate you.

What a horrible man. Good luck to you OP and your life with him.

1. Terrible that he said it in the first place.
2. Terrible that, when pulled up, he doesn't understand and accept responsibility and, in fact, compounds the insult by blaming her for over-reacting.
3. Terrible that you are unsure whether he is an idiot or she over-reacted.

We all say thoughtless and unintentionally hurtful things from time to time, but true friends have the good sense and self-awareness to realise and make a timely and sincere apology.

The fact that the offending comment had to be explained to your dh, and then he had to be prompted to make an apology (which he resisted!) shows that he doesn't think he did anything wrong. This basic insensitivity / cruelty (and you being undecided about what occurred) shows that there is a profound difference in how your friend, and you / dh think people should be treated.

It is an awful feeling to be insulted by a person you count as a friend, but even more insulting and undermining when that friend minimises the offending comment and tries to pass it off as a joke. Your friend's head must be spinning.

Yes, it all happened quickly, and you'd like to think it wasn't such a big thing in the overall scheme of things. But it is a very revealing moment - what was said, and the reaction. Honestly, I don't think your friend should forgive and forget. This would be the end for me.

I doubt she will end it over this - she didn't end it when he was seeing escorts............

Quite honestly anyone who feels the need to make extremely unfunny comments like that (I am unable to find any humor dry or otherwise in this) has zero social skills and needs to get some quick.
I would have furious in her place, as my mother used to say if you have nothing nice to say say nothing.
You are wearing rose tinted glasses if you think this is in any way funny, it was just cruel.

I saw that Poo

One of my DH 'friends' made a similar comment to me 19 years ago in a thinly veiled attempt at humour. I was about 7 mths pregnant too and I was very upset atm though didn't show it. He may well have forgotten it but it has coloured my opinion of him ever since. He subsequently split with his lovely partner and I think she had a lucky escape because he acted like the food police with her and sulked if she didn't go to the gym every day.

Sadly I don't think your friendship will survive his insensitive comments but hopefully he will learn to keep his opinion to himself in future.

Has the OP been back at all? I'm I intrigued as to whether they thought this was funny at all?

Omg I am mortified for you. You really had no idea that your husband is in fact an absolute jerk.

There is no way on earth that his comments could be considered witty, they were extremely rude, sexist, disrespectful and downright cruel. To even think such things about a pregnant woman is bad enough, but to be so socially backward as to say them aloud is extraordinarily dense.

And what the hell about her arms?! he doesn't get to dismiss that insult as a pregnancy joke.

He isn't funny. He isn't considerate. He is utterly crass.

Honestly, you'd be wise to ditch him and stick with your friend. And learn from her about what is/isn't acceptable!

Wow! That's so mean and rude and just bloody awful! I'd be mortified if my husband said that to one of my friends - or to anyone for that matter! Totally uncalled for.

Op, your husband is a nasty creep. When I worked in England, one of the RE (yes, really) teachers told me a story about his ex-girlfriend. He said they were going to a festival and when he went to her house to pick her up, she was wearing a pair of shorts. He told me that he said to her, 'OMG, look at your cellulite.'

I HATED him from that second - he turned out to be one of the most bullying, evil and vicious men I have ever encountered. He was one demonic man, like your husband.

I had a boyfriend who would try to be funny by saying something stupid. He didn't mean to offend anyone with his comments but he was a bit of an idiot when it came to making some jokes. Trying to be funny and smart at the same time.

I think the OP's husband made a stupid joke without thinking twice. He probably thought that because she is pregnant it's alright to make a joke about her weight because it's a temporary weight.

Ilove - the difference is that your husband knows your friend extreamly well and hopefully makes appropriate jokes based on a mutual long standing caring/supportive relationship and a gage of how self conscious/upset she might be.

Would your husband joke about size with your friends he doesn't know? Because that would be idiotic and body shaming.

at people telling you to leave your husband and he is 'demonic'. FGS, the man has made a stupid remark, not murdered the woman.

Your husband sounds like a cunt, and you, OP, sound spineless, brushing this off as 'dry humour'.
I'm glad you're not my friend.

To be fair, ItalianMare, telling a woman she looks really fat and murder aren't THAT far apart on the scale of badness.

soulaccount

Any update, OP?

Have you managed to discuss the situation with your (ex)friend?