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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 29/04/2017 17:00

my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour.

She's probably also hurt because you didn't pull your husband on what he said. Did you really just sit there and not say a word in her defence? Shock What your husband said doesn't indicate 'a dry sense of humour', but a rude and nasty one.

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 29/04/2017 17:01

You were expecting everyone to say 'she's hormonal and over reacting' weren't you, OP? Grin

kirstxx · 29/04/2017 17:02

It's bad enough when people ask pregnant women 'who ate all the pies' or something similar, never mind singling out a different part of her body to pick on. Poor woman.

If you were there and didn't comment on how fucking stupid/inappropriate/dickish his comment was then she probably sees you differently too. There's no way I could sit by and let someone I know speak like that to a friend.

There's dry humour and there is being a fucking dick because it's 'banter'

picklemepopcorn · 29/04/2017 17:05

I think the ship has sailed on making this right. If you had challenged him there and then - don't be a dick you can't say stuff like that! - and then apologised for him, you might have got away with it. As it is, I don't think anything he says is going to smooth it over. He should still apologise! Just don't expect her to accept it.

flumpybear · 29/04/2017 17:06

Really rude!! If he's said that to a
Friend in front of me I'd have torn him a new
One!!!!

WicksEnd · 29/04/2017 17:06

There's a difference between a dry sense of humour and hurling insults at someone.
Neither of you seem to understand the difference.

snototterly · 29/04/2017 17:09

Your husband need to do more than 'offer to apologise'. He should phone and give a really sincere apology, not text. Totally out of line of him.
Also, it wasn't great of you to not pull him up on it and defend your, clearly insulted, friend.

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2017 17:09

Why didn't you say something at the time?

He's an arse.

corythatwas · 29/04/2017 17:10

Somerville Sat 29-Apr-17 15:43:44
I don't think you understand what a dry sense of humour is. It's saying something funny in a very deadpan way, without much expression. It is not telling someone who has or on weight that they look really fat. That isn't any kind of humour at all - it's rude and unkind.

Good on her for having good boundaries. "

This.

Chloe84 Sat 29-Apr-17 17:00:03

"She's probably also hurt because you didn't pull your husband on what he said. Did you really just sit there and not say a word in her defence? What your husband said doesn't indicate 'a dry sense of humour', but a rude and nasty one"

And this.

Your husband sounds like the school bully, and I am afraid your lack of reaction makes you look like one of the gang of hangers-on that tend to surround school bullies.

IhatchedaSnorlax · 29/04/2017 17:12

Your DH is a complete dick & if I were her, I'd be going nowhere near either of you ever again.

QuintessentialShadow · 29/04/2017 17:12

Your husband is nasty. Really nasty.

So, I have questions:

Does he do this to your other friends? Why would he want to ruin your friendships?

Does he speak like this to you or other people? Have you become so accustomed to it that you dont flinch any more?

Why did you not defend your friend, and make it plain to her that you dont want anybody talk to your friend like that? How did you actually react? I am really surprised you dont see how rude he was!

If I was your friend, I would never speak to either of you again.

The fact that he thinks she is overreacting just proves what a dick he is. He does not care she is hurt, he is just patronizing her further.

And you really need to question your husbands motives.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/04/2017 17:12

I don't think this thread has gone the way the OP expected.

Peanutbutterrules · 29/04/2017 17:13

You're kidding right? You can't really think this is anything other than hideous?

Reverse?

Imaginingdragonsagain · 29/04/2017 17:15

What a rude unkind thing to say. I don't understand how anybody could find it humourous.

SweetLuck · 29/04/2017 17:16

It comes across as if you think a 'dry' sense of humour is one that isn't funny?

LuckyButton · 29/04/2017 17:17

Your husbands a cunt.

No 'considerate' man would ever say that. There is no circumstance that I can imagine in which my Dh would say anything like that to anyone.

You don't sound much better yourself. Why did you say nothing? Why this muted reaction from you about your husbands appalling behaviour?

I'd be so embarrassed to be you right now.

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 29/04/2017 17:17

Going against the grain here, if it were me I would just say, "Give over you cheeky bugger, I'm pregnant and eating for two here." But this sort of banter based insult humour is what I grew up with (Welsh working class) and I know most people don't get it.

This is the sort of thing that might have been said between me and my brother, but that would be within the context of a history of winding each other up/banter. I wouldn't expect someone that only knows someone casually to make that sort of comment.

Chippednailvarnishing · 29/04/2017 17:17

I'm not sure what is worse, your husband's comments, or your inability to see that he's a shit.

Sammysilver · 29/04/2017 17:18

Bloody hell! The responses here are way over the top. This man clearly didn't mean to offend. His comment speaks more to his lack of understanding of women rather than an intent to insult. Yes, of course It was an idiotic thing to say and a poor attempt at humour. I imagine that in his (simplistic) mind, he wouldn't have made the 'joke' if she was just fat, as opposed to being pregnant, seeing as her increase in weight is temporary. However, To judge this man on just one poor joke when the OP, who actually knows her husband, has said that he's a kind and considerate man, is just ridiculous. He needs to send an grovelling apology to her asap.

Xmasbaby11 · 29/04/2017 17:19

Argh that's awful. That kind of joke only works between close friends with established shared humour.

Has he said this kind of thing before?

Benedikte2 · 29/04/2017 17:21

Be honest OP : if your friend's DH had said that to you, would you not have been hurt?

BastardGoDarkly · 29/04/2017 17:21

Op?!

I would've called my dh on it there and then if he'd said something so far beyond the line. he wouldn't, he's more brains than to comment on anyone's weight, ever

PoorYorick · 29/04/2017 17:23

Your husband is an idiot. And even if he thinks she is overreacting (she isn't), he should still apologise because he has hurt her feelings. If he was genuinely trying to make a joke then presumably he wanted her to be amused. If she's hurt instead he should be mortified.

If he's not, then it's all about him and he's a twat.

Costacoffeeplease · 29/04/2017 17:25

Jeez what a grade A twat, I'm not surprised she doesn't want any more to do with him

VimFuego101 · 29/04/2017 17:26

Did you really sit there when he said it and not call him out? That would hurt me just as much as his comment.