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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
Pollydonia · 29/04/2017 16:29

Your husband is a nasty bastard.

C0untDucku1a · 29/04/2017 16:29

Very nearly unanimous!

Does you husband ever say nasty things about you passed off as humour?

cadnowyllt · 29/04/2017 16:29

Men should be more careful the way they talk to women - its not like talking to other men.

kaitlinktm · 29/04/2017 16:30

I don't think the OP is going to come back. Sad

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 29/04/2017 16:30

Dear god, what a really wankerish thing to say. And to top it off he thinks by being upset she's overreacting! Oh yes, he insulted her ("oh but it's just banter innit") and she had the audacity to not find it funny (so clearly has no sense of humour) Hmm

Were you there when he said that or did your friend tell you? If you were there I really hope you pulled your DH up and made it obvious you don't condone his behaviour. If you weren't there, adn wnat to save your friendship, I think you should make it very clear you think he was out of order and that you've had a right go at him. I also think he should reflect on why his "joke" might have missed the mark, and should offer her a heart-felt apology.

Taylor22 · 29/04/2017 16:30

You're husbands not funny. He's a cunt.
And you trying to defend him makes you look like a bit of a twat.

That's not me being mean. That's just my dry sense of humour.

Beeziekn33ze · 29/04/2017 16:30

OP - This can't be a one off, how does DH usually talk to or about your female friends, relatives, neighbours, women he works with?
I wouldn't want flowers from him, just not to have to be in the same room again.

SavoyCabbage · 29/04/2017 16:30

Where were you when all this hilarity was taking place? If you were there, then it's likely that she now thinks that you are not the person who she thought you were. And she doesn't want to be friends with you any more.

I would assume my dh had banged his head or something if he started saying things
Ike that to anyone, never mind one of my friends who,was a guest.

Minniemagoo · 29/04/2017 16:33

Not funny, not in any form of humour.
Your Dh is at best thoughtless, cruel and mean.
Apologise to your friend.
Consider if you have become immune to his horribleness, no considerate loving person would say such comments

PovertyPain · 29/04/2017 16:36

Are you the husband, OP?

FlaviaAlbia · 29/04/2017 16:37

If he speaks like that to someone he doesn't know very well, I wouldn't like to see how he speaks to people he thinks he's on friendly terms with. He was appallingly rude and hurtful, not 'dry'.

PerspicaciaTick · 29/04/2017 16:40

Your DH is an idiot.

It sounds like he seriously overestimated the level of familiarity he shares with your friend. He also overestimated both her ability to see a "joke" and her ability to give back as much as he gave. He should apologise to her himself, perhaps send a card?

Having said that, it sounds as though you have already lost her as a friend. I think all you can say is that you are sorry she feels unable to ever forgive your DH or see him in passing and that you hope you will still be able to be friends when you run into each other with the children. Then see what happens.

TessTube · 29/04/2017 16:43

Ouch that's nasty OP.

I would ask him to apologise she might still not want to be anywhere near him but at least it's something.

HardcoreLadyType · 29/04/2017 16:43

He was horrid.

Good for your friend for not just accepting it, but for expressing her hurt about it.

I don't understand the concept of "offered to apologise", either.

Surely, if you've hurt someone, particularly if it wasn't deliberate, you would want to make amends as soon as you could. It doesn't matter whether he understands why it was hurtful, the fact that she was hurt is enough reason for him to apologise.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/04/2017 16:43

Op your husband is a nasty prick. What horrible comments to say to someone, especially that he does not know very well, how does he know she could have had an eating disorder? Or issues with her body. You just do not say things like that, it is unacceptable, tbh, I don't blame your friend one bit. It is concerning that he thought he did not say anything wrong and is overreacting.

happypoobum · 29/04/2017 16:45

I am amazed you even have to ask to be honest. He is a total wankbadger.

I can only assume that years of being with him have desensitized you to normal sensitive human interactions to the extent that you think this kind of nasty shite is "humour".

Your poor friend.

What did you do/say when he laid into her like that? Did you sit there laughing at her?

Oysterbabe · 29/04/2017 16:47

Last time you posted about him he didn't come over well either did he? I'm not sure he's the man you think he is.

User2468 · 29/04/2017 16:48

Is your husband this verbally abusive to you? Is that why you can't see how awful he is?

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/04/2017 16:48

I really don't see how a considerate man would think that was a funny thing to say to someone they didn't know well (and know they liked that kind of humor), or could find it difficult to see why someone could be hurt by it.

However, I think if this is the first time he's been rude to her, you've told your friend he meant it as a joke, and he's willing to apologize, your friend ought to try and put it behind her. You can't force that though. It's up to her. Being pregnant can make people more emotional and take things to heart more than they might otherwise, so hopefully a bit of time, your support and repeated apologies on your DH's behalf will let her cool off a bit and forgive him.

Bluntness100 · 29/04/2017 16:50

Yes I'm curious as to whether you were there and what you did about it and I'm also curious as to if he does this, insults people and then calls it humour and you have started to think it's normal. And does he do it to women more than men? doea he do it to you? The kids?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 29/04/2017 16:53

What makes you think that is in any way reflects a 'dry sense of humour'? Confused

It doesn't. What your husband said indicates somebody of low wit, lacking in emotional intelligence. The fact that you seem to be backing him up suggests that you're well-matched.

I hope your friend can rationalise the idiotic comment for what it was - and find a better friend.

booksandhearts · 29/04/2017 16:53

If that was my partner he would have had a good telling off straight after he said it! In front of my friend so she knew I had her back!

I bet she feels terrible, my partner has said unnecessary comments before around my friend regarding her weight and I have told him there and then that is so unnecessary and hurtful, luckily she took it in her stride but it is no way to talk to a woman!

RomanticWalksToTheFridge · 29/04/2017 16:56

Your husband sounds like a dick to be honest.

Sorry.

DonkeyOaty · 29/04/2017 16:56

He has "offered to apologise"? What does that mean? He's rung her and said 'I am going to apologise to you in 3 2 1 if that's ok'? I think not

Jux · 29/04/2017 16:57

He's an idiot.

Did you say anything at the time? Did you apologise for your dh's horrible remarks or you did you grin along with his humour?

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