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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 29/04/2017 22:58

Strange the OP hasn't come back.

elevenclips · 29/04/2017 23:05

At best it was badly misjudged.
At worst your husband likes making others feel shitty.

I'm not surprised she doesn't want to see him anymore. At least she had the guts to tell you exactly why.

Surely he knows it's completely unacceptable to comment on someone's size in that way.

greyishblue · 29/04/2017 23:20

I think she may have got the message by now.

LadyLapsang · 29/04/2017 23:31

The fact that you are asking us if we think she is over reacting illustrates how accustomed you are to his poor behaviour. Why does he want to isolate you by ruining your friendships?

motherofdaemons · 29/04/2017 23:59

He's a prick. He should send her flowers and a sincere apology.

DirtyChaiLatte · 30/04/2017 00:20

If your DH really was a 'genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone' then he wouldn't have said those nasty things in the first place.

If he was such a 'genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone' then he would be mortified and disgusted with himself that he hurt someone like that.

What's the point in his apologising when he clearly feels no remorse and thinks she's 'overreacting'?

SandyY2K · 30/04/2017 03:00

If your husband thinks that was acceptable, tell him to run it past any of his colleagues and get their opinion.

This isn't a close friend that he's known for a lifetime who might have previously heard his rude and hurtful comments. You live with him, so you've become used to it.

The poor woman comes over for a playdate with her DC and gets humiliated by your DH and you do absolutely nothing.

Incredible! I'd have to cut you both out of my life for good, in order to deal with it, because seeing you would be a trigger for me.

3luckystars · 30/04/2017 03:20

That's not funny. Do you think he was trying to get rid of your friend?

befuddledgardener · 30/04/2017 03:49

Body shaming isn't a joke, it's nasty. A joke is fine only if both parties find it funny. What on earth made him think it's ok to talk to a women he barely knows about her body? Why doesn't he fully get it?

He should apologise. Dear X, my wife has just explained about body shaming and I'm very sorry for being so stupid earlier.

It would be silly for this to effect your relationship with her. You're good friends, your husband was stupid, he's reaped the consequences of his shitty behaviour and who knows, maybe when she's feeling less vulnerable post birth she might be able to move forward.

Maybe have an honest chat with her next time you catch up. Explain how mortified he was at upsetting you as he didn't intend to.

123MothergotafleA · 30/04/2017 05:08

He needs to send her a Decent and large bunch of flowers and a personal apology, at least. That's if he's not trying to isolate you from making friends. I strongly suspect this is the case, and your behaviour here proves it.

SiouxieQ · 30/04/2017 05:28

Agree with everyone else, he's a prick and you're a dick for siding with him and not sticking up for her.
Your poor friend.

SoulAccount · 30/04/2017 05:37

What do you mean, he has 'offered ' to apologise?

Why didn't he actually apologise, straight away?

Your DH, and you, need to issue a heartfelt apology, with flowers, right now. Whether or not you think it will restore your friendship. It is the right thing to do.

elkegel · 30/04/2017 06:02

I'm not surprised, what an utter dick. He needs to make a grovelling apology to her straight away. If you didn't immediately pull him up on his comment it will have compounded the hurt from her perspective.

sheepashwap · 30/04/2017 06:50

What an absolutely awful thing to say. To anybody. Hormones entirely irrelevant.

IlovemyMam · 30/04/2017 10:18

My husband would and has made similar jokes to my friend when she's pregnant,she laughs about it and throws a joke right back at him,we all laugh about it,including her husband,because it's just joking,her husband would joke with me like that and we'd all find it funny,we are all incredibly close though so know without doubt that it would be a joke and nothing would ever be said to hurt any of us,maybe your friend doesn't know your husband that well to be able to joke like that or maybe she doesn't like to joke like that,and obviously that's totally fine,but some people do and it doesn't make them awful people,I definitely don't think your husband set out to deliberately hurt your friend at all,I think he tried to have a joke with her and it back fired because she doesn't find that kind of humour funny,I don't think he was as others here have said trying to be rude or a "cunt"

user1471518295 · 30/04/2017 10:45

ilovemymam - how can that be funny? It just isn't funny - there was no joke there - just insults.

OP - a dry sense of humour is not hurling insults at people. You need to google that and stop sticking up for your horrible husband. I would grovel to your friend who is clearly very upset, and do not use the word "but" in your apologies.

fannydaggerz · 30/04/2017 10:52

Your husband insulted your friend.

Were you there when the comments were said? Did you not say to your husband that what he said was nasty?

My husband would never speak to my friends like that, if he did, he would get a bollocking in front of the person he had insulted.

IlovemyMam · 30/04/2017 11:07

User- I said me,my best friend,my husband and her husband would joke around like this and take it for what it is-A joke,we would never ever mean it to hurt,maybe something you would find funny I wouldn't and the other way round,that doesn't mean either of us is awful people,we would obviously not joke like that with people who don't know us well as they could take it as rude and probably would,and like I say we are all incredibly close friends and have known each other a lot of years so would know without doubt it was a joke.
Everyone here is so quick to jump on people and immediately presume this was said to the op's friend to offend and he's rude and a "cunt",I do think the husband should apologise,but only because the friend didn't find his joke funny and was hurt by it,but I don't think he intended to upset her,who would deliberately hurt someone like that?,no one I know that's for sure

kittybiscuits · 30/04/2017 11:13

He didn't make a joke

HmmOkay · 30/04/2017 11:16

IlovemyMam, can you explain what you think is funny about it?

Where is the humour in it exactly?

happypoobum · 30/04/2017 11:16

I think the issue here mam is that for the rest of us, nobody we know would think saying something so nasty and insulting passed as a "joke"

I wouldn't say anything so vicious to my best friends that I have known and been close to for the past 40 years. Feeling free to hurl insults at someone isn't a signifier of being close. I tend to think that the people I am closest to are the ones who would defend me from such garbage, not be throwing it my way.

Chloe84 · 30/04/2017 11:41

ILovemyMam Comma again?

IlovemyMam · 30/04/2017 11:51

We do not hurl insults at each other,come on,who does that?,we jokingly wind each other up,take the water out of each other,my husband would say to my pregnant friend " look at he size if you!!" and call her "4 belly's",she has 4 children,he would only ever say that when she's pregnant,her husband would joke with me the same way,and that's all it is a joke,a laugh,it doesn't make us bad,rude,awful people.I actually don't think the op's husband making comments about the size of her friends arms is funny at all,I can just see that he meant it as a joke and not to offend her,he was wrong to make the joke to her as he obviously doesn't know her well enough to know she would find it funny or not,if my friends husband had of said that to me I would have fired something straight back as banter because I know for sure he would be joking around,I would take offence if a stranger said it to me and my friend would defend me to the death as I would her if a stranger was to upset us,I never said that I thought by throwing insults at each other makes us close at all did I?,I said we've known each other a lot of years,are extremely close and know that if that was said to any of us it would be a joke nothing else

IlovemyMam · 30/04/2017 11:52

Chloe84 what does "comma again" mean?

Emboo19 · 30/04/2017 11:56

I get what ILovemyMam is saying. If both people know each other well enough, it can be a joke. Obviously not in the Op's case though.

As I said my friend called me 'fatty' throughout pregnancy. It was definitely a joke and no offence was taken.

My dad has known my god mum for 24 years and when she was pregnant, he'd joke about her size.
But again, it's the nature of their friendship and definitely not said in a nasty way. She always makes comments about his appearance and in particular his hair.

My other god mum, who he's known just as long. He's really different with, because they just don't have the same friendship.

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