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Original poster

My husband comments has ruined my good friends relationship

223 replies

MrsEc24 · 29/04/2017 15:35

Husbands comment to good friend has ruined our friendship
Hi there,
One of my good friends is 30 weeks pregnant and is feeling pretty large and I would expect fairly insecure about her body as she is normally slim. This is her second child and we met and became friends at baby groups when we both had our first so about 3 years now. In that time our kids have grown close and we have been for evenings out together with our partners. My friend does not no my husband particularly well but they got on as did I with hers. Yesterday she came over for the afternoon for a play date and catch up, my husband in his wisdom thought it was funny to comment on her size ' blimey you are really fat, look at the size of your arms, you could take someone down I wouldn't want to mess with you' it was said in jest, somewhat dry sense of humour. He thought she would take it in her stride and tell him to get lost! At the time she didn't say anything but later that evening she text me so say how disgusted and shocked she was that he spoke to her like that and he wasn't the man she thought he was if he thought that was any way acceptable. The bottom line is she said she will not forgive him and never wants to see him again. He does not understand why she has reacted like this and thinks she is over reacting. I understand how his thoughtless attempt at humour could be insensitive and offensive especially when she is feeling vulnerable being pregnant and I told him so but he doesn't seem to get it although he has offered to apologise. She doesn't want to know at all and is very angry. If I thought for any minute he said that to be deliberately hurtful he is not the sort of person I would be with, he is a genuinely considerate, loving person who would not intentionally hurt or upset anyone and said something stupid and unfunny which has seriously back fired! I don't know where this leaves our friendship now and that upsets me a lot especially for our kids but I don't know what I can do. What are your thoughts do you think she is being hormonal and over reacting to the comment or my husband is an idiot.

Thanks

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 29/04/2017 15:38

I think your husband was really nasty.

Why on earth would he think telling a pregnant woman she was fat be in any way funny?

I'm pregnant, I would be disgusted if someone told me I'm fat. I would have no respect for them and certainly would not want to be in any form of contact with them again ever!

Seeingadistance · 29/04/2017 15:39

Your husband is an idiot.

reallyreallyreallytired · 29/04/2017 15:39

If my friends husband said that to me I would also be incredibly embarrassed and hurt. I'm totally not surprised by her reaction. I would be totally disgusted if my husband said anything like that to a friend of mine! I wouldn't forgive him for it! I would be embarrassed and ashamed. All you can do I suppose is not minimise it, but acknowledge how upset she is.

floraeasy · 29/04/2017 15:40

Not sure I see the "humour" in the remarks which were basically insulting, I think!

But it's good your husband is willing to eat humble pie and be more careful in future. I think his type of humour might go down better with "the guys" really - ribbing each other and trading insults.

Your friend might calm down and be ready to forgive later on. I hope you won't lose a friend over this.

Hopefully, it will all come right.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 29/04/2017 15:41

Your husband was completely out of order, that was a horrible thing to say and it doesn't sound jokey at all - just plain, outright nasty.

He needs to apologise, and keep his horrible opinions to himself from now on.

ratspeaker · 29/04/2017 15:41

Nope a considerate, loving person wouldn't say that to any woman let alone a pregnant one.

Teddy6767 · 29/04/2017 15:42

I would be deeply offended and wouldn't want to see your DH again either. What a bellend!
You describe him as a considerate person.... REALLY?! I don't know too many considerate blokes who would laugh at a woman's face about how fat she looks, regardless of whether it wasn't just a (terrible) attempt at humour

NinonDeLenclos · 29/04/2017 15:43

Just tell the silly man to apologise.

Euphemism · 29/04/2017 15:43

I think she probably is being a bit sensitive and hormonal however your husband is also an idiot and shouldn't be 'joking' about anybodies weight in the first place.

Quartz2208 · 29/04/2017 15:43

Your husband told a heavily pregnant lady she looked fat is very unnecessarily cruel and hurtful and now he thinks she is overreacting which means he either lacks any empathy about how the comment might be hurtful or he knows and doesn't care.

Did he want her to say get lost that makes it sound as if he wanted a reaction and I assume you did nothing.

I don't blame your friend at all he crossed a line and can't see it

Somerville · 29/04/2017 15:43

I don't think you understand what a dry sense of humour is. It's saying something funny in a very deadpan way, without much expression. It is not telling someone who has or on weight that they look really fat. Confused That isn't any kind of humour at all - it's rude and unkind.

Good on her for having good boundaries.

If he genuinely feels remorseful then he should write to her to apologise, and give his head a wobble about personal remarks. There are no guarantees she'll forgive him though - you have to leave the ball in his court.

If he doesn't feel remorseful then I'd keep friends you make in future away from him TBH.

JuniDD · 29/04/2017 15:43

So is she actually looking very slim and his comment was a 'dry' attempt at pointing this out? Because otherwise there's not much dry about what he said.

Rude, unnecessary & out of order. Did you say anything to him at the time? She's probably also upset that you didn't tell him to STFU too.

Branleuse · 29/04/2017 15:44

Your husband was not funny at all. I would have been really hurt by that and I am not surprised your friend doesnt want anything more to do with him. Some things you just cant take back. How dare he.

Eminado · 29/04/2017 15:44

Oh my goodness - I would die of shame if my husband did this Shock.
There is nothing funny at all about what he said. Pregnant or not.

Yikes.

Can I ask - do you think his comments are in any way acceptable? I genuinely cannot see how they ever could be.

Oysterbabe · 29/04/2017 15:44

No she is not overreacting or being hormonal, your husband is an arsehole. I would have cried my eyes out if someone said that to me and I suspect she did when she got home. It wasn't even as if he was commenting on her bump, what the fuck is wrong with him?!

qazxc · 29/04/2017 15:45

He's an idiot .
And is making things worse by not sincerely apologizing and making out she's the one with the problem.

floraeasy · 29/04/2017 15:45

Just out of interest - does your DH speak to you in this fashion? If so and you are okay with it, maybe he thinks women in general love this sort of thing.

kaitlinktm · 29/04/2017 15:45

Yes he was very rude. I would have been furious if I had been your friend - and I would have been furious with him if I had been in your shoes. I don't really know how he can claim that he wasn't being deliberately rude. Were you there when he said it?

I know he has offered to apologise but you say yourself that he thinks she is overreacting so really he does think what he said was OK - and it definitely isn't. Unfortunately she doesn't have to accept his apology.

I suppose you will have to accept that you can't socialise as couples/families any more and consider whether you would want to suggest just the mothers and children meeting up during the day without the husbands. If you or she is not willing to do that, then I do think you have lost your friend.

Seriously - if your husband really does think what he said was OK and that the woman was overreacting, perhaps you should put him right before he loses you any more friends.

KRG13 · 29/04/2017 15:45

He sounds like an absolute tosser, does he have any idea about boundaries and social appropriateness at all usually?

Guitargirl · 29/04/2017 15:46

In what way were your husband's comments not hurtful OP? In what way is calling someone fat funny and not designed to hurt? Your husband is an idiot. If he had made those 'funny' comments to me I would have told him to piss off. It would not change my friendship with you. But your friend is clearly upset, I don't think it's for you or any of us to say she's overreacting.

Orangetoffee · 29/04/2017 15:46

I have quite a dry sense of humour, your husbands comments however were plain nasty.

Inertia · 29/04/2017 15:46

That's not what a dry sense of humour means - your husband was just plain nasty. If you were there at the time you should have spelled out to your husband how upsetting his remarks were, and I would think she probably feels let down by you too.

PossumInAPearTree · 29/04/2017 15:46

Your dh is an idiot.

20 years ago a friends husband made a comment to me about how I must stay quite warm while surfing I had plenty of natural blubber.

I still remember that comment and at the time didn't want anything to do with him anymore. I haven't seen either of them in years. I imagine he's still an arse.

PossumInAPearTree · 29/04/2017 15:47

I'm curious as to what your reaction was at the time? Did you laugh or did you bollock him?

ImperialBlether · 29/04/2017 15:47

Does he tell you he has a dry sense of humour? As a pp explained, you seem to have misunderstood what is meant by that.

I don't blame your friend at all. I wouldn't want to see him again and would be very hurt by his remarks.