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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:

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bookbook · 15/03/2017 18:48

Hope you have had a better day, coping, eating, resting ((hugs))

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 15/03/2017 21:51

Thank you for checking in all of you.

I've done nothing today, nothing at all. Got up this morning to see to youngest and then went back to bed after he'd gone. Just felt exhausted and defeated and hopeless :(

Dd is doing the order of service leaflets and she wanted to put miniature red cardigans on each of them. She looked online but couldn't find anything cheap enough or suitable. So she put a message on a local page and was contacted by a knitting group who said they'd be pleased to help. They've also suggested putting safety pins on each of them so that people can pin them on. They won't take any money off us either but Dd works for a large confectionery company and will give them a ton of chocolate.

People are so kind, it really touches me. We're still getting cards and messages, some of them from people M hasn't seen in 35 years. I've had so many offers of help and support, including all of you on here.

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magimedi · 15/03/2017 22:25

Going back to bed was the best thing you could have done.

You must be beyond exhausted - just look after yourself & remember to keep hydrated & drink lots of water - I suspect you are loosing lots from your eyes...........

We are all here for you & never feel you have to check in - that's our job.

Huge hugs (((xxx)))

DramaAlpaca · 15/03/2017 22:53

Honestly, I think you are doing amazingly well getting out and about at all at the moment. Hope you managed to get some sleep when you went back to bed.

How kind of the knitting group, that's a lovely gesture.

Like magi says, don't feel you have to check in if you don't feel up to posting. We'll keep checking in on you though, just so you know we are here.

Many hugs

bookbook · 15/03/2017 22:58

Rest is a must, - depressed and defeated are part and parcel of exhaustion.
What a lovely thing from the knitting group. Sending love via little red cardigans
Just as I will just send my thoughts and prayers to you tonight xx

marriednotdead · 15/03/2017 22:59

Just popping by, wanted you to know another someone was thinking of you and sending love and supportive vibes

Willow2017 · 15/03/2017 23:06

Juan
Good for you. Your body was just telling you that you need to stop and let it rest. It needs to destress and heal a bit, you are running on empty. You may not notice a difference but there will be.

Its great that everyone is rallying around to do the cardigans what a lovely idea.

Do try and eat something, completely random coincidence but the other night I was on Pinterest and jumping from one thing to another landed on 'Breakfast Smoothies' thought they might be good for the kids, they arent 'breakfast people'! There are some lovely recipies you can tweak to whatever your preferences are, maybe dd could look them up for you? Just a bit of extra nutrition even in a drink would be good for you. You need to take care of yourself as well as the kids. Hope you dont mind me suggesting them.

Hope you have a good night tonight. ((()))

daisychain01 · 16/03/2017 04:17

(((((Hugs to you, Juan)))))

You did the best thing, nipping back to bed, go with it, if you need to sleep it doesn't matter when, just take advantage as your body clock is bound to be all over the place atm xxx

MackerelOfFact · 16/03/2017 07:50

Oh my goodness, the red cardigan thing is lovely. The kindness of strangers.

Another who wanted to check back in to say that I'm still thinking of you.

If you found yourself wanting to talk to the woman in the cafe, maybe you would find it helpful to link up with a support group in your area? It might feel too soon but it's an option when you feel ready.

WitchDancer · 16/03/2017 09:04

What a lovely thing for the knitting group to do - people can keep them and wear them later too.

JaneJeffer · 16/03/2017 11:49

Hi Juan, I came across this today and thought of you. Hope you don't mind me posting it here

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

TheConstantCakeEater · 16/03/2017 13:36

That sounds like such a lovely idea from DD and the knitting group for agreeing to do it.

Hope that you got some sleep and that you are hanging on in there.

Chasingsquirrels · 16/03/2017 13:56

Sending some love and hugs your way Juan

MrsGotobed · 16/03/2017 18:45

Oh Juan the red cardigan idea for the order of service is so lovely. A wonderful, personal touch.

I'm another one that has been thinking about you and your family a lot. You honestly have so many people who are here to listen to you, support you and who are just thinking about you and sending love and positive thoughts your way.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 16/03/2017 19:13

The cardigan idea is lovely.

My very wise counsellor once told me that sometimes you need to stop fighting and just rest and recuperate for a bit so you can build up the energy to keep going on. If you need to go back to bed and do nothing there is no shame in that, you are just doing what your mind and body need at the moment.

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 16/03/2017 19:35

Hello lovely The Mumsnetters. Jane thank you for posting that article. I feel the same way in that, in all honesty, I don't think M and I will ever meet again. I hope that I get to the point she's at where I can be grateful for what we had. I'm not there yet though - still very much at the missing him/struggling to accept he's gone/this is a nightmare stage.

I'm glad you all seem to think going back to bed is ok - because I did it again today. Just couldn't face the thought of doing anything or seeing anyone, despite having lots to get on with. I told myself that I'd give in to it today, but tomorrow will get back in the saddle.

M would have considered a day in bed a wasted day. Even when he was at his most ill in the past, he would always get up and dressed, even if it was just to go back to sleep on the sofa. He often used to send the dc off to school by saying "don't have a good day. Have a great day". Or he'd say something like "you'll never get Thursday 16 March 2017 back again, go and enjoy it". I can't remember if I've written that before - apologies if I'm repeating myself.

I dreamt about him today. He was in the kitchen doubled over, but slowly straightening up. I said "are you coming back to life?" and he said "Yes, I think I am". I said "I knew you would, I knew you'd do this again". Waking up was awful :( I feel as if I'm making no progress towards accepting this - I'm crying less but the pain is as savage as ever.

OP posts:

magimedi · 16/03/2017 19:48

Darling Pesky - you are at such an early stage of your grief for your beloved M.

Sorry, but the pain is going to be savage for a bit - it's the really early days of grief - and you just have to ride it out.

Don't try for too much too soon - it's a 'one-foot-in-front-of-the-other' & KBO (keep buggering on) situation for you right now.

And don't feel bad about going back to bed - M thought it was a wasted day but he had you to get up for & , tragically, you don't have him to get up for now.

My love is winging its way to you - as ever.

(((xxx)))

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 16/03/2017 19:52

Oh Juan, waking up from that dream must have been dreadful. I can see how something like that would knock you right back. Rest and time are what you need right now. It's still very early days.

(I haven't posted since very early in this thread but I have been thinking about you a lot. Not much good to you if it's not expressed, though.)

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 16/03/2017 19:54

Juan, I did comment earlier but I just wanted to come and wish you my thoughts at this very sad time for you and your DC.

My DB lost his wife in November 2015 leaving him with my two youngish neices and it was hard and sad and utterly awful. He and his girls have taken it a day at a time. And sometimes it's been 5 minutes at a time. But he's getting there.

And I am sure that you will too. But for now you don't have to. Be as sad as you need to be. Until your ready not to be. You clearly have fantastic support on here and in real life and that means you're loved and will continue to be and one day you'll feel ok again...it will be a different ok, but that's fine.

MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 16/03/2017 19:56

Hope you can excuse the errant "your" in there, clearly should be "you're"!

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 16/03/2017 20:19

Oh Cat - I'm sorry your DB has had such an awful loss and I'm glad to hear that he's getting there, however slowly.

Thank you Gasp for checking in. Well thank you all for checking in. Magi that's what M used to say - ie, he had us to get up for :( I know it's early days - only two and a half weeks - but it feels like a lifetime already. I am dreading the funeral with a vengeance. But I'm also dreading it being over because then it will be so final.

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2017SoFarSoGood · 16/03/2017 20:39

Oh Juan I am sitting at my desk crying at your dream. You tell it so beautifully and it sounds so real. How awful to wake up from that to reality. Perhaps more so because he hadn't yet given you any words of comfort.

I never had the honor to know your lovely man, but I suspect he might have strong words with you about taking care of yourself and getting on with it etc. BUT NOT YET. Now is the time to rest up, be kind to you, and to eat a little when you can. And to cry. That's okay too.

Original poster

JuanPotatoTwo · 16/03/2017 21:16

2017 sorry for making you cry. And you're right - he always had our welfare at heart, and he would want me to take care of the dc and myself. Thank you for kind words.

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MyCatIsABiggerBastardThanYours · 16/03/2017 21:17

Juan thankyou for the kindness to my db. He and the girls are getting there. As will you. When you are ready.

Meanwhile you are inching towards your new normal. Take your time.

DramaAlpaca · 16/03/2017 21:19

Oh that dream, how horribly upsetting for you.

Don't worry about being in bed, your mind and your body need rest.

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