My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

I am sure you are dreading the funeral - but I think you might feel a tad better when it is over.

We have to wait far too long for funerals in our culture.

Cat's post was very wise.

Am here..... am sending love.............. will be here..........

another here, thinking of you. Juan
I think funerals are such a final thing- no wonder people find them hard.
I really don't know if this will help - (ignore if its too painful) but when my DM died, after the funeral we had everyone round and did great big albums of photos for everyone to flick through- it brought back amazing memories, and got people remembering all the lovely times. We tried to make it a celebration of a life.xx

Juan sweetheart, I hope you sleep tonight.
Sending you and your dc my very best wishes.

So sorry you had that upsetting dream, but try to see it as an escape valve just for now while your emotions are so ragged and you are processing such an assault of feelings. Keep having those power naps as they will keep your rest 'topped up'

Although the funeral is a terrible realisation of the finality of your beloved DHs loss, it does bring a sense of resolution and a celebration. It will also pull you, your DCs and fammiky and friends together. The sheer power of that love and unity will live with you always. Xx

Oops family I meant. I woke up and am all sleepy, but wanted to check in and let you know I'm thinking of you, especially as it moves closer to next week for the funeral x

Evening all. More wise words, thank you.

The order of services arrived today - they look really good but I found them very upsetting.

I've not cried all day until my lovely neighbour came over tonight. She told me that on the Thursday before M died she was talking to him out in the front garden. She asked him where I was and he told her I'd walked into town because I thought I needed the exercise but he thought I was beautiful just as I was :(. That set the tears off.

Ds2 has a load of friends here at the minute prior to going to a party. They're loud and young and healthy and full of life and it's lovely to see. Two of them came in here (kitchen) with me and insisted on making me a gin. So I'm having my first drink since M died and drowning my sorrows.

You're amazing I'm sending you love xxx

oh dear Juan - the young folks and the . That's a combination that will keep you occupied for a short while

Be sure to put a few of the orders of service away for safe keeping. I'm always amazed how many people tell me they did not end up with one after the day.

Hope the gin means you shall get a proper sleep tonight. Your poor body and soul need rest.

Juan I just came on to say I'm thinking of you, to see you've just posted.
Sending love and hugs.

and

How kind of your DS's friends, they sound lovely. I love it when my lot bring a bunch of friends home, they are loud, silly & great fun.

A good dose of will do you no harm at all.

Juan - I had dreams like that too. One extremely odd one, that actually it seems my brother and sister also had - that we were all sitting in my Nanna's living room, with her, and she was telling us that it was all ok and she wasn't in pain any more etc. (massive heart attack). And then after my mum died, I had several dreams that she was alive again, but she didn''t look like her when she was well, she looked still very ill and even worse than she had when she was alive - but also waking up from those was nightmarish because she'd also said that she was back, so I feel for you.

I love the little red cardi on the order of service idea, that's just so lovely, such a personal touch.

And your DS's friends sound lovely too - glad that they're so sensitive and sympathetic to you, so often people just don't know what to say, so steer clear and avoid you, so it's really nice to hear that some didn't.

Enjoy your gin (well you've probably finished it by now!) and more big (((((hugs))))) from me xx

Wisdom of youth to make you a .

I'd do the same - but it would be wisdom of age.

It's really good that DS2 wants his friends round your place & that he feels OK to be going to a party - you are certainly getting things right with regards to your DCs.

Which I knew you would - you are an amazing woman & you will come through this. Not as the same person, not without sadness & scars but there will be better times ahead for you - honestly there will be & I bet M would say that and really want that for you.

My love to you, ElPeskyJuan. (((xxx)))

I'm so very sorry Juan

what strikes me, with the wisdom of foresight, is is that when something as utterly unimaginable like this happens, we go over it time and time and time again in our minds, as we are having to keep processing it to even begin to accept what has happened

its like its washing through and over you, time and time again, until it starts to sink in and we learn how to accept and live with this

the pain is unbearable and I'm so very sorry

please trust me when I say, gradually, gradually, life will slowly start to be slightly more bearable

in the meantime, be kind to yourself and your children, grieve at your own pace and in your own way

A small, very small joy at youth being resilient - you and they are coping well done .
Hoping and wishing you sleep -- you have my thoughts and prayers xx

You all have to stop being nice to me (especially you magi) please don't stop really. It makes me cry.

How are you doing squirrels? Thumb how strange that you and your brother and sister had the same dream. Dreams can be so powerful can't they? M used to roll his eyes if I started on a recital of my dreams - don't blame him really!

Dd's boyfriend is taking youngest ds out tomorrow - they're both going shopping for funeral attire :(

ssd - I know exactly what you mean. Very very slowly this horrible nightmare is inching towards becoming the new normal. I'm not ready to accept it yet, but somewhere inside, I know that I will have to. There's no going back. I either go with it or I go under, and I can't do that because it's not just me living through this. I know full well M would be strong and brave if the situation was reversed - and sometimes I wish, with all my heart, that it was :(

Evening book.

Evening Juan - I had just put down my crochet, and popped in.
I think that is the nature of love - you would always want to be the one to shoulder the burden for the other.
Are you managing sleep yet? I do hope so

Amazing post ssd.

Pesky - I'll stop being nice to you on Monday, May 22!!

(But if ELPot isn't playing I might carry on being nice )

Ahem.

El Pot has been entrusted to my safe keeping. I'll be keeping an eye on you, magi.

Hope you're doing OK this morning, Juan.

There is no manual, there is no rule book, there is no right or wrong way.

You will get through this in any way you can get through the seconds, minutes, hours and days. Then the days will become weeks that you manage to get through and the strength will slowly return.

I'm so sorry for you and your families loss, look after each other

Rafa - I'll see you on the thread.

Rafa keep him safe - he's young and innocent :)

I think weekends are going to be an issue for a while now - I keep doing the "This time last week/2 weeks/3 weeks ago" thing :(.

People are being so lovely - found two trays of eggs on the doorstep this morning with two bunches of daffodils - none of us saw who left them. And my neighbour brought round a carrot cake. And we had a card from the staff at the itu unit where M died. I expect they do it for all their losses but I thought that was so kind.

I couldn't decide what to do about catering for the funeral - initially was going to let the venue take care of it, then changed my mind and thought we would do it - some friends offered to make some cakes.

Now the same friends are offering to still make cakes but to pay for the catering between them as a gift to M and instead of donating to the charity we've chosen. The venue say that the cost would be £3 per person, and I think probably at least 100, possibly more, will come. Not sure if it would be fair to accept their offer. I know they genuinely want to help but it's a lot of money. I seem to have lost the ability to decision make.

HI Juan -tough weekend
I would let your friends make the decision if you can. If you know them well enough to be truthful, let them know the rough cost, and then say that it really is up to them , as you know its a lot of money . Say you will be fine with whatever they decide to do. it was an offer that was more than you could expect.
Does that sound okay/doable ?
And if they say they will, thats fine - let them. If not, ask your DC , and get a consensus on what they would like to do.
Can i just say, you are being remarkable, even though you don't think so .
I am truly rubbish at putting thoughts into words - magi and ssd are so eloquent.- ( I am much more a hands on practical helper in truth )

Juan it sounds like a wonderful offer from your friends to pay for the catering. Don't expect too much of yourself in terms of making any decisions. At times like this, friends and family are only too happy to take the burden away from you at such an incredibly difficult time. And for it to be their gift in memory of DH is doubly lovely.

FWIW I had a similar offer, and hence dilemma, and I did end up deferring a lot more than I ever do normally and honestly it was fine. X