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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:
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magimedi · 13/03/2017 19:53

Sending my love to you & all the DCs.

Don't ever feel you have to post here - we are just here for you & don't need replies.

Am sure I speak for everyone to say that we post here to send out our love to you. That's it. We don't need anything back.

You don't have to be polite - not that you ever have been, ELPeskyJuan. Grin

PS Popsock beating Andy???????????

GirlElephant · 13/03/2017 20:15

Sending a hug, I've never experienced a panic attack but sounds so scary. Eating fruit is better than nothing, maybe try taking a daily vitamin while you're appetite is struggling to get some nutrients if you can face it.

Your friends will want to be there for you bit understand when you just need to be alone with your thoughts.

Thinking of you

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 13/03/2017 21:33

Evening lovely people. I know you don't expect me to update, but you are all my invisible supporters - its incredibly comforting to know that strangers care enough to check in and bother to post. And, in truth, writing an account of my day is helpful. I hope that in months to come I can read my posts over - for now I'm only able to read all your supportive replies, and I promise they're helping so much.

M's dialysis nurse came over this afternoon to pick up any unused drugs. I had to go in to his dialysis unit (which is actually a very small conservatory attached to the kitchen) to gather some of them up. None of us have been in there since that Sunday two weeks ago when the paramedics helped him out of there and round into the kitchen. It was obviously exactly as he'd left it and I can't tell you how upsetting it was :( He had a very specific routine he had to follow when taking himself off the machine, and all the paraphernalia he would have needed was set out ready for him to use. As it happened, that last session of his ended abruptly so things like strips of tape he'd cut off ready were still stuck to the unit where he kept needles/syringes etc. And, lined up outside the door to the unit, were large plastic containers of fluid that he'd got out of the garage to use for future sessions ... It felt like we were clearing him away and we were all crying.

Keep wondering when I'm going to wake up. Ds1, who is pretty stoic, said he'd felt sad all day today too. I'd been wearing dh's wedding ring on my thumb since the Sunday he was taken into hospital, and was thinking I'd probably keep it. But ds1 asked me if he could have it, so I said we'd need to talk about it with his brothers. The other two were happy for ds1 to have it so I've handed it over. It makes me feel both happy and sad to see it on his finger.

Still haven't managed to eat much other than some fruit and a milkshake but there's very little danger of me wasting away sadly. I'll need to do a big shop soon - will be sure to add bananas to my list.

OP posts:
Somerville · 13/03/2017 21:53

Oh God that must have been so tough, clearing up after him like that.
Massive (((hugs))) for you Juan.

Wedding rings and the like take on so much significance, don't they? I'm so glad your oldest son felt able to ask for it, and how sweet of his brothers and you to let him have it.

I've kept Dh1's ring safely for our DS. He would lose it at the moment, but each of our kids has one of his jumpers in their wardrobe and it's a helpful indicator of when one of them is having a particularly sad day, as they wear them (on our youngest child it looks like a dress, bless her.)

Milkshake is good, glad that stayed down.

Be kind to yourself Juan. Flowers

2017SoFarSoGood · 13/03/2017 21:55

oh Juan that sounds heart breaking, I am so sorry.

After DF died at home there was so much medical equipment and mountains of drugs to be returned. The empty hospital bed being taken out of the living room was something none of us could bear to witness. I'm so sorry you had to go through yet another horrifyingly sad part.

magimedi · 13/03/2017 22:12

I think it is lovely and sad & right that DS1 has the ring.

My love goes out to you, as ever.

Welshmamma · 13/03/2017 22:20

Thinking of you xxxx

DramaAlpaca · 13/03/2017 22:40

Gosh, that sounds like such a tough day, I can only guess at how upsetting it must have been.

That's lovely & very fitting that DS1 has his dad's ring.

Much love x

bookbook · 13/03/2017 22:47

((hugs)) Juan - I bet it feels like every little thing is taking a bit more of him away, and it is heartbreaking for you.
Milkshakes are good though, as long as you are getting something down thats a plus.
Hope you can get some sleep too
Thoughts and prayers from me to you xx

Willow2017 · 13/03/2017 23:10

That must have been heartbreaking Jaun, I completely understand how you must have felt like removing even more evidence of him being in the house. I presume that all the dialysis stuff will have to be removed at some time, it must feel like its never ending.

Its fitting that your ds1 is wearing his dads ring as well as being very emotional for everyone. Its good that you are all able to discuss these things and be there to support each other, your kids are a credit to you and your dh.

Thinking of you all. ((()))

daisychain01 · 14/03/2017 13:09

Hugs to you, Juan and your lovely family. You are all being a wonderful comfort to each other. Flowers

Bananas are 🍌good and will keep your energy levels up. xx

TheConstantCakeEater · 14/03/2017 13:27

Sending hugs

Chasingsquirrels · 14/03/2017 13:44

That's really tough Juan. I can't imagine the pain of moving away from your loss when you just want him back.
And bitter sweet with M's ring for your DS1.
Hugs 🌹🌹

Melaniaspilatesinstructor · 14/03/2017 13:57

So very sorry for your loss (((((hugs))))
Take your time. Just put 1 foot in front of the other and breathe.
He would want you to be happy but come to it in your own time.
So sorry

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/03/2017 15:35

Oh Juan - that's heartrending, the "clearing away" of M's paraphernalia. Adds to the "finality" of it all.
Lovely that you've let DS1 have his dad's ring though, that's a very special thing, both for him to want it and you to let him have it.
I remember when my beloved Nanna died, I asked if I could have the tiny gold cross she always wore - although no one actually said no, I never got it. First Grandad wouldn't hand it over (understandable enough) but then when he died we couldn't even find it. :( I suspect my great aunt took it, but will never know (and she's dead now too). It's been a regret of mine for many years now (over 15, you'd think I'd be "over it" but no) so I'm so glad that you were able to do that for your oldest boy.

Hope the bananas help xx

Mama1980 · 14/03/2017 20:45

Just popping on to offer a gentle hug this evening. I hope you day has been as bearable as it can be.

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 14/03/2017 22:25

Hello lovely people.

Went to see solicitor this morning, which wasn't a very productive meeting. I'd taken a friend with me because I knew that I'd forget whatever was said, but when the solicitor came out to greet me, she asked to see me on my own at first, and said that friend could join us later. As it happened it was a short meeting - just as well because friend wasn't invited to join us. I am the sole executor and its a very straightforward will, so I told her I would try and sort it myself. She was trying to persuade me that it wasn't as simple as it looked, and when I (unusually for me) stuck to my guns, she said she didn't have the necessary paperwork ready for me to take away. So I left no wiser than I'd entered, but am going back tomorrow to pick up whatever these papers are.

Went to M & S with friend afterwards, and while she was queuing for drinks, I couldn't help overhearing one lady at the next table talking about the recent loss of her husband. I wanted so badly to join in their conversation and say "me too" but managed to resist.

Have just had some friends round tonight - I didn't want them to come but I'm glad they did now because for a couple of hours my mind was somewhere other than on M. Straight back on to it now though :(

Thumb what a shame about your Nanna's cross. Thanks again all of you for being there/here, it's sort become part of my routine to check in here and, just now, I think I need routine to enable me to put one foot in front of the other.

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 14/03/2017 22:43

Evening, Juan.

Well done on sticking to your guns with the solicitor, good for you. It does sound productive actually, you've confirmed that you're going to deal with the estate yourself and you're collecting the papers tomorrow. That's a good start, and you've taken control. Go you!

Glad you've had friends round and that you have plenty of real life support.

Hope you are managing to eat, at least a little.

Much love x

Mo55chop5 · 14/03/2017 22:54

Sending you a little virtual hug Juan

bookbook · 14/03/2017 23:17

Evening Juan - another hurdle almost over re solicitor at least. and the paperwork not ready, even though you had an appointment?Hmm
Don't feel guilty will you, for having a few hours not thinking about your DH .
Hope you get some sleep Flowers

daisychain01 · 15/03/2017 01:33

Well done re your solicitor and staying strong, Juan. You're coping so well, but please please don't feel awful about not thinking about DH at certain times. Once all of the coming formalities are concluded, it will give you head-space in your own good time to think happy thoughts about the wonderful memories. At the moment it's raw, but it will soften and ease. A bit weird, but I used to "want" it to hurt, to show myself the love wasn't fading. That's not how it works, the love stays true and deep, and it doesn't run out Smile.

Have you thought of contacting Cruse, the bereavement charity. It sounded like you could find it helpful to talk to other people (perhaps local to you) who have recently lost their DH/DP. Or just to talk through your own feelings freely with someone who is trained to give practical advice. You sound like you're doing well, but it's a possible avenue.

((((Hugs))))

TheConstantCakeEater · 15/03/2017 10:51

Namechanged, but just checking in on you. Hope that today is more productive on the will front. Well done for standing up for yourself.

GirlElephant · 15/03/2017 10:55

So brave of you to enter the room and look out the things for the nurse.

If you managed a milkshake could you manage a fruit smoothie? Would give you some nutrients and hopefully be easy to manage

magimedi · 15/03/2017 17:43

Well done for standing up to the solicitor.

Just popping by to send love .

BIWI · 15/03/2017 18:30

Another one just dropping by to see how you are, and to send you some love. Have some Gin too.