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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
5
PigeonPie · 10/03/2017 21:26

Juan, I've been following your thread, thinking about you, but didn't have anything useful to say. However, I've been thinking about the clothes - you know, he doesn't need to have them from home, he can just have a linen 'shroud' which the undertakers can provide. It might save you having to choose. Anyway, it's just another choice.

My thoughts are with you and your family.

bookbook · 10/03/2017 21:29

Juan You don't need to be brave, or need to cope . Take one day at a time , allow yourself to grieve for what you have had, and lost.

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 10/03/2017 21:49

You're all so kind. Wish you were all here with me now - would be a right laugh with me crying all over you :) BIWI we have no faith either, although I sometimes wish we did. Your df's funeral sounds like it hit just the note we're hoping to. Pigeon, thank you for your suggestion but I felt I ought to take him some clothes somehow, so I did it this afternoon.

I'm on my own tonight for the first time since M died. Dd and her boyfriend have gone out to a birthday dinner (but she's texting me constantly), ds1 has taken ds3 to the cinema and I'm not quite sure where ds2 is. The house feels big and sad and empty. But I'm pleased that they're all doing their thing (although tbf, don't think 23 yr old ds1 would consider accompanying 12 yr old dd3 his thing - especially on a Friday night!)

OP posts:
5BlueHydrangea · 10/03/2017 21:56

What's your favourite thing to do when you get 'me' time? I imagine you don't get much.. Warm bath? Hot chocolate and a film? Do something that relaxes you. You are coping with all of this really well.

bookbook · 10/03/2017 22:00

I am ( in a Yorkshire phrase) a right bawler, so I would probably be crying all over you! .
I bet your ds3 is thrilled , out with big brother :)
I suspect it may be good you are by yourself, for a little while anyway. You won't have to use energy putting a front on , IYSWIM. Just as long as you can maybe contemplate doing something for you -( be it a bath, a pedicure , whatever )

DramaAlpaca · 10/03/2017 22:08

We're with you on here, so you're not alone.

Sounds like you got a lot of difficult stuff done today Flowers

magimedi · 10/03/2017 22:26

I am with bookbook - you have no need right now to be coping. Just try & sleep at night time, try to eat in daytime & above all keep drinking water & keep hydrated.

This is such a shit time for you - just focus on the next hour or so & don't think about the next day.

We will be here for as long as you need - days, weeks, months & years.

(((xxx)))

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 10/03/2017 23:05

Juan. I've only just seen your thread. I am so, so sorry to hear about M, sorry beyond words x

The 'If only' & 'what ifs' are so, so hard to deal with.

You said earlier in the thread that you were worried about the memorial service, that you wouldn't remember what was said... when my Dad died we were asked if we wanted the funeral service recorded. Initially I said 'No thank you' (what I was thinking was WTAF Are you fucking joking!?). But after a day or so I changed my mind because I knew I wouldn't remember what people had said (the service was quite long & several of us spoke). Several years later I still can't bring myself to watch it, but it's such a comfort knowing it's there, that I can if I want to. It's an option.

I went to see my Dad at the funeral home. I went every day from when he arrived there, even the morning of the funeral. Sometimes more than once in a day. I sat & talked to him for ages. I found it very comforting (mostly).

Much love to you all.
Xx

daisychain01 · 11/03/2017 03:04

We will be here for as long as you need - days, weeks, months & years

Just to say what a lovely sentiment this is, and I'd like to echo your words magimedi from another one of The Mumsnetters Flowers

I hope you were able to use the evening to relax a little, Juan. It is gut-wrenchingly hard, but if you can, try to use these coming days to focus on caring for yourself, even if you cannot face eating much, just little morsels and definitely keep your fluid levels topped up because it is easy to become dehydrated.

2017SoFarSoGood · 11/03/2017 19:17

Juan I'm in for as long as you need someone, as little help as it may be. Your job right now is just to be. No coping, just being.

ChippingInLovesWoollyHugs · 11/03/2017 19:24

BIG Squishy Hugs, Brew & 🍫

I hope you found someone to come & look at the leak. Fabulous timing, as always 😕

When my Dad died I couldn't eat at all, I couldn't even bear the smell of food. People were so kind bringing platters & meals & cakes etc. It really helped to feed visitors as well as my Mum, but I just couldn't face any of it. Then a friend of my Mums made some tiny finger sandwiches & put just a couple on a small plate, I managed to eat them because they weren't too overwhelming and so it was 'rinse & repeat' for a while.

Whatever it takes to get through the next 5 minutes, then the next...xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 11/03/2017 20:43

Hello - and thanks again for support. Lovely to know you're out there and willing to be there.

Haven't done anything today, other than mope around the house. There's pain everywhere I look - the lilac tree that M loved that is coming to life, the rugby on the tv, the cheese in the fridge he bought. I know I sound really pathetic, and I feel as if I ought to be getting a grip and not wallowing, but it's so difficult :( I have cried a bit less though so perhaps that's a step in the right direction.

The dc at least seem to be doing well and I'm so glad of that. Dd's boyfriend is a farmer, so he spent some time in the garden today (after first checking with my boys that they wouldn't feel he was encroaching - we had the garden made over in September and M had started to get into it in a big way - so dd's boyfriend didn't want to step on any toes). My 12yr old has just put his arms round me and said it's ok to cry and I'll see dad again one day, and that if I need him to just call :( . I should be saying those things to him. Well, I have to be fair but still.

I've eaten more today than I have done in the last 2 weeks - only fruit - but something at least. Chipping I'm finding the smell of food stomach churning too. I can't remember if I said so before (finding my own posts too difficult to re-read at the minute) but reading some of the threads on here about awful men makes me feel so resentful at the unfairness of it all.

OP posts:
bookbook · 11/03/2017 21:09

not pathetic at all Juan , it is what it is. I think it helps all of you to give as well as take - that is what families who love one another do. You keep each other going as a whole - so whoever needs it most as any one time can draw on the group strength, if that makes sense?

Could you perhaps drink smoothies- to get some milk/dairy mixed in with the fruit?
((hugs))

Mama1980 · 11/03/2017 21:33

Oh Juan, I'm so desperately sorry for your loss.
I haven't been on here for ages but we used to chat on the tennis threads.
I have no words, there are none but I am sending you much love.
On a slightly practical note reading your earlier posts I thought of my grandad who when my nan died started to write to her, usually just a line or two every night before he went to sleep he said it helped him and helped to stave off the panic at not hearing her voice....it may not be for you but I just thought I'd mention it.
I often can't stomach much food, fruit is good and maybe something like complan could be an option for you for the next few weeks, the banana or chocolate milkshakes are pretty good and you can sip them slowly, they maybe easier to face than a meal.
X

Chasingsquirrels · 11/03/2017 21:51

Hugs Juan.
You know there are people here for you, as I am sure there are at home.
Wishing I'm you a peaceful night & wishing I had the words to say more.
Flowers

magimedi · 11/03/2017 22:15

You are not pathetic - at all.

Crying is normal & good. You are so much better off (in the long run) to let all that grief come out.

Pleased to hear that you have eaten a bit - could you swallow some soup?

Wish I could bring you round some of my life affirming summer soup - (summa this & summa that). I am making it in vast quantities for my lovely neighbour who is 85 & whose partner is in the local stroke unit for rehab post a stroke. I am told that it is the best thing of all & easy to eat & gets past the lumps in the throat.

Are you too far from me for me to deliver?

Much love, as ever... (((xxx)))

JaneJeffer · 12/03/2017 13:34

Hi Juan hope you're feeling a bit "better" today. Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Your family sound so lovely. I'm sorry it's so hard for youFlowers

daisychain01 · 12/03/2017 15:40

Just a quick hello, Juan, have you been able to step outside for some fresh air. It's a bit dreary over my neck of the woods today, not much light, but it can give you a bit of a lift, just to take a stroll outdoors and see the buds on the trees and bushes.

Take care of yourself today My dear Flowers

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 12/03/2017 19:51

So nearly at the 2 weeks mark now. Think Sundays/Mondays are going to be painful for a while to come.

Thank you again for the lovely messages, and magi your offer of soup was so kind.

Was meant to be going out with my friend this morning but I cancelled. Haven't been out all weekend and I can feel myself longing to withdraw. I won't though because of the dc but it is a tendancy I have - usually when M has been through a scary episode. I cope fine during the episode but hibernate for a bit after it's over. But this time there is no "after it's over" :(

M's oldest friend is back in the country now so had long talk to him earlier. I had a panic attack at 3 this afternoon as that's when the paramedics came 2 weeks ago. Didn't want to upset dc so turned to oldest friend who was brilliant. And one of my oldest friends got in touch today too - haven't seen her since my wedding but she says she'd like to visit in a few weeks.

OP posts:
Chasingsquirrels · 12/03/2017 20:52

Am so glad you have friends to turn to Juan.
Cake & Wine (or whatever you prefer).

TheOnlyWayIsMN · 12/03/2017 21:05

I haven't posted at all Juan but just wanted to say so sorry about it all. Your name = wonderful posts on MN and I can feel your love and pain radiating through the screen. Thinking of you tonight and in the early hours of tomorrow morning.

bookbook · 12/03/2017 21:48

Was just popping in to see if you had posted.
Quite understandable having the panic attack, and in a way, it is helpful to know what is triggering it, and you can learn to breathe through them.
I am so glad you had support today, and you can hibernate a bit longer yet.
true friends are for leaning on in dark times -

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/03/2017 23:46

Glad your friends are rallying round, Juan

Re. the eating - when I went through a traumatic loss, I couldn't eat anything except bananas and weak milky sweet coffee. I lost lots of weight over 4 weeks. It was the chewing, and the fattiness - both of those things made it impossible for me to put food into my mouth, or swallow it once it was there. Even soup was hard because of the "oiliness" (the coffee was ok). I went off my 2 life staples, cheese and chocolate, entirely. In fact, it took a YEAR before I was able to stomach the idea of melted cheese!!

So I offer up banana and sweet milky weak coffee as a "get by" diet for now. Avoid chewing, avoid fatty stuff and I like the finger sandwich option as well.

DramaAlpaca · 13/03/2017 09:54

Just popping in to offer a hug this morning

daisychain01 · 13/03/2017 13:05

Thank you for visiting and keeping the MNetters up to date because this is a particularly vulnerable time, so it is good to know you have some RL support.

Its a rather strange phenomenon, knowing you're out there in the world but not being able to nip by. I feel a bit useless (not that's it's about me iyswim) but the good intent is there Smile

I hope the sun is out where you are, not much use I know but maybe a little more uplifting than the wall-to-wall grey yesterday.