My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

[JuanPotatoTwo]

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

Juan, you can get lots of free apps now with soothing sounds like rain, ocean waves, even tumble driers. I use them to sleep all the time, otherwise my mind races. Most have a sleep timer too. Hoping you sleep well tonight

Big ((((hugs)))) for you, Juan - I think this may be the "bargaining" step of the grief steps. It will pass too, but may come back sometimes, and may also be concurrent with some of the other steps of grief.

Depending on how you think about these things, M might still be able to watch his roses grow - while I'm not a card-carrying religious believer, neither am I a "you die and that's it" person, I do believe in the spirit going on - it helped me enormously when I'd lost my grandparents and my Mum.
Ds1 was born several months after Mum died, and when he was a few weeks old, I used to catch him looking up at the ceiling and giggling away to himself! nothing there, but he definitely appeared to be responding to something/one - I like to think that it was my Mum or Nanna or someone checking in on him to see how he was doing.

I used to read myself to sleep whenever I was really upset - I borrowed my Dad's collection of Agatha Christie books (he had nearly all of them) and worked my way through them. Read til my eyes closed of their own accord, and then slept, quite often with the light still on. Not ideal long term, but it worked.

xx

Thank you everyone for your ideas on how to ward off those night time demons. Thumb, I so wish I had that sort of belief - I sort of tell myself I do but in my heart I just think "game over". Although I have been pondering over and over M's comment about his mother haunting him.

Was going to take some clothes to the undertakers today (he only got there yesterday due to some hold up at the hospital) to dress M in but I couldn't. I just couldn't. Just seemed such an awful bizarre thing to do. A friend offered to take them for me but I felt that that was somehow shirking my duty. I will try again tomorrow because I hate to think of him still dressed in that awful thing they put on him in the hospital.

M's consultant for the last 20 plus years rang me about half an hour ago. I was starting to become resentful that this man, who M thought of as a friend, and with who he had such a good relationship. hadn't bothered to get in touch. He rang me in tears, and then was dreadfully apologetic for having cried, then I cried, then we had a brief conversation, before we both ended up crying again. Not the most productive conversation I've ever had. He'd been waiting to hear from the ITU consultant (not the ITU doc we went to see) but he is on leave supposedly. So I gave him the ITU doc's name and he says he'll get back to me soon.

And in other news, my bathroom is leaking through the hall ceiling. Why now?!

evening Juan -
another tough day , but do hope you have been able to sit down , eat something and have a small amount of relaxation time
re clothes - can you perhaps see it as one last thing you can do for him, rather than a duty ? Clothes are so very personal.
and to add to it, a leak , that is just .. well, there are too many cliches for that.

Hello book. I will do the clothes, I don't want anyone else to :( Just need to get myself psyched up. He wasn't what you'd call smart by any stretch - spent most of his time sporting a red arran cardi - so I'll pick out suitably casual attire. I'm going to keep the cardi (and possibly even wear it to the funeral). We are contemplating getting little red arran cardigans for our tattoos incorporating his ashes!

it will be so hard, I know - I didn't mean to sound hectoring :)
Casual attire sounds great - I bet he would have chosen that himself. Men are so much more laid back about being comfy rather than smart- total lack of caring what other people think.

I hope you have a good night's sleep tonight, Juan. I keep reading your posts and wanting to say something helpful, but my only close experience of death was when my DM died, and that's different, and besides, it was a long time ago.

All I know that is that grief is horrible, but it does get better as the weeks and months and years go by.

Juan: I mentioned the loss of my best friend a few months ago (not that it is nearly the same as losing your DH, I know!) and your talk of M's red cardi made me think of something other friend did for me. DBF liked to wear a red polo neck sweater, and often pulled the sleeves down over her hands and the neck up over her mouth - sounds so strange but was very 'her.' Her lovely DD's gave me her red sweater, and a mutual friend made it into a cushion cover, with the neck intact. I did hug it and cry so many tears the day they gave me it, but now find I can't look at it. Not yet. It is at the back of my deepest closet. One day perhaps.

KOBO, lovely Pesky.

The idea of you wearing his cardi to the funeral is lovely.

If you feel it's OK can you tell us the day & time of the funeral? I would like to know so that I can take that time to sit & think of you & yours.

Much love............... (((xxx)))

I'd like to pay my quiet respects too. If you don't want to announce it on the thread you could let us know by PM. No pressure at all to tell us though, if you don't want to we'll understand completely.

Love the idea of you all having red cardi tattoos.

Hope you are cuddling that cardi close x

Just popping by to say hello, Juan and to bring you some virtual chicken soup, to keep you warm.

I hope you are keeping up with something to eat and drink, even if it's the infamous cup of MN sweet tea and that is all-healing. Hope you get some rest tonight xx

I would also like to be quiet and send prayers too . x

It would be good to know the funeral day/time. I will walk down the hill to our church and light a candle for you both and all your family.

Oh you've all made me cry, properly cry (not difficult admittedly right now). I don't know what to say. Funeral is 22nd March at 12.45 but because he wasn't a believer we're just going to the crem to do what has to be done. Then we have a humanist minister coming to the local rugby club for 2pm. Meeting her tomorrow to discuss the ceremony.

I love the idea of turning his clothes into cushion covers - maybe not the red cardi, but perhaps some other item.

Thank you so much for caring. x

thank you for sharing. It will be a good time to stop and close my eyes, and think of you all.
I do hope you can get some rest tonight ((hugs))

Sorry we've made you cry again, but thanks for letting us know.

Hope you can get some sleep tonight x

Juan, your dh sounds like he was a wonderful man. I am so very sorry for you and your family's loss.

Thank you for the details of your DHs ceremony, Juan.

We held a humanist ceremony for my DH (it is what he would have chosen) and everyone said how uplifting and inspiring it was. The minister who was in attendance was wonderful, supportive and very helpful throughout. He gave me a folder with the whole ceremony written out. I can't read it because it does really 'get' to me, however I have kept it as it's very important.

The MNers are right here for you

Thank you for letting us know.

Hope you got some decent sleep last night.

Hi Juan. We held a humanist ceremony when my Grandad died and it was lovely, so perfect for him. The celebrant was so supportive and kind. And although it was terribly sad it did feel like a celebration of him as a person.

Have been thinking about you lots and will continue to do so.

I want so much to come on here and say it's been a good day - but it definitely hasn't today :( Feel as if the children are being much braver than me and moving forward, whereas I'm still overwhelmed all the time by panicky feelings and tears.

I got some clothes out of M's wardrobe today to take to the undertakers. It felt so dreadfully painful I thought I was having a heart attack. Kept thinking that how could we possibly have known the last time he wore them that these would be the clothes he would be committed in.

The minister came round this afternoon, and she seemed very lovely. But to be sitting at our kitchen table talking about my dh's funeral - surreal isn't the word. It hasn't been two weeks yet but in some ways it already feels like a lifetime. I keep hoping/thinking this is a horrible nightmare that I must surely wake up from soon, but then I keep getting waves of thinking "This is real, this is my life now". If I can distract myself and keep busy I can ward the pain off. But the minute my guard is down it comes crashing over me again.

My SIL said that she felt that M had let his guard down and had been taken by surprise (not in a blaming him way), and I know exactly what she means. He wasn't ready to go, he didn't want to leave us. Spoke to his dialysis nurse tonight - she's coming on Monday to collect unused drugs etc - and she says lots of the staff at the hospital continue to express shock, and to say how lovely he was :(

Juan - my dad died in September.

He had specified a humanist funeral, because he didn't want (and I quote) 'any of that religious mumbo jumbo'!

It was, although it might sound strange, a lovely funeral. It was all about him. My brother and I were both asked to write something about him, which the celebrant read out (no way could I have read it!), and there were eulogies from a couple of other of his friends. But no singing of hymns or reading from the Bible - which he didn't believe in anyway.

You may or not have a religious faith - none of us does - and so that may bring you comfort. But for us, it was absolutely perfect, and a tremendously special and lovely way to remember my dad.

xxx

My dear, please give yourself a break. You are getting through this day by day, putting one foot in front of the other. You don't need to be brave. You are doing what needs to be done for your DH at this most difficult of times. You are doing your best and that is enough x

Juan don't be hard on yourself sweetheart, you are getting through each day, and making necessary arrangements. That's enough at the moment.
One day, hour, minute at a time.
Wishing you a restful night.
🌹🌹🌹

I think you're doing amazingly, Juan.