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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:
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BagelGoesWalking · 08/03/2017 18:25

If you have a will and you are the executor, it's not really that difficult. It's just filling in a form, with separate bits for bank accts, stocks/shares, property etc. At some point, you have to go and get it stamped in a local court by a notary and then send off IIRC.

If you take on a solicitor, they will still need all the documents you have regarding the above (like bank acct etc) so you will be doing most of the legwork to provide them with that info.

HOWEVER, it all depends on how you feel. It may just be more simple to give them all the stuff and let them get on with it. In my experience, the HMRC probate helpline were very helpful when we had questions.

And don't feel you have to rush anything, esp notifying banks etc as they can freeze a joint acct and then you'll have hassles with cash flow until it's sorted and you've got probate.

So very sorry you're going through all this, it's horrible and harsh and painful.

BagelGoesWalking · 08/03/2017 18:29

Another thing, CRUSE has an excellent reputation for counselling and there may be a specialist children's service (often run via local hospices) which may be helpful in the future.

2017SoFarSoGood · 08/03/2017 18:45

hi Juan no practical advice but just stopping by to check in on you. I suspect that the sitting round the table crying will not be a one off, and to look at it as another small way of honoring M. It is quite cathartic in some ways. The tears and the laughter will all come out when they will, regardless.

((((((hugs))))))

daisychain01 · 08/03/2017 20:30

The family time is tremendously healing, the sharing of memories, laughter and tears.

Both my brothers flew over from abroad to just hold my hand and be there for me. In a funny way, I've come to treasure those memories as part of the rich tapestry of life and loss.

It will take you a long time to see it like this, but once the rawness has softened, some of these coming days will help you to heal.

I hope you manage to get some sleep or rest, Juan xx Flowers

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 21:28

Oh I'm struggling so badly tonight. Feel desolate and so so sad. Can't stop crying. I wish it had been me who'd died. He didn't deserve to go after fighting so valiantly for long. He didn't ask for much, only things like wanting to watch the rose plants I bought him for his birthday to grow.

OP posts:
jayho · 08/03/2017 21:38

It's shit, it's just shit and it won't feel better in the short term. Try to ride the waves. It's just shit. You almost can't feel any further than this. Grief is harsh and cruel but you will cope.

Coping is shit too because you are just
Managing but you will

You will xx

Willow2017 · 08/03/2017 21:40

Jaun
So sorry you are having such a bad time tonight.

Its a natural part of the grieving process, despite being an impossible thing to wish for, despite the fact that it would be just as hard for your DH and your kids as it is for you now but its still a very real feeling you have to get past and nothing I can say will make it better so just sending hugs ((()))

Chasingsquirrels · 08/03/2017 21:41

Juan just sending you some undoubtedly useless hugs xxxxxxx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 21:43

Thank you jayho - it is shit.

And thanks too for the advice about solicitors. I hadn't thought about seeking counselling for myself - bit early I suppose / but I'll keep it in mind. Have had a recommendation for a counsellor for my youngest though.

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OhYouBadBadKitten · 08/03/2017 21:47

oh sweetheart. :( one minute at a time at the moment.

bookbook · 08/03/2017 21:59

hand hold and a shoulder Juan xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 22:04

I'm sorry - I didn't see willow and squirrel and Kitten's posts. The hugs and kisses and thoughts are certainly not useless. The fact that people care enough to engage is incredibly comforting.

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Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 22:06

Thank you book.

I've calmed down a bit now. Just need to force myself to turn the light out.

OP posts:
bookbook · 08/03/2017 22:12

Do you have a night light ? Or get one - ( those for babies rooms) - that way you will have light, but a soft glow one, not in your eyes. Switch on a radio onto a quite station , but put a snooze function on. That way, it will switch off by itself xx

bookbook · 08/03/2017 22:16

quiet , not quite....

DramaAlpaca · 08/03/2017 22:23

Oh you poor love, I'm sorry you are struggling.

book's suggestion of a night light is a good idea so you don't have to be in the dark. Or can you leave the light on in the hall & the bedroom door open a little?

I hope you manage to get some sleep x

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 22:30

Good idea book, will get a night light.

I can leave the bedroom door open Drama but the cat has lately developed a habit of attacking the duvet - as long as there is someone sleeping comfortably under it. He's turned into a feline Kato or whatever the character in the Pink Panther films was called!

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DramaAlpaca · 08/03/2017 22:35

Ah I see! In my house the invading animal would be the dog, he'd sleep in with me if I'd let him but he has a very bad habit of pulling off the duvet and then trying to hump it so he is banned from the bedroom Grin

bookbook · 08/03/2017 22:46

hope you can get some rest xx

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 22:46

Ooh yes, I can see that that would cause quite the disturbance!

OP posts:
magimedi · 08/03/2017 22:46

I hope you sleep well tonight.

Agree with the idea of a night light.

We are all here for you, for as long as we are needed.

El Pot is all your for a while longer & sending you my love.

(((xxx)))

2017SoFarSoGood · 08/03/2017 23:03

Oh Juan you poor love. I'm so sorry; it is so total crap this loss business.

Perhaps a radio on low, just slightly below the level where you can make out what's being said but enough to have a little something. Just for now it might be helpful.

The night light is also a great idea.

plutohasfeelingstoo · 08/03/2017 23:06

Flowers so sorry Juan

ExplodedCloud · 08/03/2017 23:53

Pop radio 4 on low. The shipping forecast is on in an hour. It has miraculous properties.
There are cycles of grief (sure I'm not the first to mention) and this 'Why not me?' is absolutely normal :( Go with it.
Hugs

daisychain01 · 09/03/2017 00:44

I've got a lovely jumbo sized Dunoon Mug with the UK map and all the shipping forecast area names, there's something soothing and comforting about hearing Viking, Dogger, Fastnet, North Utsire, South Utsire .... very soporific even.

My snoozer of my radio was very helpful and hearing a very quiet voice in the background was soothing, in times of sleeplessness.

((Juan)) take things steady. It is a rollercoaster. Take it moment by moment. You are doing amazingly well, even if you think you aren't. Your love for your DH will keep you strong in these coming days. Xxx