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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My Dh died this morning and I don't know how to go on

999 replies

JuanPotatoTwo · 27/02/2017 19:18

But I will because I have to, because I have 4 incredible dc he loved.

I'm so so sad, didn't see it coming this time. Been lots of occasions in the past when we thought we'd lose him but he fought back and pulled through. Too much for him this time. One month today we would have been married 24 years.

Being self indulgent posting but I'm trying to put on brave front for dc even though 3 of them are adult and trying to be brave for me. We all loved him so much.

OP posts:
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Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 06/03/2017 23:26

Thanks for opinion Magi, the children did think it was a bit weird but said to do what would help me best. It's the sort of thing that used to happen all the time isn't it? I don't know. Like you say, if I don't do it I might regret it and then I can't change things. Oh why couldn't the bugger just have held on a bit longer? Loved him so much :(

OP posts:
2017SoFarSoGood · 06/03/2017 23:38

That's a lot of the hard bits done today, and here we are just a week on. Amazing what can happen in just 7 days.

Viewing: I went to see my dad in the chapel, and even though I'd been with him through the whole week he was dying, it was not good. I did not like to see him like that at all. It was different when I was with him going from here to not here but dressed up in his suit and tie and as if he should once more be able to get up. That threw me for a loop. For my mother, sister and brothers it was a relief. We all react differently. The only thing is you can't get a redo, so whatever you think will make you feel better just do it. Your lovely DC will be fine if you are.

Flowers
DramaAlpaca · 06/03/2017 23:39

I would also go to the chapel of rest, I agree with magi. I think you might regret not doing so.

Having him at home the night before the funeral - well, that is the norm where I live (Ireland), it's just how it's done. I know from speaking to Irish friends and relatives that they find it very comforting to have their loved one home for the last time and say their private goodbyes the night before the funeral. For us English folk it's not the traditional thing these days, but I think only you and your DC can decide on whether it's right for you.

Much love x

Chasingsquirrels · 07/03/2017 00:05

Wishing you sleep tonight Juan.

The tattoo thing is amazing, I'm not personally a fan of tattoos but I'm astonished by this - it's certainly something worth considering.

🌹🌹🌹

SecretWitch · 07/03/2017 02:43

HI, honey. I hope you are getting some rest tonight. I am absolutely floored by the tattoo plan. What an amazing thing! Sending you thoughts of peace..xx

daisychain01 · 07/03/2017 02:52

Hi Juan and MNetters. I arranged for my DH to receive visitations at the Chapel of Rest. Looking back.it was an important part of the journey towards acceptance. Many family members came by to say their farewells. DH looked very peaceful. I wrote a small card with a little message to him, including a small piece of my hair and tucked it next to him in the casket.

All these rituals are tremendously helpful, Juan, it enables you to take part in a situation that you never wanted, but are coming to accept in tiny tiny steps. If only we could change the situation, turn back the clock, stop our beloved from leaving....

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 07/03/2017 07:18

My advice is also to go and see him in the Chapel of Rest if you weren't actually with him at the moment he died.

I did that with my dearly loved Nanna, and my grandfathers. It has the possibility to help in several ways:

  • the person in the box doesn't look exactly like the live person, but like a waxwork of them, so it helps to realise that the bit you know as "them" is no longer there, it's flying free somewhere;
  • if you weren't there when they actually died, then it gives you a chance to say goodbye "in person";
  • you can take more hair if you want, and/or put something in the coffin with them if you want;
  • they usually look very peaceful and that can help too.

I didn't go to see my Mum because I was with her when she died, we all were. I felt the skin change when she actually went, and got the ITU nurse in to verify. We saw her again half an hour later after they'd taken all the lines and tubes out, but I didn't need to see her after that.

But as others have said, you're unlikely to regret going, but you might regret not going, so on balance, going seems like the better option.

The tattoo idea is amazing, never heard of that - I've heard of the jewellery idea and like that, but jewellery has the potential to be lost - can't lose a tattoo easily!

KOKO - you're really doing as well as can be expected, you know ((((hugs))))

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 07/03/2017 07:23

Thank you for thoughts and views. Ok so I will definitely go and see him in chapel of rest (daisy love the idea of giving him a lock of my hair). I'm leaning towards having him home for his final night - will ponder some more.

Had a bit of a panic attack last night - couldn't bring myself to put the light out and started hyperventilating. Most unlike me! Sad right now though but ok. What joys will today bring I wonder? The dc are back to work/college/school today - feels like the end of some slightly strange sort of holiday.

OP posts:
bookbook · 07/03/2017 07:31

I'm just popping in to say I am still thinking of you.
I so agree with everyone else - I went to see my DM and DF in the chapel. It was a bit surreal I found - the people they had been were not really there, just a model, wearing 'best' clothes ( which they rarely wore) , but I am so glad I did.
Take care , and hoping you are managing to eat xx

Somerville · 07/03/2017 09:01

PMed you, Juan.

Willow2017 · 07/03/2017 11:12

Hi Juan
The tattoo idea is amazing I love it such a personal way to keep someone close forever.

Whatever you decide to do about the chapel of rest is right for you. I never went to see my parents as I knew they would look different and wanted to remember them as they were but for others it's a final goodbye. (I was with my mum and saw my dad about an hour after he died) Putting a note and a lock of hair in with them is a lovely idea though.

Sending unmumsnety hugs to you and your lovely family. ((()))

daisychain01 · 07/03/2017 12:34

Hi Juan, very sorry you suffered a panic attack, sometimes nights are cruel like that, too much silence and the mind is racing. Try a few brief sessions of 5 mins today calmly and eeply breathing. I found it physically helpful to control my thoughts (a bit of "mindfulness").

MNHQ has confirmed the webchat (link upthread) is for all kinds of bereavement - here is their response to my query

Yes, Julia will be offering advice to anyone going through a bereavement - whether it's a close relative, friend or work colleague etc

bibbitybobbitybuh · 07/03/2017 13:12

Didn't want to read and run, sending you a big squeeze and a virtual cuppa. I can't imagine your pain my love, I'm so sorry xxx

gustofwind · 07/03/2017 13:24

I hope the DC's had a good day today juan.

Sending so much love and strength your way.

Flowers
GirlElephant · 07/03/2017 22:54

Juan do whatever you think is best. For some bringing your loved one home or seeing them in the chapel of rest can help. I think you will only know once you decide and do it so do whatever your guy tells you will make you feel better

VilootShesCute · 08/03/2017 08:26

Morning Juan. Just sending love x

Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 08:30

Morning The Mumsnetters. Difficult day yesterday. Well, they're all difficult right now but in different ways. Ds3 (12) and Dd went back to school and work respectively - missed them so much. Dd's boyfriend, who has been with us since the night before M died, went home. Ds1 and 2 were home but the feeling was like some strange sort of holiday had come to an end.

My brother in law came over last night - he is 11 years younger than M and idolised him. He was trying to be brave for us but in the end it was easier for us all to give up pretending and sit round the table and cry! tried, in a small way, to get back to some routine/normality but everything I did made me think "the last time I did this M was still alive".

My neighbour came over in the afternoon and told me she'd seen M in the front garden on Thursday and they were chatting. That prompted me to remember that some time on Friday afternoon I asked him how he was feeling and he replied "Good. So good in fact I'll go and bring the bins in". And yet 3 days later he was gone :(

daisy thanks for alerting me to the webchat - I've asked a question. And once again thank you to everyone thinking about us.

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Original poster
JuanPotatoTwo · 08/03/2017 08:57

Oh another question - sorry.

If I'm the executor of M's will, which I am, and if the will is straightforward, which it is, do I actually need to appoint the solicitor? I had what seemed like a long conversation with her the other day, but on reflection I don't think she really answered that question. I recall a lot of "yes, we could act for you" and "if you'd like us to" type answers but not the answer to the question of "do I need you to act for me?" I have an appointment with her on Tues but wondering now if I actually need to see her again.

OP posts:
WitchDancer · 08/03/2017 09:07

You don't have to have a solicitor, no. My mum did everything for my nanna's will after she passed away without a solicitor but she is really good in stuff like going through probate etc.

bookbook · 08/03/2017 09:09

Morning Juan -
I was the executor of my DM's will, which was very straightforward. ( Just money , no property to sort) I did it myself , and kept all the paperwork of the things I had done in a folder in case of any queries. Most of it was straightforward by letter, the ones on the phone were emotionally very, very hard. Flowers

EnormousTiger · 08/03/2017 09:13

Juan, we had a thread on this recently in mumsnet. A solicitor was joint executor I think it was and insisting on acting. My siblings and I and his solicitor were my father's and we got the solicitor to stand down (it saved us a small fortune) and it was not really very hard to wind up the estate - I did it all. It was a lot quicker because I did it too. However not everyone wants to - if you use the solicitor they will charge. That's the only downside. It was really just form filling (and not giving money away until everything was done like house sale, taxes paid etc). We obviously used a property solicitor for the sale of our parents' house.

DramaAlpaca · 08/03/2017 09:52

Just sending a virtual your way this morning x

daisychain01 · 08/03/2017 11:53

((Hi Juan)) if you had mirror wills then it will be a very simple matter and you may not need a solicitor.

If everything feels overwhelming and having a solicitor to guide you is helpful and a comfort-factor, you could get them to quote a fixed fee, based on how straightforward your DHs will is. Then you could make a decision accordingly. I decided solicitor was helpful. My head was all over the place, it was an affordable cost and it Took away my fear of the unknown. I just wasn't prepared for it.

As I had to hold onto my f/t job, I couldn't have coped with everything all at once.

If you request a quote, you then make an informed decision. Don't put yourself under pressure on timescales, you don't have to deal with it all "tomorrow" iyswim.

I remember ringing up banks, building societies etc, and they all have a special service for bereavements. Every last person I had to deal with was amazing, lovely, compassionate and supportive to me. I went into the benefits office re widow's bereavement benefit and the lady who served me had tears in her eyes. It brings out the best in everyone. It makes us all part of the Human Race x

Cary2012 · 08/03/2017 16:28

Juan, for what it's worth I think it is really good that you 'all stopped pretending to be brave' and sat around the table and cried. You all need to do this, you people who loved him most. There are times when you have to try and be brave, but at home with family you must let go.

When my best friend died far too young, it was awful not being able to let go. I used to crave time alone so that I could let it all out.

I think you're amazing x

magimedi · 08/03/2017 17:02

ANother one who agrees with letting it all go. When my Dad died I howled (on & off) for some weeks. My sister & mother did not & I am sure I was all the better for grieving how I wanted to.

If the will is going to be a stress for you then ask a solicitor for a quote for their help. Don't pile on any additional pressure that you don't have to.

Lots of love to you, my Pesky one. (((xxx)))