ExH Suddenly Transgender

[theoracleofdelphi]

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

Firstly, the most important person in this is the OPs DD. All the debate about whether it's right or wrong is utterly irrelevant.
This wee girl was given no warning whatsoever and just turned up to see her Daddy and he had completely and utterly changed from the Daddy she's known all her life. That isn't fair. She needs to be supported, to be considered by her dad and he needs to allow her time to process such an enormous change and to grieve for the man she knew as Dad. To just drop this on a child while making such a massive visual statement is cruel.

Repeatedly on here we see threads where NRPs don't put the needs of their children first, or consider their feelings when introducing changes. Just because the buzz topic of the moment is involved here doesn't change that. OPs ex has to consider the child, what she needs, how to help her adjust and to put her first at all times. Which isn't happening.

Some late transitioning men infantilize themselves. They may be 40+ but they go by Miss and refer to themselves as girls, or T-girls. Some go so far as to identify as little girls. Thinking of themselves as very young and far more attractive than they are seems to be part of the obsession for this group. This is only one group, of course. Other transgender people are far more realistic.

Sorry, here's the correct T girl or tgirl link.

I hope you get the right legal advice and support op, having been through family courts myself they don't always get it right and in my case forced continued contact with my ex on my children even though they knew he was dangerous.

Thank God though, he was mainly hanging on to the kids to get back at me, so after a couple of months of supervised contact he stopped fighting to see them and couldn't be bothered anymore. He turned up a few years ago when my son was sixteen, but after a while my son realised what he is all about and now refuses to see him.

When its made clear to these narcissistic and psychopathic men that its all about the child and not about them, or their relationship with the mother they soon get bored in my experience, because putting a small child's needs before their own runs contrary to their nature.

What SaorAlba said - wise words.

Good point, Titania.

If he really had his daughter's interests at heart he could have introduced her to the idea of him wanting to identify as female gradually. After all many women wear jeans and no make up. He could have started out discussing the topic in no make up and jeans and then gradually dressed in a more feminine way, gradually added make up and after a few months introduced her to his transgender friends.
Doing it all at once seems designed to cause the maximum confusion to her if he'd never broached the subject before.

Yeah with him it's all about control. He wants to have complete control over absolutely everything and anyone refusing to go along with his decisions is a "bully"

If your XH was to rock up for contact with a new girlfriend in tow without warning, or to move to Australia, or make any other massive changes nobody would be pondering whether or not it was reasonable. I'm struggling to understand why anyone could defend someone who will willingly turn their child's life upside down without warning and without a single thought for the impact it will have on their child. OP fwiw I think you'd be reasonable to not force your DD to have contact if she doesn't want to. He father made his choice, she is entitled to make hers.

It's difficult for a child of 7 to understand stuff like that. I think you and ex husband need to sit down and have a serious talk.

It's a lot easier to say they need to sit down and talk than it is to actually do. I know the OP and the crap she's had to put up with for the last few years (Raven Bowie OP! XX).

My view is that this is all about control and bullying, and very little to do with how her ex wants to be perceived by anyone.

He refuses to talk, he refuses to compromise on anything, he has told me if I contact him he will report me for harassment (as payback because I had to report him last year). It's pathetic, it's childish & my feeling now is that I just don't want to play his games any more. DD doesn't want to see him. End of story. He can take me to court if he likes.

In other words he's behaving like any other typical male ex who is being difficult and recalcitrant in order to get back etc., despite the new name and clothes.

Keep a record of everything that's happening, you know that he will try to turn this around.

But of course. He's practically perfect in every way. I know it's not currently PC but I'm not calling him "her". Every cell of his body is male.

Caitlin Jenner transitioned late and the boxing promoter who went into big brother.

One of those two laughed publicly about having stolen their young daughter's knickers to wank in, and the other tried to strangle their wife and then wailed about the trauma of it all.

I think you're absolutely right, OP. Let him try taking you to court. If your DD finds the situation this distressing then contact is surely not in her interests. Keep a record of everything that happens, though I don't expect you need me to tell you that. I can't imagine a court will approve of your Ex's conduct.

I know it's not currently PC but I'm not calling him "her". Every cell of his body is male.

Totally agree with you here.

There's so much strength in your tone, it's fantastic. I hear the 'no nonsense', which is probably because you took way too much crap when you were with him.

Your DD is a priority. He doesn't act like a caring, thoughtful father for a minute.

In fact the more I think about it, him taking your DD to meet his trans friends, was plain abuse.

Your DD is a smart cookie like her mum.

Yes I started off as upset and tearful and now I'm furious!!

Stay angry oracle! It'll carry you through this