ExH Suddenly Transgender

[theoracleofdelphi]

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

That's a whole other and massive debate, Pencils

My point is that at seven years old, dd is the one who matters and she needs some child friendly language and concepts to get some kind of positive understanding of where her father and his friends are coming from and what's going on. Whatever anyone else may think of it, this is now part of her life and she's the one who has to deal with it - hopefully as gently and easily on her as possible.

Is he currently hypomanic or manic? I haven't RTFT but I wondered if that could be driving his decision making at the moment?

I briefly dated an AGP. Don't want to post about it publicly but it was a huge part of his sexuality so I'm surprised it hadn't emerged for your ex DH while you were together if that's what's going on.

I think if it was me I'd be saying that contact will take place at my house from now on, and will only take place if he's wearing gender-neutral clothes. He does sound like he may not be in a good place mentally to enable him to be a proper parent, so the op will need to make a judgement as to whether she thinks it's good for her dd to have contact with him at the moment.

No nothing like that was ever mentioned. He never mentioned dressing up or wanting to change gender or any sexual confusion -quite the opposite - he shagged 3 other women during our relationship. He dressed in very dull clothes - jeans, generally black t shirts and hoodies, boots, and was very hairy which he never trimmed.
I recently divorced him for adultery but now he has legally changed his name and wants his female name on our consent order!
You couldn't make it up!!

You'd hope that gender clinics would be weeding out people who are obviously confused and have fragile mental health or maybe being confused and having fragile mental health is fairly usual for their patients?

Evening all and thanks for the reports on this thread. We appreciate that this is a sensitive subject and also that the OP is in a very difficult situation. You've had some great advice and support on here, OP, but we did want to pop on here to say that we're keeping an eye on the thread. As you can see, some posts have been deleted.

Mumsnet is a general interest site; we moderate across a wide host of issues on a daily basis, and can't claim to be experts in any one field. As a result, our policy in terms of Talk Guidelines and what we deem deletable has always been inclusive rather than exclusive: we operate under broad principles of mutual respect and courtesy, rather than specifying what users can and can't say on any given topic.

So we apply those same broad principles when it comes to transphobia, rather than coming up with a Mumsnet definition of what transphobia is, or with a list of specific deletable transgressions.

MN has always been proud to allow users to have robust disagreements about difficult topics, but without hate speech, and without comments that are just plain mean, offensive, goady or personally directed at other posters. If you think we need to look at any particular posts, please flag them up by hitting the 'Report' button and we'll take a look.

Btw, my Dad shaved his beard off when I was about 15 and I freaked out. Ok, I'm possibly slightly more sensitive than most but that sudden change was hard enough to cope with so this is a huge change for a child to come to terms with.

A bit of flim flam there from MNHQ. Par for the course on these issues.

I know what I have to say is in no way related to what your poor daughter is going through, but it reminds me of something. When my twin nieces were @7-8 yr old, I drastically changed my hair. It went from being long and curly to as short as a pixie cut and bright red. They cried their eyes out and asked me to get my hair back, because I didn't look like their auntie PP. They are in their 30s now and still remember that, and of course we laugh about it, but they were dreadfully upset at the time.

I can't imagine what your poor daughter must have felt, seeing him like that. He really has no empathy for the poor wee soul, at all. There is no way I'd let him have physical contact with her, if she's upset about what he has done. He needs to work out his issues without putting that burden on her.

Londonsburningahhhh

I am so sorry if this is triggering for you. If this is bringing back unwelcome thoughts.

No child is responsible for their parents. It's completely the wrong round.

Most people carry baggage of some degree. If someone doesn't, they are one of the lucky ones.

And yes, some people have far more baggage than others.

I do often hesitate on these threads for that very reason.

But, in my experience, communication and dialogue is key. Even IF it is one-sided. Sometimes naming an issue benefits the person naming it, more than it does the person who has been named.

This particular case is shot through with selfishness and narcissism. Even people who are ambiguous about the trans issue are seeing it.

When a person puts their own feelings above, massively above, those of their family and children, it is often women who bear the brunt of the fall out.

In these cases it IS a feminist issue.

Just because it is about the women.

The fact that it is trans does not make it more or less feminist issue.

It is only focused on the trans part this time because women/feminists know that part of the ideology is misogynistic.

There is no benefit for women.

MNHQ - that is quite a significant change from the standard 'we don't moderate & rely on your reports' to 'we are keeping an eye on this thread'. What is the line here then? What is specific to this thread that requires actual moderation when every other thread I've seen which is heated or contentious gets the standard 'we don't moderate & rely on your reports'? How can anyone know what is & isn't considered transphobic if you won't even give the definition you are working with, while you 'keep an eye on this thread'?

What the hell is going on?

What the hell is going on?

I would quite like to know that, too.

Ok, having just clicked on the link to talk guidelines this is taken directly from the link given in deleted posts -

Remember, we do not pre-moderate posts. We rely on our members to let us know about any posts that break our Guidelines.

And this -

we'll remove posts we consider to contain personal attacks, to break the law and/or to be obscene, racist, sexist, disablist, ageist, homophobic or transphobic, once they are brought to our attention

I'd like to know why this thread is being moderated when your own talk guidelines say you do not moderate, and I'd like to know the definition of transphobia MNHQ is working with when responding to reports.

Bearing in mind the talk guidelines also state -

Our policy is to keep intervention to a minimum and let the conversation flow. That said, we're also here to make parents' lives easier

This thread is by a parent dealing with a difficult situation with her child - surely if she finds the posts made which are helpful are being deleted, that goes against the claim to be here to make parents lives easier?

I don't think it's acceptable to not be clear & specific on what you are defining as transphobic & where that definition is coming from.

I think that trans threads are watched by transactivists. I was surprised and pleased that the many of posts that mentioned AGP were allowed to stand. It must be quite difficult for mnhq but it seems to me that they're allowing more than they used to, which is positive.

Late to this, but WTF from HarmlessChap...

She is undergoing gender realignment ... It will require hormone treatment and eventually surgery which includes removing the testicles, scooping out the inside of penis and inverted to make an approximation of a vagina.

How much of a "man" will he be in your eyes then?

Women aren't just men with bits missing!

He'll still be a man as every cell in his body has XY chromosomes.

This poor child.

No, women aren't men with bits missing! That idea is pretty archaic thinking, it goes back to the idea that men are the default sex and male genitalia is the norm. It's very Freudian, and frankly should stay in the past along with other weirdness like the Oedipus Complex.

How much of a "man" will he be in your eyes then?

100% a man, still.

And I think every man who lost his testicles and/or penis due to accident or cancer will happily agree.

Yep, still a man.

He will always be a man and the fact that clothing, some hormone treatment, a name change & possibly surgery means he has MORE legal rights as a woman than I do kinda sticks in my throat.

While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination"

This sounds like it was carefully calculated to hurt and get at you. Why did he spring it on her and you otherwise? It does not sound to me that he gives a proverbial about your DD - it is all about him and his needs and his rights - 'she's fine with it' translates as 'I'm too self-absorbed to give a shit what she thinks'. Having said that, what does that last sentence even mean? His right to what? Essentially you married a man who was a sexist, self-absorbed narcissistic arse and whatever he calls himself or however he dresses this has not changed. Your poor DD. She must be mourning her lost Daddy. I do so feel for her. This is not just about your ex doing the whole trans thing - it is about his complete and utter disregard for her and for her feelings - and my guess she is picking up on that.

I suggest that you get good legal advice in case he pressures for more access etc - because you can bet he'll play the 'I'm being denied access to my child because I'm trans' line.

God yeah! I've already been accused of being "transphobic which is a hate crime and will therefore be reported". Whether or not he continues to have one, he is a monumental cock.

You are seeking legal advice re your rights and your DD's rights aren't you?

I did like your last sentence. I was actually going to write something similar, but I was scared of being banned!

Yes taking legal advice