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Original poster

ExH Suddenly Transgender

221 replies

theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 09:40

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

OP posts:
PinkMarshmallows · 19/02/2017 10:41

OP, I can't see any way a court would enforce contact with your ex given what she has done to your DD. It is abusive.

You are definitely doing the right thing for DD. Your ex needs to get her head out of her ass and put her child's needs first.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 10:48

Thanks for that great insight Pink - yes the way he's done this is appalling and he has broken his relationship with DD & myself. He acted in similar way with other women. We were still married and in a relationship although he "needed his own place for his mental health". DD walked into his bedroom one morning to find another woman in bed with him and was expected to just accept it. She came home and told me "Daddy has a new girlfriend and she was in bed with him".
First I knew that we weren't together anymore! She lasted about 3 weeks and then he spent 6 months trying to get me back & when I took him back did the same again! Obvs I divorced him!

OP posts:
PinkMarshmallows · 19/02/2017 11:02

That's appalling, OP.

This isn't a transgender issue this is a selfish arse who has never considered their DDs welfare. Any judge will see that.

As you don't have a court ordered access arrangement in place you are well within your rights to stop access until she agrees to deal with introducing her new identity to DD in an appropriate way. It is then up to ex to bring it to court if not happy. I would be pretty confident the judge would see things your way.

Whether the transgender issue is genuine or just another symptom of MH issues is not your problem. Your only issue is to make sure DD is put first.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Stay strong Flowers

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 11:05

Thanks everyone - I am determined to be her advocate and protector. She's SO happy the last few days when I reassured her she didn't have to go if she doesn't want to.

OP posts:
Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 12:20

Did you get a reply back from him?

You are doing the right thing for your daughter. He sounds unstable.

DameDeDoubtance · 19/02/2017 14:42

Her reaction tells you everything you need to know.

SandyY2K · 19/02/2017 14:51

My word, he brought another woman into your home just like that!

Goodness gracious what a selfish human being.

He's clearly on another planet.

Bless your lovely DD... and I'm glad she said that to the babysitter.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 17:37

She's just so sweet and loving Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 17:53

No reply apart from the "you are transphobic which is a hate crime and will be reported"

OP posts:
Londonsburningahhhh · 19/02/2017 17:58

He's talking nonsense the message you sent him proves nothing.

DameDeDoubtance · 19/02/2017 17:59

He sounds unhinged and is using this as another way to get at you. Let him contact you in future and keep all correspondence, let your daughter decide what she wishes to do next.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 21:22

Yeah he's unhinged. My solicitor is writing to his to raise serious concerns about his priorities and behaviour.

OP posts:
DameDeDoubtance · 19/02/2017 21:32

Kids don't lie, he is making her uncomfortable, telling her he is now the same sex as she is. If he had come out as gay she wouldn't have batted an eyelid because being gay doesn't change you, you don't have to make any changes to be gay. I have no idea why trans is bundled in with gay at all, it has nothing to do with sexual preference. He is obviously enjoying the attention and his new status, and prioritising that over a relationship with his daughter.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 21:55

Yes - narcissistic personality disorder on speed! He can basically shag the one he loves most without being gay - himself

OP posts:
YetAnotherSpartacus · 19/02/2017 22:06

I rather suspect he is relying on the untouchability of 'trans' people to get what he wants .... The Headline would be 'my daughter is being kept from me because I'm TRANS' ... And this also allows him to insult with impunity because anything is transphobia or a slur designed to cause stigma - thus any response is justified.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 19/02/2017 22:08

Yes he'll be dining out on this forever Halo

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 19/02/2017 22:09

I think that people in general are starting to

DameDeDoubtance · 19/02/2017 22:13

by the time people wake up laws would have already been changed Sad

Datun · 20/02/2017 11:30

dame

I agree with that, but laws can be undone. Making self identification law will suddenly have every unhinged twat come out of the woodwork.

People won't care if they identify as trans or not, in fact there will be no such thing as trans because there is no criteria.

Honestly, the more I think about it the more disbelieving I am. You can legally become a woman just by saying it out loud.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 20/02/2017 11:39

It's surely not something that robust legislation can be constructed around. If just saying that you're a woman makes you one then people can "change sex" numerous times a day and this will predictably lead to a surge in voyeurism and other crimes.

As for the idea that expecting your DD's father not to distress his young child by springing what sounds like a disturbing situation on her might be a hate crime, well I'm beyond it.

xStefx · 20/02/2017 11:50

OP, what was his response to you saying DD doesn't want to see him?

xStefx · 20/02/2017 11:52

sorry ignore thought I was on page 8, not 7 oops

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 20/02/2017 14:38

And his maintenance payment went in today and he's changed his bank details to Miss ............... It was simply initials before. Hmm

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 20/02/2017 15:18

I know not everyone will agree with this, but as a single 40 odd year old woman, I find it quite infantilising to be called miss and prefer ms. It's a bit galling that a man who's quite possibly got a fetish about being a submissive woman is using that title. Although I would much prefer to not have to use a title at all at any time, he is obviously relishing the chance.

ageingrunner · 20/02/2017 15:26

When he rings his bank it'll be one of those excruciating situations: No, sir, I need to speak to the account holder
I AM the account holder
Oh, sorry miss