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Original poster

ExH Suddenly Transgender

221 replies

theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 09:40

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/02/2017 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CityMole · 17/02/2017 15:07

Gosh, OP, what are you going to do about it?

mikeyssister · 17/02/2017 15:15

I have a friend who's a trans woman post op. Previously married with children, who was, is and always will be their dad.

Once my friend made the decision to transition she and her wife immediately arranged counseling for the children and gradually introduced the idea that Daddy is a woman, the children's needs always came first.

Now my friend has a brilliant relationship with her children (subject to normal stresses and strains) and despite splitting with her wife they BOTH continue to put the needs of their children first.

Unfortunately, you are going to have to help your DD come to terms with this issue because her Dad is handling it extremely badly. I suggest you contact a transgender support group as they help families as well as transgender individuals.

MightyMikey · 17/02/2017 15:56

I'm so sorry to hear that your DD's dad is being so inconsiderate. Did want to attach a link, with details of AGP, with credible data and papers linked at the bottom to back up claims that AGP is a mental disorder.

Learning about transgenderism in all it's forms will help you, so you can then help your DD, as she will be dealing with her Dad for many years to come.

AGP Truth

Having lived with an AGP - he/she is a lovely person but I do need to gently talk to them about how far down the rabbit hole they are going and they can be a complete nightmare when the compulsion takes them over - they can only think of things in their way and on their terms - IMHO not a good mindset to looking after a young child.

Good luck and lots of strength to you and your DD.

VestalVirgin · 17/02/2017 17:29

I think your daughter will profit from you explaining the facts to her.

Sit down with a biology book and explain that her daddy is still biologically male and will always be, and his way of dressing is just a way of dressing.

When I was a child, I was very scared by things I did not understand.

Though explaining autogynephilia to her would not be age appropriate, you could tell her that this is to do with his issues (which she has probably noticed before).

Part of what scares her could be his utter disregard of her feelings, and the fact that he appropriates her lived reality as a costume. She may not have the words for it, but of course it makes her uncomfortable.

Encourage her to stand by what she said and enforce her boundaries.

justwanttoweeinpeace · 17/02/2017 17:48

TBH the transgender part of this issue seems to be a bit of a red herring. It's the selfishness of the father that would concern me.

I'd be having a chat with my solicitor if I were you, to see what my rights were regarding limited or supervised contact.

If he thinks this is all cool, what's the next 'unsuitable for children' episode likely to be?

And before anyone starts, I'm not suggesting a man dressing as a woman is unsuitable for children, more the idea that familiar daddy is suddenly gone for good. I can't see how that wouldn't be devastating for a child. If it was essentially the same old daddy with a bit of make up on and some skinnier jeans than usual (as PP seems to be suggesting) it surely wouldn't be nearly as distressing.

BarrackerBarma · 17/02/2017 17:55

It's hard enough as an adult woman to handle an assertion from an adult man that he is going to be a woman, just like you.

If you accept a man can be a woman like you, you have to deny everything about yourself that makes you fundamentally different from men. Everything real about you that you know makes you female. You have to deny fundamental aspects of yourself and your life if they conflict with the idea that woman is all about your brain. You have to ignore a lot of meaningful stuff that you and most women you know have in common.

and you have pretend to accept something you may have always rejected; that you are apparently only female because you have a woman's brain.

Keeping up such a pretence, denying really important truths about yourself is damaging - even for an adult.

Telling a little girl that she and her adult male father are the same gender is so wrong.

Datun · 17/02/2017 18:11

Telling a little girl that she and her adult male father are the same gender is so wrong.

This.

Which, as she starts to go through puberty, she will absolutely know.

What she will experience as a young girl growing up will be almost the opposite of what her father is experiencing.

The OP has said her ex does not have gender dysphoria. He fits the profile, typically, of a late transitioning man with AGP.

If he has AGP he will be getting a sexual thrill out of being recognised as a woman. AGP has a strong humiliation element which is arousing.

If his daughter encounters any kind of sexual harassment, or objectification from boys as a teenager, she will be having the completely opposite reaction to that of her father.

Given his issues and serial selfishness in the past his own daughter's experience will be unfathomable to him and he may well profoundly disagree with her reactions.

OP what ever your ex decides to do, I should imagine he is in desperate need of counselling. Not least to help him navigate his relationship with his daughter.

It might really help if you talked to him about AGP. If he has it, and he knows he does, you might be able to come to an understanding with him about why his experience is going to be different to his daughter's (and any other woman's).

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 17/02/2017 18:18

I can't imagine that the man OP has described would be willing or capable of analysing the difference between his viewpoint and that of women and girls. If he was to accept that perspective he would have to accept that he doesn't actually know what it feels like to be a woman, which is the exact opposite of what he needs to believe.

IamNotDarling · 17/02/2017 18:24

Well said BarrackerBarma

PushingThru · 17/02/2017 18:26

Interesting that he will surprise his daughter with his trans status, but not his colleagues. This is a situation that needs sensitive handling. Regardless of his gender identity & any changes to his body - there'll be a selfish prick living inside it.

Bluntness100 · 17/02/2017 18:30

'm not sure I'd have been that traumatised at the thought- per se- of my father revealing that he identifies as woman, either as a small child or as a teen

VestalVirgin · 17/02/2017 18:35

Interesting that he will surprise his daughter with his trans status, but not his colleagues.

His colleagues are not at his mercy. They can avoid him outside work.
I think he is confident he'll be able to force his daughter to see him.

MercyMyJewels · 17/02/2017 18:40

Why was your post deleted Prawn? MNHQ?

MercyMyJewels · 17/02/2017 18:45

OK, have worked it out. It's fucking outrageous that autogynephilia can't be discussed. Is it a secret?

Are we not allowed to discuss it? Mention it? Is Everyday Submission giving you a hard time MNHQ?

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 17/02/2017 18:50

Yes I get that impression that Autogynaephilia is transgender's secret ugly sister

OP posts:
arsenaltilidie · 17/02/2017 18:55

Some of these comments are astonishing.
Substitute transgender for gay and we are back 30 years.
Transgender people aren't scary vile people.

ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 19:02

Who has said that trans people are scary and vile?

Gallavich · 17/02/2017 19:03

Transgender == gay
Trans women aren't scary vile people, they are male though.
Most Lots of late transitioning heterosexual trans women are autogynephiles

Montane50 · 17/02/2017 19:10

If it effected my dc im afraid id be extremely politically incorrect and tell exh to bog off

VestalVirgin · 17/02/2017 19:10

Substitute transgender for gay and we are back 30 years.

Gay people never asked us to pretend that biology isn't real, you know? There's a difference.
I find your comment very homophobic.

littlefrog3 · 17/02/2017 19:16

If it effected my dc im afraid id be extremely politically incorrect and tell exh to bog off

Agree with montaine ^

Trans women aren't scary vile people, they are male though.

And also, where did anyone say trans are vile and scary people gallavich? Can you point me to where that was said on this thread?

VestalVirgin · 17/02/2017 19:18

And also, where did anyone say trans are vile and scary people gallavich?

No one said it. Well, arsenaltilidie brought it up, in the hopes of making it seem as if trans were under attack.
But no one had said it before.

Gallavich · 17/02/2017 19:21

youthtranscriticalprofessionals.org/2016/11/03/a-gay-man-writes-about-medicalized-childhood/

littlefrog it was a straw man argument a few posts above mine. I was refuting it.

whatsthepointofmorgan · 17/02/2017 19:49

There's also the matter of autogynaephilia, which as a late transitioned he is likely to have. Not really something a child should be involved in, imo.

Exactly.
There is an unsavory side that people like to brush under the carpet for fear of being labelled transphobic.
Thank you for being brave enough to mention it.