ExH Suddenly Transgender

[theoracleofdelphi]

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

Good. Because I recon he's going to milk his trans status for all it's worth.

Hugs to your DD. I still can't fathom how a father could do that.

That's what strikes me as odd about all the watching that is going on re this thread. To me, the fundamental issue is that a little girl is traumatised because her father acted really, really badly - and yet the focus seems to be more on transphobia than it does on the issue of the upset child.

yet the focus seems to be more on transphobia than it does on the issue of the upset child.

Isn't that a surprise.

Honestly? Here (on MN) it is! I'd totally expect that a man's right to anything be put put before a woman's anywhere - but not a child's on here. Ugh - I think grammar is fucked above, but can't be arsed to fix it.

Yup, so much for MN being here to 'make parents' lives easier' .

I meant the focus of the watching transactivists. MN are really just trying to keep everybody happy. Which I don't think is possible.

I meant the focus of the watching transactivists

Yes, I'd forgotten them. Sigh. The main issue to me, though, is the OP's DD and I'm just feeling so gutted for her.

I personally think the friends thing was particularly inappropriate.

Totally inappropriate but it was ok "because some of them are social workers"

OP, I love what you said.

"Whether or not he continues to have one, he is a monumental cock"

It's priceless.

Trans activists are very keen to avoid any suggestions that their identity is in any way sexually motivated. They get very annoyed at references to AGP, even deny that it exists at all or claim that just mentioning it is transphobic.

It's a daft thing to say because on sites where transwomen post they discuss AGP openly. Susan's Place Transgender Resources has lots of information, as does the Reddit subgroup, r/asktransgender.

OP, you might also find this link useful. It's advice from dozens of women whose OHs have come out as trans. Although you are no longer together it's relevant so long as you are having to co-parent.

Funny how their sex is not allowed to be anything to do with sex isn't it?!

How long until he sees her again? I would be led by your daughter, she is your priority. Sounds like another ego trip for him.

She was meant to see him this weekend but has refused to go

You have to support her decision, you can't force her. He isn't considering her needs at all. Does he know that she isn't coming yet?

She was meant to see him this weekend but has refused to go.

Can't say I blame her. I hope she's okay.

Yes he texted Friday morning to say (in usual exh overly formal language) "I will collect DD from your residential address at 6pm this evening" to which I replied "DD doesn't want to see you."

Let your daughter dictate what happens next, keep things normal and answer questions as they arise. This is about her now, not him.

Yes - interestingly I was out with school friends this evening and so DD's favourite babysitter came who she adores. Apparently she said to the babysitter - I'm so glad you came to babysit tonight. I didn't want to go to Daddy's. He wears a dress and make up and straightens his hair and it's weird. I don't want two Mummys- just my Mummy.
I guess that makes her transphobic too.

It makes the babysitter a witness. Can you ask her to write down what yourDD said? I just can't help thinking your ex is going to get difficult over this.

Yes my babysitter is writing a statement making it clear DD initiated the conversation. He will fight no doubt and has already used the transphobic & hate crime threats

My DH transitioned six years ago, now post op and out in all aspects of life. DCs were 8 and 11 when she first came out to me. We are still married, all living together but not a couple but good friends. We have all managed to figure out a way to make our family work.

Having said that, if my OH had done what your ex did I would have immediately booted her out and no way would have I made the DC see her at all if they did not want to. I said very clearly to OH right from the start that the DCs welfare must always come first. We will always be parents before anything else.

We managed to find a way forward together because OH readily agreed to take everything at the pace agreed by the DC. If that had meant the DC deciding never to see her again she would have agreed though she loves them both more than anything in the world. As it worked out the DC gradually felt able to see OH dressed in female clothing (but never over the top fetish gear!) and worked their way to now being comfortable with everyday life together and friends coming round and meeting OH. All done very gradually over the years and always with specific permission of DC.

However DCs have never met any of OHs trans friends as they don't want to which is fine. They also call OH Dad as that is what she is!

Some friends saw OH as selfish for transitioning and said she should just have squashed her feelings down and stayed living as a man. However OH was so fundamentally unhappy that the family would have split due to OHs moods and she would likely have killed her self if tried this. As it is now OH is so much happier and relaxed that our home is a much better place for all.

In the end the DCs love their Dad and desperately wanted her to stay, so that's what happened.

OP, if your ex cannot put the welfare of DD first she should not be allowed to see her. No question. DD comes first.

I would also be concerned that your ex's mental health issues could be at the root of this decision to transition.

Though I know better than most that transgender is a real condition which can only be helped by transitioning, we know quite a few people who have transitioned but are still unhappy and their problems are clearly due to other MH issues.

Surgery is not reversible and we both think more counselling and MH investigation should be done before patients are given the go ahead for surgery. If you are genuinely transgender it can't hurt to make sure you are doing the right thing and if other conditions are there these can be discovered and treated.