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Original poster

ExH Suddenly Transgender

221 replies

theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 09:40

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

OP posts:
DJKKSlider · 16/02/2017 11:16

About 80% of transwomen

You mean 80% of the transwomen that were asked in the survey you quoted without any source. How many did they ask? 10? 100? 1000? All of them?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 11:18

Didn't you post about this yesterday OP

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 16/02/2017 11:20

Under a different user name Confused

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 13:56

Yes I posted in transgender Parents but not many comments there. I've name changed because my original name is very old and identifiable as my job.

I am seeking support for DD to come to terms with the shock and her own understanding of what this means. He can identify as a she and wear what he likes but she has spent the last 7 years adoring him as her Daddy.

Worrying is that he is still "presenting as a man" at work, but refusing to compromise by wearing neutral clothing when with her. It's not as if I wear dresses, high heels and full make up all the time so surely for 4 days a month he can put her feelings first and gradually change rather than this sudden fait a complis?

Of course I am upset but more because of its effect on DD rather than myself.

Who knows if these feelings caused all those mental health problems and drug abuse or the other war round. I had to report him for harassment last year for contacting people I know and telling them I was spreading malicious gossip about them so they phoned me in a fury.

He is using this police warning as an excuse not to collaborate with me over DD's wellbeing.

OP posts:
CityMole · 16/02/2017 13:59

You could withhold contact until s/he engages with you on this. Are the contact arrangements formalised/ by court order?

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 14:04

No it's a voluntary arrangement EOW. He used to have her 40% of the time but suddenly moved away last autumn and now only EOW. She was very close to him but now says she doesn't want to go because she doesn't want Daddy to be a girl.

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 16/02/2017 14:13

I would absolutely not.. be open to my 7 year old to have to go through counselling to accommodate her Father becoming Jennifer ..

He/She needs to understand that this will take time... and your daughter must be allowed to take all the time she needs ... not be pocked and prodded through a 12 step program to suit Daddys new identity..

lets be honest... it'd be shock enough for her to meet Daddy/Jennifer... to then be thrust into the Group Meeting of like minded ladies of Daddy/Jennifer's new social circle..... way too much too soon x

CityMole · 16/02/2017 14:16

If she doesn't want to go, then she doesn't go, in that case.

IsitJustFantasy · 16/02/2017 17:12

I agree with Bonny. Way too much too soon.

If he's wearing men's clothes for work surely he could tone it down a bit when seeing your dd. He isn't putting her needs first.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/02/2017 17:20

Yeah, I find myself wondering what a counsellor could say to justify this man's conduct. "Daddy is a woman now" just isn't true. "Daddy feels happier dressed as a woman" - which prompts the question"Why?" - to which there is no answer that's palatable to a 7 year old's ears.

Gender identity is not a concept that will counteract the fact that most children know they y boys becomes men. Every 7 year old knows that. The amount of basic bollocks someone would have to utter to explain this situation and make daddy's conduct in any way acceptable would be staggering.

OP you might do well to read up on transwidows, they call themselves that because their husbands died and were reborn as women. There are a number of blogs, I can give you some links. You're not with your Ex but a lot of what these women - and their children - will be relevant.

Bluntness100 · 16/02/2017 17:22

He seems to be being needlessly cruel to his own child. Any reasomable person understamds this is a big change to a young child and one they need help to understand. To throw her in with no warning and have her spend time with his friends would have been bewildering to a child of that age.

Apparantly he cares more about what people at work think that his own daughter. If she doesnr want to see him. She should not be forced to.

His right to transition and be treated respectfully does not trump his obligation to treat his child respectfully.

Original poster
theoracleofdelphi · 16/02/2017 18:22

Totally - it's ALWAYS been about his wants and needs first - shagging other women, repeatedly, leaving and campaigning hard to get me back depending on which side he wanted his bread buttered, leaving me in the lurch for my overnight on calls by moving away suddenly, cutting financial support, and despite some pretty heavy duty psychiatric treatment in the past is now sailing through the process at Charing Cross GID!
The great news though that he is "happy"!! Yay!

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 16/02/2017 18:30

The fact that he is being taken seriously and presumably will be given hormones too in the not so distant future is just mind-blowing

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/02/2017 19:03

There's a big taboo about discussing MH among people working in gender clinics. It's a tricky one because if someone who wants body mods is perfectly mentally well the question immediately arises that asks why people should get such expensive treatment - or any treatment - on the NHS? If, otoh, they are mentally ill, then you have to find out what treatment gives the best outcome. There are some experts who recommend talking therapy rather than transition.

The American health care system has stopped funding surgical treatment because their research found it didn't improve patients' mental health.

venusinscorpio · 16/02/2017 19:18

You have my sympathy, OP, he sounds like a narcissist. Which may or may not be a related issue.

venusinscorpio · 16/02/2017 19:30

Agree that you might find the "transwidow" blogs Prawn mentioned useful and supportive.

SandyY2K · 17/02/2017 00:04

I'm trying to think what to say to you, but all I can say I sorry for your poor DD having such a selfish father, putting his needs above hers like that.
Such an idiot, thinking he can just change like that and have her accept it, poor child. Then he has the cheek of calling you abusive, when you raise it with him ... what an absolute [insert whatever]

She must have been in a terrible state and all he could say was "she's fine with it". Clearly she wasn't and any half decent parent (which he isn't) would never have sprung this on a 7 year old child.

If she doesn't want to go, then don't send her and when it's his next weekend, tell him DD doesn't want to come. I think you may need a professional third party to assist with it, if he demands to see her. Your GP might be able to signpost you to a helpful professional.

So very sad and my heart goes out to you and your DD. I'd be devastated.

RestlessTraveller · 17/02/2017 00:13

AgeingRunner your bigotry is astonishing.

Gallavich · 17/02/2017 00:21

All these posters trying to be so open minded their brains have fallen out
This man is a mentally unwell, extremely selfish individual who has not turned into a woman overnight. If he wanted to introduce the idea of transition to his daughter, turning up as 'jennifer' without any preparation was a selfish, narcissistic way to go about it.
Poor child is confused and distressed and it's hardly surprising! This is the continuation of the selfish and narcissistic behaviour that the man has displayed over time, not some amazing brave move to authenticity. There are ways to introduce a child to a Parents' transition that are child focused. This is al about him.

ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 07:48

Restless what have I said that's bigoted?

Gallavich · 17/02/2017 08:16

This reply has been deleted

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ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 08:58

Thanks Gallavich I didn't think I had. I'd be interested to know what had astonished Restless though

ErrolTheDragon · 17/02/2017 09:08

Maybe it's astonishing at this point in time to find a place on the web which tends to combine a focus on parenting - being responsible for the wellbeing of children - with a grasp on human biology (which is also kind of a prerequisite to being a parent)?

whatsthepointofmorgan · 17/02/2017 09:30

Most real women don't dress like that on a daily basis. . No wonder your little girl was so frightened.
Tell him he needs to tone it down a bit. Save the flamboyance for when he's with his friends.

When he has access to your little girl is NOT the time to try and prove a point .
Her needs,override his.

ageingrunner · 17/02/2017 09:38

Yy Errol. I have a child of similar age and I can't really imagine how upset and confused he'd be if exp was suddenly dressed as a woman and took him out with lots of other men also dressed as women. But exp wouldn't do that because he isn't a massively selfish twat. There's also the matter of autogynaephilia, which as a late transitioned he is likely to have. Not really something a child should be involved in, imo. Just my opinion of course.

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