ExH Suddenly Transgender

[theoracleofdelphi]

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

There's also the matter of autogynaephilia, which as a late transitioned he is likely to have. Not really something a child should be involved in, imo.

Exactly.
There is an unsavory side that people like to brush under the carpet for fear of being labelled trans phobic.
Thank you for being brave enough to mention it.

Transgender people aren't scary vile people.

People aren't scary or vile because they are transgender. Even people with autogynephilia aren't necessarily so. Take Grayson Perry - he says his dressing up as a woman is tied in with his eroticism and sadomasochistic fetish (interview with the Telegraph, freely available online). The difference is he does not say he is a woman and he isn't demanding that he access women and girls.

Autogynephilia is prolific. It is a characteristic of late transitioning males. Men who transition after the age of 30 or 40, who have fathered several children and had relationships all their lives with women, do not have gender dysphoria.

AGP is not a secret. There are pages and pages of transwomen on the Internet devoted to the enjoyment of it.

It is a very strange condition, in that the person almost wants to live in the skin of a woman as a turn on.

It would be laughable if it weren't so serious.

Autogynephilia is prolific. It is a characteristic of late transitioning males. Men who transition after the age of 30 or 40, who have fathered several children and had relationships all their lives with women, do not have gender dysphoria.

Be that as it may.
I don't care if they're into other women or otherwise.
But my main priority would be my daughter.
I don't think it's right that her dad is taken her into environments where the adults have strange sexual preferences.

I can't imagine that the man OP has described would be willing or capable of analysing the difference between his viewpoint and that of women and girls.

I know that prawn of course.

Partly i'm trying to be fair (when of course, I realise someone with AGP will never be fair). But partly, I think if someone such as the OPs ex was confronted, it may, just may open a dialogue.

Both he and she know he has a sexual problem, not gender dysphoria. It needs to be named, in order to be addressed, in order that his version of transgenderism does not enter into his child's life.

And actually even in the case of a gay parent... a father very suddenly introducing a new male partner and a whole new set of people without discussing it would be terrible parenting! It wouldn't be about the sexuality as much as the fuckwittery.

In this case it's worse because 7 year olds can have pretty fixed views of sex and gender that they don't have about sexuality.

Caitlin Jenner transitioned late and the boxing promoter who went into big brother. Calling it a fetish is fucking insulting yes he's a selfish prick. I am offended reading some of the posts on here. My dad is a transwoman your daughter will be fine you need to sit with and talk to her about it. You don't need to get the biology book at your daughter is not stupid. Email him and tell him he needs to explain it properly to her because she is shocked and leave it there. If he responds back with nonsense ignore or repeat yourself. He will climb down from his high horse. You can't keep her away from him because of his change you will look bad.

I really feel for your daughter OP, that must have been hard for her.
At 7, if I'd have been forced to go out with a bunch of people who to me were men dressed as women....including my own Dad...with no warning....I'd have been utterly mortified. I'd have felt like everyone was looking, I'd have felt bewildered and confused. This is disgusting behavior from a man who is clearly only thinking of himself.
If he is genuinely trans, there is no reason why a sensitive discussion could not have been had, along with outings involving just the two of them with him in gender neutral clothing.....gradually introducing his new identity. A child will cope with that. But this is awful.
From what you have said, it sounds more like mental I'll health than genuinely being trans and there is nothing wrong with wanting to protect your daughter.

harmlesschap an inside out penis is not 'an approximation' of a vagina. A vagina is not a duck pocket which needs dilating on a daily basis to keep it penetratable for men

*fuck, not duck

I have never read before until now and it's definitely an eye opener. My dad never spoke about it and I did ask him. He's not gay the article does make sense.

I don't talk to my dad anymore and if I do it's very awkward. Know one spoke to me about it so when I go onto threads like these it confuses me. I don't want to believe that was going on around me at a young age. I am starting to come to terms with it. The more I talk/post the more I heal.

It's difficult, Londonsburning. AGP is fuelled by porn and your dad's hardly likely to discuss his sexual fantasies with you. Waaay too much information!

Sorry if this thread has opened your eyes to something uncomfortable. None of us want to think about the sex lives of our parents.

Londonsburning

It's not pearl clutchy to think a child will be confused by their parent declaring themself to be the opposite sex,

I agree.

I'm in my 40s and would be shocked to the core, if this happened to me now.

No matter what people's experiences are, or whether either of your parents or friends or family are transferred... *No responsible sensible parent, with the interest of their child, would do what the OPs Ex did.

All this talk of counselling and sitting down to talk to your DD about it, isn't something I'd do with a view to her accepting it.

If her father couldn't care less about the damage his actions have on your DD, then if it was my DD, I'd quite frankly believe she's better off without him in her life.

In years to come she'll remember the day her dad dressed up like a woman and took her to meet all his trans friends.

Never underestimate the damage this could have on her.

I can't believe he said, as he's failed at being a man, he'll try being a woman. His track record shows he'll be a failure with everything. Some people are.

Londonsburning, I feel for you. I assume you were in the same position as OP's DD. Very hard.

He is a selfish drama llama. The poor girl must be utterly flummoxed.

The issue is that he can't just expect his seven year old to abruptly validate and embrace her dad looking completely different to the person she's built her security on as her parent.

Responsibly, he needs to take the time to talk to her about this, find some books for her, look into how transgender parents support their children the same way gay parents or single mothers by choice prepare and support their children to have a full understanding of and emotionally cope with their situation.

My father abruptly left us and came out as gay: he'd fought with it all his life. However he went to a lot of time and trouble to help me and siblings understand and to talk to us about it and gave us time to adjust as a family, to be part of the massive change in his life he was making.

Is he interested in his daughter's needs, feelings and best interests, or is he interested in her validation? That's the bottom line. If it's the first, I wish him the best in finding good advice, age appropriate books and support in helping dd positively come to terms with this. If it's the second, then she needs protecting from being distressed and confused in his crossfire, and he needs to realise she won't ever forget how he made her feel if he handles this badly.

There is no age at which books full of lies are appropriate.