ExH Suddenly Transgender

[theoracleofdelphi]

My ex husband has a history of cyclothymia, psychotic episodes, substance abuse & alcohol abuse. He had 3 affairs during our marriage and was emotionally abusive. I eventually broke free and divorced him. He moved away to a large city.

We have a 7 yo DD and last weekend she visited him and he was dressed as a woman and took her out for the day with other new transgender friends. While she was there he sent me an email telling me he has changed his name to Jennifer, was having gender reassignment treatment and our DD was "fine with it". He also said he "asserts his right not to hide away to protect his children from discrimination".

DD came home very distressed and crying about "Daddy dressing like a girl" and doesn't want to see him like that.

I texted him and asked him to dress neutrally as many women including me would at the weekend (jeans and t shirt) while she's with him to allow time for me to arrange support for her to come to terms with this and he just replied "stop sending abusive messages".
DD doesn't want to see him unless he dresses like a boy. He won't compromise.

Any advice?

I'm not sure a child of any age would cope well with being confronted by their DF suddenly presenting as a woman, let alone being taken out for the day with his transgender friends. Thinking back to my teens I think I would have been traumatized by such an experience even at that age.

Whichever way you look at it and no matter how old the child, it's not an example of good, respectful, selfless parenting. Shudder at the idea of that happening to a teenager. I'd probably still be in therapy now, 30 years later

Deleted for saying that this is a man with mental health problems and that his daughter is likely to find him wearing feminine clothing confusing
K

But...that's what the thread is about. Op has said he has got a history of mh problems and his daughter is confused by him suddenly turning up in a dress, without warning

I found this article which is very interesting reading

www.thepublicdiscourse.com/2015/06/15145/

I just read again that he took her out with his trans friends as well. It would have been hard enough just her and him, but having him do it that way, is not just irresponsible parenting, but it borders on abuse. A little 7 year old girl having to deal with that, is really sad. She must have been so confused.

All this talk of being traumatised by a parent coming out as transgender is a little bit OTT/ pearl-clutchin- surely like anything to do with family relations, it depends on how it is handled. I'm not sure I'd have been that traumatised at the thought- per se- of my father revealing that he identifies as woman, either as a small child or as a teen. I'm sure I'd have been teased about it at school by idiot bigots, but if it had been dealt with properly and openly by my parents, then I would credit myself (even the young me) as having the intelligence and compassion to understand the issues and to be oK with things.

however, this isn't really about the fact that the OP's ex now identifies as female (despite some attempts to derail it into that single issue). It is about:

• the way in which this change has been unveiled to her dd, suddenly and without warning or collaboration with the OP
• the fact that exH insists on hamming up the girlie stuff in front of dd when he seems capable of keeping a lid on it for work- why are work so special but DD not? Couldn't he at least use a phased approach with dd for her sake?
• exH is also involving DD in socialising with other people who cross-dress, which could be very confusing for her and she has indicated that she doesn't like it

And yes, I do think it's relevant that the ex has a history of mental health and drug problems- it does call into question whether or not this is a 'real' change, and whether it is going to be a permanent change, and even if so- whether it will be handled sensibly and considerately (his/her actions so far suggest that the child's welfare is not being considered by exH.)

I think the OP would be entitled to withdraw contact until such a time as the OP engages with her and they mutually agree a plan for dealing with how they help DD adjust to these changes. I do not think the fact of his transgender however is in itself traumatising, nor should it be if it is handled correctly.

It's not pearl clutchy to think a child will be confused by their parent declaring themself to be the opposite sex, especially if the child has any knowledge of how babies are made etc. The child will be confused and it's not helpful to tell them that they're wrong to be and they should just accept it. The father has changed the basis of the parent/child relationship and that needs to be addressed honestly for the child's sake.

I know and understand that some people are born into the wrong body. But I have to agree with ageinrunner. Whether this man is genuinely trans, or whether he is just an attention seeker, what he has done (with regards to the daughter,) is totally wrong.

I would be very reluctant indeed to allow him to take her ANYWHERE again. Poor girl, she must be so confused.

It's all very well being all 'with it' and 'PC,' and 'right on,' but sometimes there are other sides to things like this, and accusing people who think this man is in the wrong of being a BIGOT, is not helpful!

Ha! X post littlefrog. You may not be agreeing with me anymore

lol I'm not calling being transgender a fetish, I'm saying that a late transitioning heterosexual transwoman is likely to be an autogynaephiliac (fetish of being sexual aroused by the thought of oneself as a woman). Google it, there's a lot of information out there about it. This is distinct from early transitioning, homosexual transwomen, and trans children, of course.

I'd be furious that rather than discuss this with me so that we can introduce the change to dd slowly and in a way that she can understand, he just springs it on her.
He can be fully male during working hours but can't tone it down for a few days a month so that his 7 year old little girl can adjust? Do you think he planning to slowly introduce his transition at work? And if he is, why isn't he doing the same for his little girl?

There's some very alarming advice given to people questioning themselves and it's frightening how quick someone can go from posting a normal question, to ordering hormones online and starting physical transition as they e been told they must be trans, I mean this in the kindest way but if he's been looking up on feelings as part of his mental health issues and been suckered in by some of these people, I'd be worried him then exposing my child to these people as well.

It must be very confusing for her, is he allowing her to still call him Dad? She must have so many questions and it sounds like he hasn't given her a second thought and the fact that he's not doing the same with his work colleagues makes me wonder if it's because a child is easier to manipulate? I think you need some unbiased professional advice. Not to make her believe he can change sex but to see where you stand in taking steps to minimise her distress.

apologies for misunderstanding you ageingrunner. I don't think we actually disagree on what we are mostly annoyed about though- the OP being completely denied the opportunity to protect her child from something potentially harmful.

That's ok CityMole, yes I think we definitely agree on that

He is a selfish bastard, and a total hypocrite to dress as a man at work, but not with his daughter.

I have issue with the uncrital acceptance that this person (middle aged father with a daughter) is in fact a woman, and that's the source of his mental health problems

Has he ever put his daughter's needs before his own? Clearly not going by your first post, op. Selfish people never really change.
My late father's best friend who is 86 is in the process of dealing with his son changing into a woman, and the friend and his family are coping with it very well, but they are all adults in their 50s and 60s, your poor daughter is very young to cope with this.

It seems far more likely to me that because of his mental health problems, he is looking for a way to feel better and 'solve' himself, and he's latched into tg as an answer. It sadly means that he may not get and psychiatric help with this, because of the gender affirmative model of care that is being used now.

If gender was abolished and we could all behave as we wanted to and wear what we liked without worrying, I'm sure there would be no need for anyone to transition. It's sad

Yes the big issue is how he has failed to put DD's feelings first and consult me on how to very gradually help her accept this.

Also of course in my bones I know that this is just another phase he is going through and he has been married twice, fathered 3 children and has never ever spoke of gender dysphoria, confused sexuality or any other issues of this nature.

I suspect he is turned on by "forbidden" sexual encounters though - he had an affair with his first cousin who he has known since they were babies and this was encouraged by his mother who wanted him to leave me for her.

Some of the phrases he has used make me even more sure this is AGP not true transgenderism.

"I failed at being a man so I want to try being a woman"

"I want to know what it's like to have sex as a woman. I have previously left my body and entered the body of a woman having sex and I know I will like it"

"I feel much happier since I found these extraordinary and kind people to support me"

"I feel much happier since I found these extraordinary and kind people to support me"

Oh heck. It sounds a bit like cultish religions which target vulnerable people.

It's a rather shallow interpretation of womanhood isn't it? I feel sorry for him and you can see why some men get into it, especially if he feels like he's part of a group now. It doesn't really help your daughter though does it?