Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

bluestar Just offering you my support, I'm so sorry you and dd are going through this

In that case you should let DD do the test. The experts will keep DD calm. I can't imagine the devastation you're going through.

OP you sound amazing. Your DD couldn't ask for a better mum. Wishing you both strength x

Only just seen this thread and didn't want to read and run. You are doing brilliantly. I can't imagine the sheer mental and emotional torture this situation would bring. Sending strengthening thoughts to you and your daughter, bless her heart.

Sending you big hugs OP

Thank you so much for all the lovely replies, it really does mean a lot to me and makes me feel supported and not alone

I managed to get a telephone appointment with the GP today, who signed me off sick for another 2 weeks and also prescribed me some propranolol on top of the sertraline I'm on at the moment. I took my first one this afternoon and it made me feel comfortably numb, a bit like I'd had a glass or two of wine. Or at least took the edge off my anxiety.

I've been in a bit of a rage today. Raging against the cunt ex but also his girlfriend, his friends (of which he has many, he has a large friendship group, very sociable person) his family. I blame all of them. Possibly (more likely entirely) unfounded and unfair on my part but I just think anyone who sides with him must be a cunt too. I am angry at his family though, they have always been so snooty and standoffish towards me, real hyacynth bouquet/bucket types looking down their noses at me and my family despite the fact they are very much your average lower middle class family like we are. I've been thinking a lot about the trial, if it gets to that. I really hope it goes to trial. I want him to be found guilty and sent down for a long time.

We all do OP if he's done what your daughter says (I don't doubt your daughter) then he needs to be locked up for a long long time and preferably beaten on a daily basis....Sorry but I'm angered to the core!

I am so sorry bluestar but relieved that your dd felt able to tell you what was going on. Sending love and strength to you and your little girl.

you need to calm down.... and look at your daughter... and think about what she thinks about your reaction to this event..... your behaviour and response to this... will determine how she copes long term... your daughter who may have just been exposed to one of the worst experiences in her childhood if not her entire life... she needs calm... let the Agencies involved do what they need to do to prove a Case.... stay strong and positive.. do not let this destroy you or your baby girl x

For what it's worth my dd had a medical exam, noninvasive, where two female doctors looked at that area (for completely different reasons) and it was all fine, there was a sheet for modesty, and she was totally not bothered, so I'm sure they will handle that sensitively and your dd will be fine. She is so lucky to have you. I hope you sleep well tonight.

I wouldn't worry too much about your rage- it's a healthy response to violation and deceit. It will give you energy to get through this with your DD. Put some self care in place- yoga, counselling, massage, find a church if that is part of your world view. Look after yourself because this is going to be a marathon roller coaster and your DD needs you. Is there someone you can ask to look after you? To be to you what you are to DD? It sounds like your DM doesn't have that capacity at the moment. You need a few people who will sit and drink wine with you in the evening, tell you when to stop drinking wine, take you for a walk on a sunny day etc. Someone to help you regulate yourself as you are regulating DD.

Bluestar

I have been following your thread. My heart goes out to you and your little DD.

Please stay as strong as you can for her.

Do you think you could use a little help?

www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse/
Maybe give MIND a call.
They offer support for non abusive parents who have become aware of sexual abuse of their child/ren.

'Sexual abuse – support for non-abusive parents and carers of children who have been sexually abused -
Mosac

helpline: 0800 980 1958
enquiries*@mosac*.org.uk
mosac.org.uk

Mosac is a voluntary organisation supporting non-abusing parents and carers whose children have been sexually abused, providing support, advice, information and counselling following the discovery of sexual abuse.

Agreed you really need to look after yoruself here a lot. It's vital to the health of both your recovery process, lovely lady, mama bear mum.

picklemepopcorn has wise words

Had a pretty shaky week. I have constant thoughts about all that is going on. I'm thinking about a potential trial, about how stressful that would be, I'm thinking about it not going to trial due to lack of evidence and how disappointing that would be. I'm thinking about all the horrible things my ex and his friends and family will probably say about me - they will probably try and turn everything round to me. I'm worried about my DD and her problem with nightmares and scary thoughts. I've been signed off this week and today got rung by the school saying DD had been sick so had to pick her up. She is not allowed in tomorrow either because of the 48 hour rule. I know it sounds selfish but I'd rather not have her around. I have all this stuff in my head and I just need to rest and/or do things to take my mind off stuff. I had planned things to do the next few days and now I'm disappointed because I'm going to have stay in all day tomorrow looking after my DD who can be quite hard work sometimes.

I feel constantly on edge and sometimes this boils into what I can only describe as complete rage. I feel like the slightest annoyance could set me off. I'm on waiting lists for various counselling but the wait is around 4 to 6 months.

Oh Bluestar, hang on in there, you are being so brave. Are you entitled to any counselling through work or are there any abuse charities with counsellors or via the police contacts so you can speak to someone sooner? Try to write this next 48 hours off as just you and DD being together. Snuggles if she's up to it and quiet time, warm cosy house with bit of nice food when she is feeling better. Plan a nice bath and facepack etc for you when she's asleep. It's hard but try not to think about things you can't control, his family's attitude, possible trial outcomes etc and try to plan some little days out or treats you and DD can do at weekends etc. Book a massage of something for you as soon as you do get a minute. Thinking of you strong lady.

Hang in there OP

I have just read this thread from beginning to end. My heart goes out to you OP. You are a fantastic mum and have done all the right things. I would echo Wotshudwehave comments.

Can you and DD have a duvet day? Films, baths, pizza?

Hi Bluestar. How are you and your DD doing? Hopefully you will be able to get some support for yourself soon. In the meantime try to be kind to yourself. You've every right to be incandescent and that's hard to manage.

Sending hugs. We are thinking of you.

Not much in terms of new news. DD will be starting play therapy at school soon and also the police said the intermediary has been assigned and will do an assessment on DD's communication levels, understanding of time etc. This will probably also be next week at school.

I am back to work tomorrow. First time properly in a month. I managed 2 days a couple of weeks ago and then got signed off again. I have mixed feelings about work tomorrow, on the one hand I think it would be good to get back into the routine of normal life but on the other I feel emotionally shattered still so am also sort of dreading the stress of the school run etc. I spoke to my manager this week who confirmed that they will extend my contract which was a weight off my shoulders as I was worried about being out of a job (I am on a fixed term contract at the moment).

I've managed to have quite a productive day today, keeping busy. Done lots of chores and admin and coursework. Was feeling upbeat and smug about it but I seem to have come crashing down. My mood is now terrible and I am absolutely shattered. My mum didn't help, she came round for a cuppa earlier and managed to do my head in with her constant interrupting and talking over everyone.

You'll have good days and bad. I like to think of the slumps as 'conserving energy' days. No point flogging a dead horse, go with the flow. Catch up with jobs when you are up for it, rest when you are not.

bluestar. That's good news about the job. I'm sorry you're feeling up and down.

Bluestar, sorry if I have missed this but is your manager aware of the situation? If I was your manager, and you'd told me what was going on, I'd move heaven and earth to shift your duties to a non-stressful role that you felt comfortable with for now, and also to adjust your hours if needed.

I do think the routine at this point would probably do you good. If it was me, I'd be sitting in the house while DD was at school, getting more and more anxious and second-guessing everything that was going on. Being at work would be good for me as it would keep me focussed on something else, which sometimes can be a blessed relief.

You're not me though, so do what's right for you. You are being an absolutely amazing mum and advocate for your DD.

Bluestar I'm sorry I've missed this.

Thinking of you & your dd xo

Wow, you have done so, so well. This is every parent's hell and you are holding it together. Well done on getting your contract extended as well.

Have you spoken to your SW about therapy and support for you?