Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

You have had a bereavement, you, your dd, and even that fucking cunt ex are all different now (in your perception) due to the knowledge you now have.
You are grieving for what was and what you think might be now.

The truth has altered your life and your perception of the people in it.

You can never go back to the way you saw the world before ever again but that's a good thing because that was a lie and in that world your dd was unprotected

now you are in this new world with her you have the knowledge and power to help her and at the absolute very least she will never ever feel alone again her worst fear that when you (anyone) knew she wouldn't be loved didn't happen because you are next to her you know and you still adore her!

You and dd will be ok. Itl be a long road, there will probably be more hurt along the way and things cant be forgotten but then eventually the sun will come back up and you'll feel the warmth of life again together because she knows she has you even in the worst of things.

Have been off work again this week. Woke up vomiting yesterday morning and been very tired since, sleeping for most of yesterday and today. Not sure if it's a bug I've caught or the stress of everything has caught up with me. Feel like I just need to rest either way to regain my strength.

Spoke to the social worker today, she said that my ex had rung asking about access which she said was unlikely due to the ongoing police investigation. He would need to take it to Court and it is unlikely to be given to him under the circumstances. She also said that the police have suggested my DD undergo a medical examination, but this would be non compulsory and up to me and my DD to decide. The idea of her having to go through that makes my stomach turn.

The police rang also the other day, saying they will ring with an update by the end of the week. I'm hoping it will be tomorrow.

bluestar, been thinking of you and your daughter.

Keep eating well. It is a real effort when your world is upended in a terrible way, but eating well and drinking enough water does help keep your body strong enough and you need all your strength now. Listen to it; if it's saying it needs rest, then cut all the non-essential stuff out of your life so that there is less to take up energy.

Have you managed to get any sleeping aids from the doctor, if you can't sleep? Trazodon is good; non addictive and a gentler sleep aid than some.

It might help to get in touch with support organisations if you haven't already. Talking to other people who have had to go through this dreadful life-changing thing can be really supportive.

Wishing you and your daughter all strength

I agree you must rest and eat well. This is all so terrible it will take a huge toll on you both, and you need to look after yourself to look after your DD.
It is almost impossible to imagine how awful this must be and how intolerable it must feel.

Sending you and your DD so much love OP, you're doing so well

In the last two months two of my closest friends have been sexually assaulted and raped respectively - it has been truly the most horrific thing imaginable seeing them going through it, and they're grown adults. This happens way too often to too many women and girls

But your lovely LO and you will come through this, it will be a long long and hard journey but it will be ok.

You are amazing. Just read the whole thread and am just blown away by what a fantastic mum you are. You are the key to your daughter here. You can make her life great again. You believe her and you are doing everything you can to help and be there for her.
My bff had no such support and as an adult she is still amazing. The most generous kind woman I've ever met she was abused by her father too. From age 8 her mum worked and didn't see the abuse to her dad despite the same man hitting her and being verbally and emotionally abusive. Her mum is scatty and self centered so when her and hubby split, she left my friend with him. An use only stopped when my fiend was old enough to hit back and run out of the house and stay out. Mum still says ' it can't have been that bad, my friend is mid 50's now so she's had a hell of a long time of not being believed about what went on.
My point on the above thought though, is you are so there for your daughter. You are taking her away from more, stopping it. You will be, not that it feels like it now, survivors of this. You are bloody amazing.

Sorry for typos! Silly iPad. And clumsy fingers!

DD is back at school this week. Her sleep is still terrible, she complains of nightmares and is afraid to go to sleep. She won't go to sleep unless I'm in the bed next to her. We've been late for school every morning so far because she is so tired.

The social worker is trying to arrange a meeting with the head and DD's teacher for the 4 of us to discuss how best to support DD, hopefully we can find a suitable slot soon.

We had a nice Christmas, spent over a week at my parents house. It was nice getting away and being looked after by my Mum. Brother and sister in law stayed for a few days with their new baby which was a nice distraction for everyone.

I saw the GP again this week, I've been put on quite a high dose of ADs which I feel is starting to kick in. I definitely feel like the anxiety has been flattened but I also feel really lethargic and like everything takes a massive effort to do. I've been signed off until the end of this week. The GP said she would sign me off for longer if I wanted but I said I would actually quite like to go into work next week. I'm a bit worried about work as well because I'm on a fixed term contract which ends at the end of this month and I'm worried that HR will take one look at my attendance record and not extend it. My direct manager has been supportive about my situation but I think it might be out of her hands. So I'm now I'm also fretting about being out of a job by the end of the month.

DD has been quite low at times, sometimes she looks all glazed over and lost and sometimes she is really disobedient, rude and naughty which is not like her at all. She has always been such a good, well behaved girl. There has been such a big change in her. She still has moments where she is her usual self but it's horrible to see her clearly struggling.

Did a bit of facebooking the other day, and via some of ex's friends profiles I was able to ascertain that he and his partner are clearly still together. They live together, he's had his computer and phone etc taken off him and the flat searched, is it possible that she doesn't know what has happened? Or is it more likely that she knows but believes he is innocent?

You are doing so well Bluestar, in an incredibly difficult and distressing situation.
I would say there is every chance he has minimised it to his partner and she is being loyal to him at the moment. That may change but it may not. Try not to dwell on it. You and your dd are the important ones here.

I'm glad you had a nice Christmas.

I agree, try not to focus or figure out what is happening with your ex, just focus on you and your daughter.

I guess your DD acting out is to be expected, just take whatever help is offered to you.

💐💐💐

Not sure if anyone is up this time. I can't sleep, been fretting about everything all day. Am seriously considering asking my GP to prescribe me some valium for times when the anxiety sky rockets because at the moment I've been reaching for the wine which is not good in the long or short term.

The meeting arranged with the school has been cancelled because the social worker is off sick, which obviously is not her fault but I feel frustrated because I want my DD to start getting more support etc.

I spoke to the police yesterday who were able to give me an update. They have had a meeting with the CPS who have advised that they get an intermediary (child expert person) to guide them as to how to question my DD in the future. The CPS have also recommended that my DD has a medical examination, which the police initially said probably won't be necessary. It's a horrible thought that my little girl may have to have her privates looked at by a doctor.

I am so stressed out. I started work this week, having had over a month off sick. I thought it would do me good. However the 2 days I managed to work this week I was anxious, distracted, emotional, tired. I was supposed to go in today but I just couldn't face it so had to take the day off. I'm worried that I will lose my job because I have a fixed term contract which ends this month. It's another thing that I'm worried about. I'm also in a total financial pickle at the moment, with all the stress going on I've been really reckless with money and am now late with my rent which my landlord is getting impatient about.

It would be almost unheard of for a 5yo to lie or make up such a thing. Protect your child at all costs.

OP I really feel for you. The main thing is safe guarding your daughter. Is there anyone else she is close to and would talk to? I'd stop all contact with her father considering what she has said. You could consider going to the police. They have specially trained officers that can talk to children in a way they can relate to. If you don't want to proceed after speaking to them then you wouldn't have to. It would be led by you/your daughter.

I'm so sorry OP I didn't read the whole thread. I hope you are getting some sleep. Have you spoke to your gp about additional emotional support/counselling for yourself. You need to look after yourself and be strong for your daughter. You are doing all the right things. The police process can be very slow so you will definitely need lots of support. You doing a great job. I'd confide in a senior manager at work. They should be able to sort out some compassionate leave for you considering the circumstances.

Blue star at the moment you need to do everything for your daughter, I know work and rent and money is a worry but if you honestly cannot cope with work you cannot go. Can you get any help and the job center? Any emergency relief?
In regards to sleeping I would revisit the doctor and ask for something to help you sleep and also ask to be referred for counseling, it takes forever to get it so ask now.
In regards to money try to think about everything you spend, I know life is truly shit at the moment but you need to cut back and buy what's needed. Everyone over spends at Christmas but obviously you've taken your eye off the ball. Is there anyone that can help you to get back on track? Then start again and just be a bit more careful?
I've read this thread from the start op and I just have no words except that I'm thinking of you and your daughter.

Thanks for the replies. I've had absolutely no sleep tonight. I feel so angry at the world. I feel like I am losing my mind.

Gosh Bluestar. Just read this thread. Lots of support here for you, just keep posting. X

Definitely go to the doc and get something to help you sleep. Rest is so important at this horrendous time. I can't imagine how you are feeling but you've been so so brave, and your DD.

Hugs xx

Hopefully someone knowledgable will be along soon to tell you about the medical examination.

I'm sorry for what you are going through, I can't even begin to imagine, but please remember we are all thinking of you. You are stronger than you think you are.

I work in HR and the decision to extend a FTC is down to the manager.

To not extend because of your absence, given the circumstances would be extremely unfair.

You may need some sleeping pills, but valium is quite strong. See what your GP says anyway.

You're doing really great considering all this. The I suspect that what she has told them, is such that a medical examination could corroborate and also to see if she's got any internal damage. I think it's in her best interest, but see what the professionals think are the pros and cons, and then ask them exactly why they have suggested it, so you hear it directly from them.

I'm sure when they do the intimate exam they will make it as pain free as possible, they will know exactly how to distract your daughter and make it as 'normal' as possible, if it helps her case it will be worth it in the long run. As distressing as it sounds I'm sure they wouldn't ask unless it was really needed.

Bluestar I have read this entire thread, and I just wanted to add to the support you have here. I can't imagine what you must be going through. You are doing everything right though, and you will get through this.

The police and social worker have explained what the examination consists of. It is a non-invasive, non-penetrative procedure where the doctor examines the genital/anus area using a special type of lense thing. It stilll sounds pretty upsetting and awful.The police said that even if the result was a negative i.e. no injury has been found that doesn't necessarily mean that nothing has happened, apparently children can heal very quickly. But he said that the Court would question why it had not been done given the allegations.

You have to do it Bluestar, it really is necessary, maybe after take your daughter somewhere nice, even to a coffee shop for a cake and a smoothie. Just something for you both so the day isn't all about such horribleness. She sounds like a terrific little girl. She's so brave to tell you everything. Hopefully you will both be best friends for life and she'll know she can relay on you for everything and you will always be her protector. You ex partner is the biggest c*#t to man and deserves the book thrown at him. I hope you have good friends to talk too and confide in. Sending my love Op.

Just to say thinking of you both