Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

[bluestardressinggown]

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

You can see that I'm a bit ropey as I meant to say 'I'm so sorry that happened to you myoriginal3 ' I'm sorry this has happened to me and my DD too of course....

My heart goes out to you, OP, that must have been horrific to listen to

Oh OP, I'm so sorry for you. That must have been so hard to hear. I'm glad your DD is opening up to you though. It takes an immense amount of courage for a child to do that, believe me and will eventually help in her healing if she's not holding stuff back because she's too frightened to disclose

It sounds as though your DD feels relief that she can tell you everything. It surely will help her that she has been able to do this. It must be terrible for you. I hope you can do some nice things for yourself and do little things to give yourself care throughout the day.

Absolutely shattered today. Despite being really exhausted I couldn't get to sleep last night (little one refused to go down until about 10pm). I think the emotions are taking its toll on me. I ended up having a meltdown yesterday. I was in a complete rage last night, doing this sort of shouting under my breath/whisper shouting (I didn't want to shout around my DD). I was also quite snappy with her which I feel really bad about because of course she is having a terrible time at the moment too. I kept cuddling her and telling her I'm sorry, and that I'm not angry at her I'm just really upset at the moment. I ended up on the sofa until about 3am proper sobbing my eyes out, I've cried before but this was proper sobbing. I feel like I'm going through grief.

I am so angry at my ex. He has completely abused the trust that everyone had given him. I hate him for what he did to my DD, that he has made her lose her sparkle and made her scared of the dark. It's heartbreaking that the reason she can't go to sleep at night, and why she looks so lost and pale sometimes is because she is thinking about all the things she has told me he did to her. I hate him for the long term damage he's done to her. I hate him for putting me and my parents and brother through, we are all so shocked, upset and devastated. It's all down to us know to pick up the pieces. I told the social worker that I never want him to see my DD again and she said that she will fully support me through that. I'm worried that the police will not have enough evidence and that the case will not go to court etc.

Oh Bluestar I cannot imagine what you are going through, but wanted to tell you that am thinking of you and your DD and send you strength and good wishes to deal with all of this. Because of you your DD is now safe, don't loose sight of that. As you say it's a long road, how you feel about your ex is completely understandable and I am sure that the police and ss will do all they can to bring him to justice and help you to channel your anger. Could you go somewhere to scream and yell out loud at the top of your voice or to punch something or run and jump to loud music until you drop? Right now you and DD are the most important and I hope that you can find some brightness and lighthearted moments together to distract you both for a while as you walk in this nightmare.

I work in the criminal justice system so have some idea of the process you are going through, but no personal experience. I am so sorry for you and your DD.

I wonder if you can decide on your own head a day this week when you are going to try and put it all aside for the day. Try and have an awesome day- so a trip to saNta maybe and out for a hot chocolate and a walk to look at the Christmas trees in the window and then home to watch a Christmas film snuggled under a blanket.

I know it sounds trivial and flippant, but I think sometimes a few hours with your children just letting go and doing some things you might not normally allow (cake whilst out, pizza in front of the tv, splashing in puddles without wellies) can just be enough to lift both of you. And a few hours of feeling relaxed and calm like that can make you feel good for days.

You have done everything right- you listened and acted. She knows she can trust you. You will both get through this together.

Believe her. Please.

Emma. Please read the full thread.

You are doing brilliantly. She is disclosing more because she knows you believe her and will protect her.

Id kill him, we'll I wouldn't,but I'd certainly feel like it.

Can you try to see how wonderful it is that your Dd trusted you to tell you. She just knew.

Argh. Stupid phone keeps crashing.

Re grief. That's exactly what you're experiencing.

BUT.

Your Dd has not lost everything. In fact, she has gained confidence that there are people who will protect her from the worst.

You have done everything brilliantly.

Again, I don't know how the experts are advising you to communicate with her?

Please get guidance from them as to how much you can let her know that you are angry at the cunt, while balancing out not compromising anything.

I suspect they advise to remain neutral but it may be beneficial to her to tell her that the law will deal with him or something.

PLEASE ASK AN EXPERT BEFORE TAKING ANY ADVICE FROM ME HOWEVER.

Chesterton wrote, "Fairy tales do not tell children dragons exist. Children already know the dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed."

I have read the thread now and apologise for commenting before doing so.

As an abused child who was NEVER believed, it was an immediate response.

Oh emma that is terrible. That you were not believed i mean. So sorry that the adults around you let you down. It wasnt right or fair . Sending a hug xx

I was told I was disgusting for saying such things about my father's brother. He doesn't deserve the title uncle. I was 8.

I have a very short fuse at the moment. Went into town, did a bit of Christmas shopping then met a friend. We decided to share a taxi back home (we live really near by) and when I was in the cab I got a call regarding DD. My friend had been chatting inane bollocks with the taxi driver when we had got in and moments after I answered they started again to the point that I couldn't hear what was being said. So I very loudly said to the person on the phone that I couldn't hear what they were saying and could I or they call me back in 10 mins by which time I should be back home. This has really annoyed me. Perhaps I'm being over sensitive but I'm annoyed that my friend, who knows everything that is going on, should have just shut the fuck up. I've been stewing about it ever since. My DD has had an absolutely terrible night again, not going down to sleep until quite recently. The same friend was sending me stupid messages on whatsapp - not even messages just fucking random emojis which was keeping my DD awake as I was in the room with her and want my phone near me in case I have any important calls.

I'm on edge constantly. I've had the week off work and am back in next week but am worried that the slightest irritation will send me into complete meltdown.

Are there anyone on here that know what the chances are of my ex being charged or this case going to Court /conviction etc if the police do not find any forensic evidence. They have taken his phone and laptop and have searched his property but if they cannot find anything would my DD's accounts be enough?

I don't know the answer to that op, but bumping for you in case someone with some experience of it is about this morning.

Your friend sounds like she was being a bit insensitive in the taxi but was probably sending you the emojis to try to cheer you up and let you know she was thinking of you, even if it did backfire.

Re your work, do you think you need more time off? If so, please ask for it. This is just as emotionally crippling as a bereavement if not more so as it's ongoing, and most people would take more than a week for something this damaging. If the thought of not having to deal with work is a relief, then please either ask your GP to sign you off or ask your work. I am sure a GP would also consider giving you a prescription for some kind of anti depressant or something such as sleeping pills to help you. Tell them that you are drinking more and ask them if they can help - they will help.

That sounds like I think the drinking is the main problem - I don't! I mean it's evidence that you are looking for ways to cope and they will be able to prescribe something more suitable that doesn't leave you hungover afterwards. They can also help you get counselling, it will be really helpful for you to talk to someone who won't find your rage distressing and who can advise you on strategies for coping with it. You're going to need help and your GP is the first step in getting that help. Tell them what's happened and that you are finding it very hard to keep calm in front of your child and with well-meaning people, tell them you are stressed about going back to work, and they'll do the rest. Oh, and ask for an emergency appointment to do this, it is an emergency and you can't wait three weeks for a scheduled appointment. If you have to talk to a doctor by phone then that would work too.

Blue.

I can't really help much with your last question but can tell you a little of my own case.

Perpetrator, close family friend (uncle figure)

Long term regular abuse for at least 4 years although probably longer as there are gaps in my early memories so I was probably younger than I remember.

There was no physical evidence even though a medical examination was done as I disclosed as a teen a few years after but I was able to say where his porn video tapes were kept so that may have "proved" things.

I disclosed and the case went to court 6 months later.
By then he had changed his plea to guilty he was given 9 years. He appealed and it was dropped to 7 years. He served 5 years in total.

He has since been convicted a further two times for possession of pictures.

I wanted to say your dd is going through an awful time but she's lucky because she has 2 things on her side.

1st she's very young so hopefully in the years to come with the right help she will be able to recover to the point where she is not affected in her adulthood to a massive degree.

2nd and most importantly she has you! Your doing brilliantly! A lot of us didn't have a great parent to help us through the after effects of what happened to us. You just keep being the great mum you are!

I hope Iv not upset you, I just thought an outline of real events might help.

If you want my post taken down you can revert it ok.

I will add though and you already know you need to cut down on the drinking.

It's a depressive and the last thing you need on top of the emotions you have is a depressive substance magnifying these emotions.

for you and dd.

I feel for you I really do I can't imagine what you and your baby are going through I just wanted to say stay strong and keep being the lovely mummy your little one needs. Don't be afraid to be upset and tell people in RL how you are feeling. I hope you can try to put what's happening behind you for Christmas and your little one is able to enjoy all the magic of this time of year.

Dear Op . I am pleased you have received some good advice on this thread and you have been amazing and mother to be proud of . I think it's very telling that since this was disclosed your DD has been going to bed easier - that's says a lot

You are going through the worst thing ever right now so please be kind to yourself - all your focus is on your DD but you must looms after yourself too - get a GP appt this is an emergency and get some support (pills if needs be) to support you as god knows no one. Am blame you for turning to drink and you have been so honest .

I wish your DD healing and the best support to get her though this

And I wish you strength and please be kind to yourself

I hope he is jailed the fucker and I hope not in a protected wing either he doesn't know what's going to hit him

Another voice sending their strength your way xxxx

Also maybe move this thread if you want to keep talking but keep it down xx

My DD went to her grandparents yesterday afternoon, to give me a bit of a break. I made myself a nice meal and washed it down with a bottle of Shloer and had an early night. A friend popped round in the evening for a quick chat and gave me a back massage, so felt really chilled and relaxed. Managed to have an early night.

Woke up today feeling more rested but really emotional. Burst into tears on the sofa, proper sobbing again. I am going to ring work tomorrow and speak to my manager about the fact that I'm finding things very emotionally difficult at the moment and see if they agree for me taking this week off too. The week before Christmas is pretty quiet so hopefully they will let me.

I've got various things lined up today to keep me busy but not in a stressy way. I need to wrap my presents, now that I've taken everything out of my cupboard I can see that I've once again bought an obscene amount for my DD. I also still need to get a couple more presents for other people so will pop into town at some point. I'm going to do some work towards a course I'm doing at the moment (which has completely taken a back burner the last 2 months since this all started) and do a bit of music practice.

I just can't stop crying this morning. I've said it before, but it feels like someone really close to me has died. Perhaps a piece of me and my DD has and that is why it feels like bereavement.

I'd also just like to say thank you to all the supportive and lovely messages I've received on here. I have found it really helpful to write down my feelings and get so much support from everyone xxx