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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone have any experience of their young child making abuse claim against their own father?

347 replies

bluestardressinggown · 24/11/2016 00:14

I split with my ex when I found out I was pregnant, so 5 years ago. He has always been a part of our DD's life, and although I find him to be passive aggressive, arrogant towards me at times I have never had any major concerns regarding his care over our child.

My DD blurted out a couple of weeks ago that her Dad had touched her privates. She went into quite a lot of detail on her own accord, only to then say she made it all up. Since then she has said again on numerous occasions that he did do it and gave a whole load of very graphic descriptions and 'played' out what he did when she said she didn't have the words. She has been toing and froing between stating that he has been doing this and that he hasn't.

I rang social services and they are investigating. They interviewed my DD but she said nothing to them. They are now deciding whether to pursue the investigation. I've only just been allowed to tell my ex that they are involved and that they told me that I can't tell him the reason. His response was that it is nothing that he could have done and he is happy for anyone to speak to him/his partner.

I've been through hell since she told me, I can't sleep or eat. I feel devastated, confused. I just don't know what to think. I honestly don't know if it is true, or if she has just somehow got her thoughts muddled up. I'm off work at the moment due to the stress of everything. I'm scared about how things are going to proceed with SS and what the long term effects of all this will be on her and also, if it is deemed untrue etc what life will be like dealing with her Dad.

I am lucky that I have a small handful of people in RL I can talk openly about this, but it's just so bloody difficult. I never thought in my wildest nightmares that something like this would happen in our lives.

Sorry if I'm posting in the wrong place, didn't really know where else to go

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 21:29

In my case though the bastard is held on remand.

I can honestly say that what happened your little baby is my worst fear.

Hold on dearly to the fact that the little mite told you. That makes you mum of the year and her brave baby of the year.

While the investigation is on going you will still be able to shower her with love.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 21:35

And drinking is understandable right now. Go easy on it but don't beat yourself up about it. Smile

klassykringle · 08/12/2016 21:38

Flowers have you told your mum about it all?

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 21:58

Btw are ss doing anything to support you particularly? I don't know how things work in children's cases but there was a lovely police officer who posted on this thread (London?)
They might be the best person to pm in case they are not still reading.
I feel 0.0000000001% of your confusion as I am torn between replying and bumping thread and saying the completely wrong thing or saying nothing.

Original poster
bluestardressinggown · 08/12/2016 22:08

So sorry to hear that that has happened to you myoriginal3 I'm glad to hear that you are getting the support you need.

My mum knew that the police were going to arrest my ex today and that I had had the phonecall. I told her later, just before she left to confirm that they had rung to say this.

OP posts:
klassykringle · 08/12/2016 22:13

Ok - if she knows the reason, then she'll probably know why you're stressed and venting.

There's also probably a bit of you that doesn't want to leave your daughter with anyone ever again, no matter how they're related, which might put you unconsciously on edge.

Try to keep taking it easy on yourself inside. Every reaction is normal and you are doing the very best you can. This is one of the worst situations a parent can face, and you're doing really well. Your little girl is lucky to have you Flowers

Arsenicinthesugarbowl · 08/12/2016 22:16

It sounds so utterly shit for you both. The positive is that your DD told you what was going on and it will never happen again. You're bound to be a whirling mass of different emotions. Be kind to yourself OP and gather good people round you and DD. Flowers
I hope you are getting tons of RL support.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 22:19

Jesus don't be sorry for me!

Your mum no more than yourself is probably beside herself too. You're her little baby girl and your Dd is her much loved grandchild. She has no more idea what to do than anyone. But the one thing you can do with your mum is have a meltdown.

And I get that there are probably a lot of ugly images in your mind. Your little one trusted you enough to tell you. Trust your mum enough to tell her what is going on for you.
And I'm so sorry if I'm making a right mess in my efforts to support.

Iamdobby63 · 08/12/2016 22:36

I can't imagine what you are going through, you are a wonderful Mum and have handled this awful situation so well.

💐💐💐

Katiekins86 · 08/12/2016 22:38

I was abused when younger. My mom actually asked me to tell her if i was ever touched 'down there' after it all started. I had been told by my uncle not to tell anyone. I thought it was a test so said nothing. How awful in hindsight. So it continued until I was on holiday and away from the situation then I opened up. Can you remove her from the situation and take a Christmas break somewhere? Xx much love

Katiekins86 · 08/12/2016 22:44

I just read the rest of the thread, sorry I'd commented before completely finishing it. Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly and as everyone else has said you've done a marvellous job.

myoriginal3 · 08/12/2016 22:45

And if you would prefer to disclose your thoughts to a police officer, they are brilliant in my experience. They don't flinch at grotesque detail. They just listen. I'd prefer a police officer to a counsellor any day.

And ranting at your mum like a two year old will be nothing new to her. She had you at two, four, fifteen etc.

VodkaLimeSoda27 · 08/12/2016 22:46

It cannot be overstated how much you are having to deal with right now, OP. Things like a messy house can seem like they are sent to try you. All I would say is prioritise - do what you need to to get yourself and your DD through each day. Whatever is ahead will be draining; save your strength and leave the mess for another day in future if you can. Take time for you to sit down, talk with those who love you and reflect on the fact your DD trusted you enough to tell you what has happened to her Flowers Brew

Original poster
bluestardressinggown · 09/12/2016 09:37

I think the messy house thing was the straw that broke the camel's back tbh. I'm usually quite house proud and I was upset that I had let it slide. I want to be as 'business as usual' for my DD, giving her a nice homely home is important to me.

I woke up this morning feeling stressed and snappy. I'm also ruminating and stewing about my mum's behaviour last night. I might be being unreasonable due to the stress but I feel disappointed by her behaviour. She knows absolutely everything that is going on, knew that I was expecting a call that evening from the police who going to confirm whether they had arrested my ex. She asked me before I blew my gasket if it had been them that had rang when I had had to leave the room earlier. to answer and I said that it had been. She didn't ask me what they had said, was I alright, be reassuring or anything like that. She just put her shoes and coat on. I feel a bit rejected by it, like she can't tolerate my strong emotions, like she doesn't really care. She has always been a bit like that, not tolerating my emotions. I'm the sort of person who would ask what had happened or ask if there was anything that I could do. Anyway I might be a bit unreasonable but that is how I feel.

OP posts:
Boomerwang · 09/12/2016 10:17

She doesn't know how to deal with it or how to help. My mother is always putting her foot in it and she knows this, so she backs off and doesn't speak when something is really upsetting me. It looks like she wants to distance herself but really she's dying to say the right thing and is scared of saying her usual backasswards stuff that she really doesn't mean.

Tell her what you want from her and let her provide it. Some people function much better when given a specific task. Right now she's afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing and making you feel worse.

Newbrummie · 09/12/2016 11:01

There's no way a 5 year old has made that up. My 6 year old sometimes sees things I don't want him to like gossip girl and will react by snogging a pillow but nothing actually sexual because it's just not aired on normal TV is it? She's been exposed to something and don't let anyone fob you off.

Original poster
bluestardressinggown · 13/12/2016 12:48

A police officer came round a couple of days ago to the take a witness statement from me. He was a nice chap, easy to talk to and everything but the whole thing was so stressful for me, having to rely everything once again to someone was very difficult and painful for me.

I ended up drinking A LOT of wine over the course of the weekend. Like I've said previously this is out of character for me, as have never been a big drinker and the amount I drank may not be that much to a lot of other people, but it was still quite a lot for me. I am determined not to drink anymore for a while, as it is not helping in the long run.

I'm on annual leave this week. My work has been extremely supportive through this, which I'm very grateful for. I have several colleagues and my line manager who I have been able to speak in confidence to about all of this.

I seem to be going through a phase of feeling complete rage. It is not just directed at my DD's dad, but also his family and pretty much the world. I'm worried that the slightest annoyance might tip me over the edge and I'll start screaming and shouting at someone. Again, very out of character for me, as I'm usually pretty chilled and not a shouty, aggressive type at all. I have booked an appointment to see the GP on Thursday, and will explain the situation to them and ask for what they might recommend.

OP posts:
myoriginal3 · 13/12/2016 13:09

Anger is normal. Have you received any advice on what your dd should know about the extent,of the anger?

I was raped on 15 September. Dp can't handle me crying etc. He wants to kill him (bastard is on remand until trial in March).

I find it hard to not be allowed to talk about it.

I'm clearly an adult though. Are ss or police giving YOU any guidance?

myoriginal3 · 13/12/2016 13:14

And how is your little one doing?

myoriginal3 · 13/12/2016 13:23

Btw those questions are because I don't know whether how they deal with abuse of a child as opposed to an adult.
For me, it's hugely important to me that someone acknowledged what happened.
The advice for a child may be different.

As a separate issue, you as her mum will need support too.

I would find it hard not to shoot the cunt.

amusedbush · 13/12/2016 15:47

God, what an awful situation, no wonder you don't know which way is up right now Sad

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 13/12/2016 15:48

From what I understand about these things, OP, anger is a much healthier response than self-blame which many completely innocent people feel when someone they love has been abused. You have a right to be angry. Just make sure you don't direct it at bystanders.

You're doing an amazing job. I don't know if I could be so strong. Star

Violetcharlotte · 13/12/2016 16:07

Hello OP, I've just read through this thread for the first time and just wanted to say how sorry I am. I can only imagine how truly horrendous this must be for you and your little girl. You've been amazingly strong and the fact you daughter felt she could tell you what was happening shows what a fantastic Mum you must be. (flowers)

KindDogsTail · 13/12/2016 16:42

Bluestar, as others have said it really is not surprising you are angry, and you have every right to be. I am so so sorry for your little girl, and for this hell you are going through. You have been wonderful to have listened to your little girl, and so brave in acting to protect her.

myoriginal I am so sorry, and sorry he is out there and you have to wait for the trial.

Original poster
bluestardressinggown · 15/12/2016 13:42

I'm so sorry that has happened to you bluestar I hope you are getting all the support you need at this difficult time. I think sexual abuse is the worst kind of crime, no matter how old you are it doesn't make it any easier.

I had to ring the police and social worker yesterday, as my DD had started talking again about her Dad the night before. She raised it completely by herself. She went over the same things as before but this time gave a lot more very specific and graphic detail. It was horrific to listen to, I wrote it all down immediately after she told me so that I wouldn't miss anything out as I knew that I would have to relay this to the authorities. Repeating it out loud over the phone was awful. I felt absolutely dreadful.

Had my work do last night. Was not in a party mood at all, but my mum encouraged me to go and to try and have fun (she stayed over and looked after my DD which was all arranged ages ago) . I ended up getting absolutely bollocksed. No more than my work mates, and not as much as some other people there. I feel really ropey today but feel like I needed a complete blowout. I don't think I embarrassed myself there or anything, but all this alcohol that I 've been drinking these last weeks is so out of character, and it is starting to take it's toll on my skin, mood and general wellbeing. I know I said it the other day, but I will keep off it for now as it is not helping.

OP posts: