Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[kittybiscuits]

It's not a win. I understand it will feel like that for you. He is doing exactly what he wants to do and there is literally no point challenging him. I am so sorry for you and your DC, but you will all get over this in time. He is a massive narcissistic prick. Is there anyone who can support you today? Do the DC know this is going to happen?

[kittybiscuits]

Absolutely - suits him perfectly. Just shit for you and your DCs x

[underitoveritthroughit]

Apparently they asked to meet her.
But he is so manipulative. And they are so little.
This is not a decision for them. Otherwise what fucking use are parents? Just let the little people do what they want. To hell with the consequences

[ohdearme1958]

Look. The the thing with these people is that they will never admit they are wrong or they've done wrong so they go out of there way to prove they are right - this is his way of proving that.

Do what you have to do to get the kids out the door unaware of your upset then cry and shout etc as much as you like.

And please don't ever beg him again because this introduction is also about you managing way better than you should be considering you don't have him anymore. How dare you.

Xxxxx

[kittybiscuits]

'Daddy's frIend would really love to meet you. Would you like that?' Er...awkward...OK. 'The children asked to meet her'. It was always going to be a difficult day. You will get through it x

[underitoveritthroughit]

I've asked him to postpone and go to a mediator to discuss it.
It's so unfair that he is taking huge decisions from me and just expecting me to bow down.
This is payback for my weekend away and Christmas.

[kittybiscuits]

Then you've done what you can do. He will be massively affronted that you can get on with life without him.

[UptheAnty]

Onit
He's punishing you, he's been upset that you are where you are. This is to hurt you & keep you in line.
Please don't fall for it.
Keep your head up & deal with your D.C. Best you can. They will be fine. It had to happen sometime right?
It's not what you would do but we've already established that you are a significantly better person and parent than he is.

Your D.C. Will be FINE.

FUCK FUCK FUCK him.

Don't let him pull you back down- that's what he's trying to do.

[underitoveritthroughit]

I know.
I just don't have the strength today.

[underitoveritthroughit]

I want someone to tell him. Why won't he listen? HOW can he truly believe this is best for the DC?
I've asked him to explain this to me.

[underitoveritthroughit]

And now the bullying.
If I am prepared to give him more contact he will postpone the meeting today.
I have restrained myself from calling him a bully.

I can't do this much longer. I'm going to crumble

[MintChocChips]

What an absolute arse. I would be getting tough back. Tell him to do what he wants. If the kids come back upset though and don't want to see him or speak on the phone, you will not force them to or encourage them to.
If they need some time to process it, he won't be seeing them. Stop playing fair with this bastard.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Hi Onit, I've lurked on yout thread but not commented before.

You won't crumble because you're not going to let that cunt dictate and bully you, he wants you to crumble to get his own way.

Don't let him.

[underitoveritthroughit]

Im so upset for my poor kids.
He fucking pocket dialled me. Putting them all in the car to go to meet his family for lunch.
I'm sure it wasn't an accident. He obviously knows I'm in bits.
But I got to talk to my DC. And I was upbeat and breezy and calm.

I'm going to call relate tomorrow regarding mediation. But I'll speak to my counsellor first.
I'm not sure mediation is a good idea because he will manipulate the poor soul who's in the middle of us.

I'm going to make a GP appointment tomorrow. I want my issues with him and the effect on my mental health documented.
I want the ptsd on record and, though I've tried to sidestep drugs I think if he's going to keep chucking these things at me I need a little help. The panic is not good and I've too much on my plate to lose all this time wading through his crap.
I feel like I'm back at square one.
CUNT!

[UptheAnty]

Do NOT give him more contact as a result of blackmail. He will get what he wants and it will just reinforce his behaviour. It will NEVER stop if you allow him to use the kids it will be his go to place.
There is nothing you can do.
You cannot control what he does and what he says to and with the D.C.
You've told him how you feel that you believe it's wrong...but it's his choice.
Did he bully you in txt email? If so I would be keeping that...if it was in a phone convo - why are you engaging in phone convo with him at this point?

You're hurting yourselves by opening that door. He's not your friend, you cannot appeal to him or reason with him. You are pissing in the wind.

[UptheAnty]

Yy to the dr's - this is stressful time for you and it would be good to give yourself a break especially as it seems the count is tightening the screws now...
Really showing who he is isn't he?

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

Look how far you've come.

Your own house with your children, a social life with friends and the knowledge that you no longer have to live and obey an arrogant twat who thinks he can still tell you what to to do.

You are strong and not back to square one, come on kid!

[kittybiscuits]

'Stop playing fair with this bastard' - 100% agree. I have been the recipient of the 'accidental' butt-dial. Pathetic. 'I was trying to appeal to any conscience you may have for you not to put the children in this position. Please do not respond with blackmail'. You will get through this. Sorry you have to.

[underitoveritthroughit]

All convos by text this morning.
I have the evidence of his intimidation tactics.
I've said I'll go to mediation. I have not agreed, and will not agree, to extra contact.

I don't want my DC hurt. By asking him to postpone this meeting I am doing the arsehole a favour. It could totally blow up in his face. If I didn't care I would let him bash on.
I'd like to see how he would handle my ds telling her she's not his mummy or my Dd having a temper tantrum.
He never thinks of the consequences. Totally blind to anything which might get in his way. Including his dcs feelings and wellbeing.

[annielouise]

Blatant blackmail and by text too as if he's invincible! Arrogant arse.

Is now the time to use that card up your sleeve about the messages between him and her that you uncovered - was it to do with leaving your kids alone so he could go and meet her? Or the time your DS was in hospital?

At least if he'd told you this beforehand you could have prepared them. I really feel for you. Your time will come though. You will meet someone else and see then how he likes it all. I'd tell his parents frankly what a cunt he is. You're supposed to be parenting together!

[MrsPeelyWally]

I've said I'll go to mediation. I have not agreed, and will not agree, to extra contact

You see, even when you are on your knees you still manage to come up trumps.

Please find the strength to say to him - let her meet them and be damned.

[underitoveritthroughit]

Mediation has a 4 week waiting list after an initial appointment.

Obviously he doesn't know that.
I'm certain she'll be introduced 'accidentally' when he realises it won't get resolved before Christmas.
It's another sign of his entitled attitude that he assumes he will get his way as soon as he clicks his fingers.

I won't be phoning mediators till after I speak to my counsellor. I'm not even sure she'd advice me sitting in a room with him given his personality disorder and the effect he has on me.

I literally can't look at him. I am scared of him and the way he can twist things. It's why I like writing it down and probably why he always wants to meet face to face.

[MsPavlichenko]

Sorry you are having such a hellish day. He's an arsehole.

All the posters are right. This is him up the ante to get you back into line. It is that relationship dynamic again. He is attempting to control you as usual, and punish you for getting on with your life so brilliantly.

Easy to say but resolve NOT to engage with him like this again. He has, and will continue to do what he wants anyhow. He has no intention of seriously engaging with you re this or anything else, and you're right mediation will be pointless. He'll introduce her when he wants.

And although you can't bear the thought of it, you'll cope, and so will the DC. It won't ruin their lives forever, you'll see to that. In the longer term it may well add to the poor opinion they'll have of their DF but sadly nothing you can do about that! In some ways when she does finally appear it will be a relief for you, one less thin to worry about, and one less area of control for him.

You will get through this. You will feel better. You are all going to be better without his toxicity in your house. And when your DC tell you he is marrying OW/some other poor soul you'll smile and say "That's nice". And not give a fuck!

[TwirlyFoo]

I'm so sorry you are having such a shitty day. You have been so fair all along and he is acting like a spoilt child. Definitely go to your doctors, having to take medication is not a sign of weakness. Your body is telling you that you have been so strong for so long that now is time to supplement your strength. You will get through this

[Mix56]

onit, Has he done it ? I would have refused his contact today. I would have said, if you are going to throw this massive pile of shit deal at them, do not think you can do it on a Sunday when they have to take it all in & go to school on Monday, & I get to pick up the pieces.
He does not get to do this.
What a total head fuck