Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Checking in.
Life is a little quiet.
Am I going to spend the rest of my life on tenterhooks waiting for the next text or email?
I batted away a text on Tuesday which was a badly disguised criticism of my parenting. An invitation to another argument in the same vein as previously.
I replied with a one word answer and that was that.

He's now trying to confirm Christmas contact. I actually don't have any major issues with his proposals and will agree to all but a couple of changes. But I can't be arsed with the fallout from the few hours I want to change. He'll see it as me being obstructive.
How do I word it so he can't jump down my throat?
When will he see that the default position is DC with me? That I decide where and when they go.
My lawyer described it as him issuing a request for me to grant or deny as I see fit. Why am I still trying to appease him in my head?
I am literally trying to decide how much I can "get away with" denying him
I don't want to spend anytime away from my DC and certainly not for half the Christmas holidays. Why do I feel obliged to?
I think my DC should see their dad but it bothers me that he feels entitled to half their holiday.
Then it bothers me that I feel entitled to more than half iyswim and even more.
Aaarrggghhh, my brain hurts!!!

[MsPavlichenko]

You feel like this because the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship continues even though you are no longer living together. It takes a long time to break away. You've been used to putting him first, and so has he.

You are doing the right thing by putting what is best for DC and then you (their main carer) first, especially this year. They are entitled to see their Dad, he is not entitle to "half " of their time. Whatever you do he will come back to complain/ask for more as he is clearly selfish and entitled, if not controlling. The more you disengage the easier it will get, and probably the happier you and DC will be. You can move forward arranging contact that suits them best.

He chose this situation, he cannot expect it all to be the same. Consequences and all that, for him as well as you.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

That is it EXACTLY, MsPavlichenko!!
"the unhealthy dynamic of the relationship continues"
And the only difference is I can see it, now that I no longer love or respect him.
He is controlling and abusive. He always was but I wasn't aware of it till very recently.
Me and my DC are most definitely suffering the consequences of his actions and I still don't understand why he thinks he should be immune. It honestly perplexes me

Well, fuck him! I've got the email reply written waiting to send in the morning. I have agreed to all but 2 days of his proposal which will throw up a shitstorm I'm sure but I did say it was a bit quiet

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Also, thank you for pointing out that it's the dcs entitlement to see their dad (and me) and not his (or my) entitlement to see them. A distinction worth remembering.

I am grateful everyday to have these wonderful, kind, happy, loving, annoying people in my life.
I feel guilty for all the (few) days I spent apart from them before the end of my marriage.

I just read an article which was a list of 40 signs you're being abused by a narcissist.
I ticked at least 35 of them.
I'm scared when I send my DC to him. His behaviour is manipulative at best and toxic at worst.
I worry about my babies

[MrsPeelyWally]

I just read an article which was a list of 40 signs you're being abused by a narcissist. I ticked at least 35 of them. I'm scared when I send my DC to him. His behaviour is manipulative at best and toxic at worst. I worry about my babies sad

It was obvious to those who had an eye for it that this was the case and its a positive move forward that you really are aware of it now. My husband is a sociopath, perhaps even a psychopath according to one person I saw professionally, and it is bloody scary having them in your life once you've stripped away their veneer and you know exactly what you're dealing with. However, knowledge is power, and you can now use the knowledge to work out how to handle him and minimise any damage/pain he could perhaps cause to the children long term by being in their life.

You really are doing great.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

"I just read an article which was a list of 40 signs you're being abused by a narcissist."

Onit can you post a link to the above please?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

pin.it/FAWyHIO
It's a Pinterest pin so not sure it'll work.

I sent my email this morning and the palpitations have started (my counsellor has suggested I have symptoms of PTSD) as he responds with demands for 50/50 in the holidays "as previously agreed"

I've also clarified with my solicitor that the last letter was sent to him.
In that letter I agreed to a slightly lower monthly maintenance payment but it has been paid this month at the higher amount.
And the arguing over contact reads like he has not seen my response to his custody demands from his last lawyers letter.

[myfriendnoel]

I am having similar discussions with my ex now who, after blocking the girls and I going to my mums for Christmas, inviting himself to sleep in my house on Christmas eve and Christmas Day night, and blocking us from going to my mums on Boxing Day night (also DD's birthday) then asked yesterday if he could have the dc's on Boxing Day night.
I said no, as I felt I had agreed to enough of what he wanted, and because it wasn't practical-we will
Need to leave early to finally get to my mums on the 27th. I was then called a bitch. I reminded him that he's in my house by invitation and could and would be asked to leave if he did that again. He then stormed out.
All of this because he hadn't immediately got his own way.
He finds it very surprising when I don't agree with what he wants it seems and reacts with anger every time. It's really made me think back on my marriage and realise that I had fallen into a pattern of always agreeing with what he wanted-it was so unhealthy.
Yours sounds similar onit-and even with all the rubbish you are having to wade through now because of the choice he made, and as much as you didn't want this, doesn't it feel that much better not to have him in your head all the time telling you what to do?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I don't know how you can have him in your home nigel but yes, i am looking forward to him not being in my head. Unfortunately I haven't got there yet as his is the voice in my head criticising me and every decision. Even those that don't directly affect him.
I'm hopeful my therapist will help to silence that or at the very least change it to someone friendlier.

I asked my lawyer today what I should do in the event LCB doesn't return the DC when expected. That's how frightened I am of his reaction despite the fact it's a remote possibility.

[MrsDilligaf]

That Pintrest link is scary...its awful to read and agree with the points raised.

My ex was most definitely a narcissistic bastard. It took a while for me to come to terms with the fact that this was his issue, not mine, although obviously his treatment of me was entirely my fault because he was a lovely bloke "everyone says so"

doesn't count if "everyone" is your mum though eh?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

These are ds's hands when he got home tonight from LCBs.
He'd eaten pizza for tea with them in this state.
I had to scrub them before letting him near anything.
And they both said they were hungry as soon as they walked in the door.

[myfriendnoel]

Mrs dilligaf. Mine also has a mother who was once heard to actually say 'I don't believe he could ever do the wrong thing' I would imagine that's fairly common where narcs are concerned.
Blimey had they been digging for spuds in the garden or something onit?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

He goes to an after school club which is outdoors unless its tipping it down.
It's possible he was gardening but definitely not with LCB. at the thought of that.

[ummizoomi]

You should send him a pic of the kids hands and question his parenting skills! Do it for a laugh! It will wind him up so much!

[underitoveritthroughit]

I've had to NC. On the verge of reporting these threads. I don't want to. This has been a lifeline. But I commented on another thread and it's had some fallout.
Wtf do journalists do these days? I'm gutted.

[ohdearme1958]

Don't be hasty.

I've had a look at your other threads and can't quite see which one could have prompted this namechange and thinking you should have threads removed.

Are you sure that whatever you thInk has happened isn't just a co-incidence?

[kittybiscuits]

You're fab onit. I had to impose that texting is for emergencies only and that arrangements should be made via email in advance so arrangements were clear for all concerned. I may have used the phrase 'failure to plan on your part does not constitute a crisis on my part'. He's such a dick with his texting. And in every other way of course.

[TwirlyFoo]

Oh no ! What happened?

[underitoveritthroughit]

I posted advice on another thread and it was picked up.
I read my post on Facebook

[underitoveritthroughit]

And I've had a text this morning informing me he's introducing ow to DC today

[underitoveritthroughit]

I'm in pieces

[kittybiscuits]

So sorry onit. Crazy questions I know, but has he taken advice from the family therapist or asked the DCs if they want to? I'm so sorry it hurts like hell. He can only do this once and then it's done. Narcissist to the letter. Keep breathing. This too shall pass

[underitoveritthroughit]

He says he's done extensive research.
I told him I'd been advised by a mh professional to wait at least a year.
He is ignoring me.
He knows best.
I asked him to ask sometimpartial if he won't listen to me. He won't.
I have told him very strongly I don't agree. I've begged him not to do it.
He's made up his mind.
He wins

[ohdearme1958]

Onit I'm so sorry. With Christmas coming up him introducing the children to her was always going to happen but at least you now know for sure and I think once it happens you'll feel a certain sense of relief.

My heart does go out to you though. Xxxxx

[underitoveritthroughit]

It occurs to me as well that by introducing her on a Sunday afternoon he doesn't have to deal with what comes after. He's given me no time to prepare myself for what the DC will say when they come home later.