Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Sorry! Try this one x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2957256-Onits-owning-it-Or-at-least-has-an-agreement-in-principle-for-a-mortgage-on-it

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thank you Chanandler

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

New thread here. Number 4

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships?call=NewConversationPage

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hey everyone

I'm currently trying to ignore the 4 dc upstairs. Apparently they call it a sleepover

Anyway, I hadn't realised I was nearing the end of this thread (thanks Chanandler) so I'm off to think of a name for another one and I'll be back to post a link.

[ChanandlerBongsNeighbour]

Onit you astound me with your true grit and determination and pure strength! I always check back and think of you often.

I am hoping (if you still feel the benefit) that you'll think about starting a(nother) follow on thread as this one is nearly at capacity. You give me strength and hope for the future.

[Fuzzywuzzywasawoman42]

You're not 'on it' onit...you own it !!

I'm so very proud of you girlfriend.

Here's to the rest of your life

[nigelsbigface]

Good in you having a day off hell, take a couple dude! You deserve it!

[Mix56]

What is wrong with enjoying your life Onit ? you are entitled to as much happiness as you can grab, wherever that comes from.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Lost a post but suffice to say I would happily have you all round for gin and cake . Maybe when the divorce goes through.
I told my friends, when that happens, I want a hen party. Mine was shit. Both my bridesmaids were ill/pregnant in the run up to my wedding so I organised it myself. But I didn't get the 'L' plates or the veil or the willie shaped straws or the stripper and, goddamn it, I want all that shit now! And I want all my friends to come. And you are all my friends.

I had an email from LCB as a "follow up" to mediation. I'll need to answer it but I'll do it on Sunday.

Got shitloads to do for dd's party on Saturday but I'm sitting here in a bit of a blissed out state.
Is it wrong that I took a day off from normal life to stay in bed all day with BF? Even though I still have tons of stuff to do for the weekend.
He left before the dc came back from LCBs and, while putting them to bed, it dawned on me that LCB gave me 20 years of lies and 2 amazing dc.
BF has given me 4 months of attention and great sex.
I'm aware there's not a comparison there and I'm not sure it'll last. There's lots of things that make it complicated. But, for now, it's going well. He says he adores me. I guess it remains to be seen if it works out.

Anyway, I must attempt to get on with party bag stuffing.
Have a good weekend everyone

[nigelsbigface]

Yeeeeah!! She's back!!
Love it. You've done amazingly today!!
Aces!!

[DPotter]

Onit for PM I say - with negotiating skills like yours, we need you in Brussels.
I salute you!

[dustarr73]

Ah Omit,I'm delighted for you.You have definitely turned a corner.Your kids should be very proud of you,you're a fab mam🍸🍸🍸🍸👍.

[RagingCunt]

Ya beauty!! Well done Onit

[Mix56]

Fuck Me!!! ONIT has found her inner strength
I might have to get on a plane & come & get mind numbingly pissed with you.... Yay ! SO WELL DONE ! xxxxxx

[MsPavlichenko]

You Star!

[AgathaF]

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody brilliant . I hope that shuts him up for a while. Although, and not trying to dampen things, be prepared for him to try to seek some revenge for that. But stand your ground as you just have done.

I know you've struggled a bit lately. I really hope your stellar performance today lifts you up again.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Well, I did it!

I firstly took MrsP's advice and just didn't reply to him.
I figured there was nothing I could say to placate him till today so best say nothing.

I went with a copy of my summer holiday planner which, having seen my besties on Saturday, now also has a few play dates and sleepovers plotted in too. And a couple of day trips to see further afield friends which I only organised because he "needed to know" what we were up to the third week of August.
This obviously left less room for manoeuvre for him.
I said men who leave for ow have proved in my experience they are unreliable. So I've taken care of my dc by making sure I don't need to rely on him. If they have a baby, or he gets a new job or she does, or they move away, I need to know my dc are cared for. And I've done that. By taking full responsibility for their care.

I told the mediator that I didn't think it was appropriate to ask the dc what they wanted to do over the holidays (presumably he'd asked her to ask me) because it's not fair to put the burden of keeping everyone happy on them. Ds especially would be tormented trying to figure out what to say that would be the right thing.
Of course they want to spend more time with their dad if he asks them that as a direct question.
I'm sure if you asked them if they'd like to spend time with their friends they'd say yes to that too. But they're too young to understand the complexities. And shouldn't be put in that position of having to make all the adults feel better.
He wants to spend more time with the dc. So do I. But it's not about what he wants. Or me.
He mentioned losing time with them so they spend time with his parents.
I said I'd been with the dc to see his parents just last weekend and that I'd no intention of cutting contact. That it was a relationship I found difficult now because of the elephant in the room and that I grieved for the easiness we had once.
But that I would continue to nurture it because I love them and my dc love them.
I said LCB used his parents as babysitters and that dc saw them more often now than when we were together as they had monthly sleepovers when their dad had other plans.

I also said that they spent time with my dsis and their little cousin and occasionally dsis babysits of an evening if I go out. But I don't make plans on my weekend unless it's unavoidable.

I kept just saying it's not broke. Stability. Consistency. Security. Boundaries.

I just said no when he pushed and said he was disappointed at what he'd been offered. Let him be disappointed. That's not my concern.

He told the mediator that I was in control.
Yes. Yes I am. But there's a difference between being in control and being controlling.
I'm responsible. I'm the facilitator. I'm in charge. I'm strong and capable.
And I'm sure he's astounded by that (did you see what I did there? ) but I'm their mother and only have their interests in my mind. Not mine and certainly not his. He left me and I no longer have to consider him in my decision making.
It goes dc and me, my friends and family, my work and then maybe him.

I also made sure I told him that ow was never to speak, be in the background or otherwise be on my phone and by extension, in my home or life. Ever. That it might be petty but it bothers me that people who could do what they did have parental responsibility for my dc and that I knew things he didn't know I knew and I'd rather they spent as little time as possible with them as a couple.

I feel like a line has been drawn.
He obviously doesn't have a legal leg to stand on or I'd be in court by now so I hope the 50/50 thing is now consigned to the scrap heap.

I might rest a little easier tonight.

I know I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm sure, but honestly, truly, thank you! From the bottom of my heart.
I would not be here without you and I wish I could show my gratitude in a more tangible way. But as I can't here's for all of you

[nigelsbigface]

Oddly enough mix I've just discovered the same thing and switched to decaf tea after 12.Its made quite a big difference and I can't believe I didn't twig it before.

You can't pay the man money if you don't have it onit... definitely speak to the lawyer and see what they advise.

Again as mix said-you have your list and if you stick to it all will be well. If you get the invites out today then you will feel better and more in control of that, and that's a good focus to get you through the week.

I hope that reading your old threads help you see how far you've come and how amazing you are.
And I'm pretty sure the new man sees that, tears and snot or not...

[Mix56]

onit, your plan of action looks absolutely "on top of the problem", you have a list, you know what you need to do.
What is the worst scenario ? as you say, there was no legal contract... Just tell him you'll repay when you can, which is certainly not now.
yes you said you would go halves, but a judge might well have given you more than that had it gone to court.
Please stop knocking yourself !
BTW Do you drink tea or coffee in the afternoon ? I know it might sound stupid, but I have had coffee as bed time drink since I was about 16 ! umpteen cups of tea a day & tea time, is of course TEA time !. I have discovered very recently if I drink tea of coffee after about 2pm, I simply cannot sleep... Just a thought

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hi all!

Been an up and down few days. Broke down in front of bf (while in the act ) proper ugly sobbing too . But he was lovely. And it remains to be seen whether I've scared him away. I think not. He says not.

No, nigel he wants the money in cash as it was part of the deal to get my house bought. I got all of it to buy my house. But half of it is legally his.
I will need to get a mortgage to give it to him.

So I'd like to say thanks to all of you who pay tax for helping to support my dc. You put more money on my table than their £50k a year salaried dad does
And I'll now be using a portion of it to pay my mortgage, my legal fees no doubt, my counsellor and my dcs xmas presents for the next 15 years or so.

I feel compelled to reply to his email but I can't find a response which is dismissive enough to keep him quiet until Wednesday mediation.
I don't intend to reply regarding the money. I will phone the lawyer tomorrow for an appointment and will discuss how best to proceed there.
I'm guessing he will tell me that, as there's no legally binding agreement yet, he can whistle for it.
I'd like to discuss the possibility of paying something from my little savings pot which would take me under the legal aid threshold and therefore be beneficial to me in that respect. I suppose I should find out how much I owe already in fees. Im too scared to ask.
Or whether I should take my mortgage out now? And pay him what had been calculated already. And add on my legal fees.
I guess I have to call my IFA as well this week.
Mediation.
It's dd's birthday party on Saturday and I've done nothing for it. I've still not sent the school invitations yet though our family friends are all coming. Or bought her a gift (though her actual birthday is middle of next week. I'm thinking a CD player with a microphone but wondering if that's a bit old fashioned.
I'm just doing pizza and simple picnic food. Asda do a piñata cake apparently and I'll cheat and do cheap, ready stuffed party bags. If I can find a piñata we can do that too.

I also plan this week to revisit my original thread. I need to see the difference in me. Though I'm dreading the posts where I was told to get a lawyer immediately and I was poopooing the need for it. Thinking he was a decent man.
But I guess if I'd got a lawyer earlier, other things might not have worked out as they have.

My head is like a burst couch at the moment. I'm a mass of emotion and have eleventy billion things to do this week and have had so little sleep despite the sedatives. I'm drowning and I'm worried.

[nigelsbigface]

Thinking of you this weekend onit...you are an inspiration, you are strong and a year later you can look back with total pride at what you have accomplished. Much love to you.

[nigelsbigface]

He wants 20 k from your pension pot I assume not just a straight 20 k cash? Still, huh? He earns much more than you? How has he a right to that?

Definitely a set day to respond to him is a good idea, saves you from having to give him any more than the bare minimum head space he deserves.

[AgathaF]

A once weekly response day is a good idea. Would a mid-week day be better though? You don't want the thought of having to engage with him on a Sunday to ruin your weekend.

Yes to telling him your hear his thoughts at mediation, and ignore his demands for money. It'll happen when it happens. Don't get into a dialogue about it with him though.

[MsPavlichenko]

Don't respond via email to any financial stuff. That's what you are paying lawyers for. Let them deal with it.

Only talk about what you must with him, the Sunday thing is a good idea. You have a schedule so you don't need to respond yet again. He can raise it in mediation if he wants, you don't need to tell him you'll hear his thoughts. Really you don't.

He is furious that you're taking control.

[Mix56]

Good plan, don't jump to his tune, reply Sunday, "you already know the schedule, if you have further need to discuss there is an apppointment in place on X"

re money, he has an apparently good salary, the OW has a salary. Let him whine.
He knows perfectly that you do not have the 20K to hand over.
It's just about dominance & kicking the puppy.
So on Sunday, you can say, re 20K "Don't have it". & am unlikely to have it before I get a mortgage, but having us all living in the car is an option to get you to fuck off