Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[Mix56]

fine, discuss it, tho' this usually means he announces what he wants.
Just repeat the same,
The routine is in place, it is in the DCs best interest,if he wants to plan to take the DC away on holiday, he can give you the dates ......
I would also be obliged to say, he left "the family" for another woman, That you have better things to do with your time than listen to his bullying, wasn't the whole point in screwing you over for the trollop, to have a new life ? well he has it.

The more you ignore his bullying the better you will feel.

[MsPavlichenko]

I wouldn't reply other than to note his reply with a breezy, thanks for that! If I replied at all.

Every time you engage it allows him to fire something back, your anxiety ramps up, and he's pulling your strings again.

You have made your points. You don't need to make them again, or suggest what he should do. He is capable of doing that himself.

I really suggest you look again at the Freedom Programme, or even just buy and read, Living with the Dominator.

This is really not about the DC (or very little). It is about him being in control of the situation, you and DC as always. It is hard to see from the inside. I know. He is doing what he has always done, telling you what he thinks/wants/expects. He isn't going to stop/be reasonable/listen to what you say so you need to stop hoping or expecting this. It matters not one jot what you say . He didn't care before, and he doesn't now. Only you can break the pattern by disengaging. You have been doing which has elicited this response from him, and impacted negatively on your frame of mind.

Ignoring all of this crap is the best thing you can do for yourself, and DC for now, and the future.

[Mix56]

MsP is obviously right !!!

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Yes, I'm sure she is mix

Thank you MrsP

I'm sitting waiting to be seen at the gp.
Need to discuss the AD's which don't seem to be making much of a difference to my mood but have complicated matters by sedating me when I don't want to be sedated. Ds told me on Saturday that he couldnt wake me in the morning and, when my dsis phoned on Sunday morning around 10am she said I sounded drunk. LCB had called to speak to the dc half an hour earlier so Christ knows what I sounded like when I spoke to him

It feels like the calm before the storm.
I've got a big to do list, including a workout, which is good to keep me occupied but I'm still very shaky and agitated. And exhausted.

It feels odd to think I'm dreading a day that my husband will be celebrating.
But I should be celebrating too. Because he's no longer my husband in anything but legal terms, and I'm glad about it.

When will my brain start to compute that I'm fucking happy goddamn it?!?!

[ChanandlerBongsNeighbour]

Keep going Onit! Your brain will catch up soon! Definitely worth enquiring about the ADs, sometimes a different brand/dose can make all the difference! X

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I'm persevering with the drugs for another month. I have another appointment in 3 weeks and a sick line till then.
I don't want to chop and change but, if my mood isn't better and I'm still just getting side effects by the next appointment, he'll look at something else.
I'm loathe to change back to citalopram because, now I have a sex life, I'm not prepared to live with the side effects of that

I feel like I'm in the calm before the storm though. The next few days are just the lead up to the big anniversaries over the weekend.
It's in the post.

[nigelsbigface]

It's not an exact or easy science with the meds-worth it when it comes right.

This weekend will be pretty tough if it's the anniversary? Have you plans to keep you distracted?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

The bf is coming here for a bit tomorrow and I'm going to his on Friday till Saturday morning. I have the dc home on Thursday but I'll get a bit of time for the gym in the afternoon.
My girlfriends and I are having a gin tasting on Saturday night and presumably I'll be hungover on Sunday so I don't have plans.

I've been back in contact with ow dh. Trying to organise meeting. He's had an email from ow asking if there's any chance he'd meet her with a view to being friends again maybe. He asked what I thought.
I asked him what was in it for him. I can see benefits for her, especially as they are both part of a small close knit community which they both have business/pleasure interest in.
She gets to repair her reputation if he becomes her friend (she'll be seen as less of a cheating, heartless, scummy butch if he shows he's ok with her), she gets to feel less awkward in company of people who (rightly) took his side. She even had the audacity to ask if he'd consider working for her again in what used to be their joint business .

I asked what his gut said. He said his gut was unreliable. That he thought he'd ask me. So I basically answered as above. "What's in it for you?"
I advised him to ignore her and that could be his answer or could just be giving him time to think of an answer.

It's funny how I can give advice to ignore but I can't follow it.
I guess because I unfortunately have dc with LCB I feel I cant have the luxury of no contact.
I feel green with envy for those people with that option.

Anyway, just checking in. Need to get on with housework. At least one good thing comes from having people visiting; I get off my arse and clean

[nigelsbigface]

Me too.i would love to be able to have no contact with mine personally (but I recognise the kids need him).
Glad you have plans-this is key to surviving I think...
I find it oddly cathartic to speak to the woman in my situations husband.He is the only person who understands the devastation and the individual challenges our particular situation brings up fully. Good that you are meeting with the other husband I think-even if just for some joint vexation and commiseration.
And you are right about her wanting to be friends with him to salve her conscience and improve her reputation... that seems to be a pattern with this type of person.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

So he emailed to ask if I was going to send him a revised summer holiday schedule or discuss it at mediation.
I'm thinking since I sent the last email on Sunday, I'll reply on Sunday and make that my day for dealing with him.
I'll tell him I'll hear his thoughts at mediation.

I also received an email from my lawyer with an email from his lawyer.
He's pissed off with the delay to the financial split because we're waiting for pension valuations from the DWP.
He wants £20k as a partial payment.

[Mix56]

Good plan, don't jump to his tune, reply Sunday, "you already know the schedule, if you have further need to discuss there is an apppointment in place on X"

re money, he has an apparently good salary, the OW has a salary. Let him whine.
He knows perfectly that you do not have the 20K to hand over.
It's just about dominance & kicking the puppy.
So on Sunday, you can say, re 20K "Don't have it". & am unlikely to have it before I get a mortgage, but having us all living in the car is an option to get you to fuck off

[MsPavlichenko]

Don't respond via email to any financial stuff. That's what you are paying lawyers for. Let them deal with it.

Only talk about what you must with him, the Sunday thing is a good idea. You have a schedule so you don't need to respond yet again. He can raise it in mediation if he wants, you don't need to tell him you'll hear his thoughts. Really you don't.

He is furious that you're taking control.

[AgathaF]

A once weekly response day is a good idea. Would a mid-week day be better though? You don't want the thought of having to engage with him on a Sunday to ruin your weekend.

Yes to telling him your hear his thoughts at mediation, and ignore his demands for money. It'll happen when it happens. Don't get into a dialogue about it with him though.

[nigelsbigface]

He wants 20 k from your pension pot I assume not just a straight 20 k cash? Still, huh? He earns much more than you? How has he a right to that?

Definitely a set day to respond to him is a good idea, saves you from having to give him any more than the bare minimum head space he deserves.

[nigelsbigface]

Thinking of you this weekend onit...you are an inspiration, you are strong and a year later you can look back with total pride at what you have accomplished. Much love to you.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hi all!

Been an up and down few days. Broke down in front of bf (while in the act ) proper ugly sobbing too . But he was lovely. And it remains to be seen whether I've scared him away. I think not. He says not.

No, nigel he wants the money in cash as it was part of the deal to get my house bought. I got all of it to buy my house. But half of it is legally his.
I will need to get a mortgage to give it to him.

So I'd like to say thanks to all of you who pay tax for helping to support my dc. You put more money on my table than their £50k a year salaried dad does
And I'll now be using a portion of it to pay my mortgage, my legal fees no doubt, my counsellor and my dcs xmas presents for the next 15 years or so.

I feel compelled to reply to his email but I can't find a response which is dismissive enough to keep him quiet until Wednesday mediation.
I don't intend to reply regarding the money. I will phone the lawyer tomorrow for an appointment and will discuss how best to proceed there.
I'm guessing he will tell me that, as there's no legally binding agreement yet, he can whistle for it.
I'd like to discuss the possibility of paying something from my little savings pot which would take me under the legal aid threshold and therefore be beneficial to me in that respect. I suppose I should find out how much I owe already in fees. Im too scared to ask.
Or whether I should take my mortgage out now? And pay him what had been calculated already. And add on my legal fees.
I guess I have to call my IFA as well this week.
Mediation.
It's dd's birthday party on Saturday and I've done nothing for it. I've still not sent the school invitations yet though our family friends are all coming. Or bought her a gift (though her actual birthday is middle of next week. I'm thinking a CD player with a microphone but wondering if that's a bit old fashioned.
I'm just doing pizza and simple picnic food. Asda do a piñata cake apparently and I'll cheat and do cheap, ready stuffed party bags. If I can find a piñata we can do that too.

I also plan this week to revisit my original thread. I need to see the difference in me. Though I'm dreading the posts where I was told to get a lawyer immediately and I was poopooing the need for it. Thinking he was a decent man.
But I guess if I'd got a lawyer earlier, other things might not have worked out as they have.

My head is like a burst couch at the moment. I'm a mass of emotion and have eleventy billion things to do this week and have had so little sleep despite the sedatives. I'm drowning and I'm worried.

[Mix56]

onit, your plan of action looks absolutely "on top of the problem", you have a list, you know what you need to do.
What is the worst scenario ? as you say, there was no legal contract... Just tell him you'll repay when you can, which is certainly not now.
yes you said you would go halves, but a judge might well have given you more than that had it gone to court.
Please stop knocking yourself !
BTW Do you drink tea or coffee in the afternoon ? I know it might sound stupid, but I have had coffee as bed time drink since I was about 16 ! umpteen cups of tea a day & tea time, is of course TEA time !. I have discovered very recently if I drink tea of coffee after about 2pm, I simply cannot sleep... Just a thought

[nigelsbigface]

Oddly enough mix I've just discovered the same thing and switched to decaf tea after 12.Its made quite a big difference and I can't believe I didn't twig it before.

You can't pay the man money if you don't have it onit... definitely speak to the lawyer and see what they advise.

Again as mix said-you have your list and if you stick to it all will be well. If you get the invites out today then you will feel better and more in control of that, and that's a good focus to get you through the week.

I hope that reading your old threads help you see how far you've come and how amazing you are.
And I'm pretty sure the new man sees that, tears and snot or not...

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Well, I did it!

I firstly took MrsP's advice and just didn't reply to him.
I figured there was nothing I could say to placate him till today so best say nothing.

I went with a copy of my summer holiday planner which, having seen my besties on Saturday, now also has a few play dates and sleepovers plotted in too. And a couple of day trips to see further afield friends which I only organised because he "needed to know" what we were up to the third week of August.
This obviously left less room for manoeuvre for him.
I said men who leave for ow have proved in my experience they are unreliable. So I've taken care of my dc by making sure I don't need to rely on him. If they have a baby, or he gets a new job or she does, or they move away, I need to know my dc are cared for. And I've done that. By taking full responsibility for their care.

I told the mediator that I didn't think it was appropriate to ask the dc what they wanted to do over the holidays (presumably he'd asked her to ask me) because it's not fair to put the burden of keeping everyone happy on them. Ds especially would be tormented trying to figure out what to say that would be the right thing.
Of course they want to spend more time with their dad if he asks them that as a direct question.
I'm sure if you asked them if they'd like to spend time with their friends they'd say yes to that too. But they're too young to understand the complexities. And shouldn't be put in that position of having to make all the adults feel better.
He wants to spend more time with the dc. So do I. But it's not about what he wants. Or me.
He mentioned losing time with them so they spend time with his parents.
I said I'd been with the dc to see his parents just last weekend and that I'd no intention of cutting contact. That it was a relationship I found difficult now because of the elephant in the room and that I grieved for the easiness we had once.
But that I would continue to nurture it because I love them and my dc love them.
I said LCB used his parents as babysitters and that dc saw them more often now than when we were together as they had monthly sleepovers when their dad had other plans.

I also said that they spent time with my dsis and their little cousin and occasionally dsis babysits of an evening if I go out. But I don't make plans on my weekend unless it's unavoidable.

I kept just saying it's not broke. Stability. Consistency. Security. Boundaries.

I just said no when he pushed and said he was disappointed at what he'd been offered. Let him be disappointed. That's not my concern.

He told the mediator that I was in control.
Yes. Yes I am. But there's a difference between being in control and being controlling.
I'm responsible. I'm the facilitator. I'm in charge. I'm strong and capable.
And I'm sure he's astounded by that (did you see what I did there? ) but I'm their mother and only have their interests in my mind. Not mine and certainly not his. He left me and I no longer have to consider him in my decision making.
It goes dc and me, my friends and family, my work and then maybe him.

I also made sure I told him that ow was never to speak, be in the background or otherwise be on my phone and by extension, in my home or life. Ever. That it might be petty but it bothers me that people who could do what they did have parental responsibility for my dc and that I knew things he didn't know I knew and I'd rather they spent as little time as possible with them as a couple.

I feel like a line has been drawn.
He obviously doesn't have a legal leg to stand on or I'd be in court by now so I hope the 50/50 thing is now consigned to the scrap heap.

I might rest a little easier tonight.

I know I've said it before and I'll say it again I'm sure, but honestly, truly, thank you! From the bottom of my heart.
I would not be here without you and I wish I could show my gratitude in a more tangible way. But as I can't here's for all of you

[AgathaF]

Yaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bloody brilliant . I hope that shuts him up for a while. Although, and not trying to dampen things, be prepared for him to try to seek some revenge for that. But stand your ground as you just have done.

I know you've struggled a bit lately. I really hope your stellar performance today lifts you up again.

[MsPavlichenko]

You Star!

[Mix56]

Fuck Me!!! ONIT has found her inner strength
I might have to get on a plane & come & get mind numbingly pissed with you.... Yay ! SO WELL DONE ! xxxxxx

[RagingCunt]

Ya beauty!! Well done Onit

[dustarr73]

Ah Omit,I'm delighted for you.You have definitely turned a corner.Your kids should be very proud of you,you're a fab mam🍸🍸🍸🍸👍.

[DPotter]

Onit for PM I say - with negotiating skills like yours, we need you in Brussels.
I salute you!