Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[UptheAnty]

Bloody spellcheck

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Meeting with my boss went ok.
She can accommodate the hours I need but not within my old department. Once upon a time I'd have been gutted to be moved to this particular area but it's amazing how I could give a shit my focus has shifted.
I didn't get an answer on term time but I'll reiterate the need when I see my actual contract. I'm not sure if she sidestepped the question or just got sidetracked.

Something else I remembered from lawyer yesterday is his suggestion that our contact schedule remains the same all year i.e. no change of days during the holidays. I'd just assumed he'd be entitled to more time but apparently he can issue a request for a specific week/s for a trip etc and that would be the usual way of doing it.
My naivety is showing. I have no experience of this stuff so I have no idea what's reasonable or not.
How do/did holidays work for you?
I have his suggested schedule for Christmas holidays which is more or less 50/50. I'm happy for him to have them a bit but I'm gutted that I'll be going back to work after the holidays and I'll be spending some of that apart from them when it's my last opportunity to spend time with them before chucking the pressure of work into the mix.

[Mix56]

Lets hope he fails on a few days as usual onit.
I think you are going to have to woman up though. You have to go back to work one day... it will take a while to adapt. But globally you will probably enjoy adult company & things to take you mind off LCB.
KOKO

[myfriendnigel]

Sounds positive about the job onit -good news. And that you've got til after Christmas to gear up for it.
Make sure to try and do some stuff for you in this last month as well as stuff with the DC's-you deserve it

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Sorry this might be long. Don't want to drip feed and I'm essentially ranting, so bear with me

Ds got recognised at school on Tuesday for his good behaviour/effort. I found this out when I was collecting him and dd early to go to the dentist and his teacher came and spoke to me. Ds told me the whole school had congratulated him at a get together that day.
I'm obviously very proud of him and made a fuss of him on the way to the dentist.
The appointment was not the most successful as he wet himself in the chair (poor soul couldn't say anything because they were painting some stuff on his teeth). Anyway, a stressful time.
I know one of the dental nurses there so she watched both DC while I ran out to grab a change of clothes from local shop. Dd was having a treatment too which didn't go well either as, when I returned 10 mins later, she was crying. A lot. Apparently it didn't taste nice. So I have 2 traumatised DC to dress, get home, homework, feed, bath, bed etc. Dd has a bad cold too so lots of coughing to go with the crying which didn't really stop till we got home and fed half an hour later.
We've had a week of early waking. I've had one or both in with me everyday from as early as 3am on tuesday to 5am this morning. After they've gone to bed all week I've been doing bare minimum then heading to bed myself.
When I checked school bags on Wednesday afternoon, there were 2 letters in ds's. One for me and one for LCB. I opened mine and it was a letter confirming ds's achievement. DC are picked up by LCB on Thursday after school so I left his letter in the bag. As we'd had a stressful afternoon the day before I'd said "no homework" and we went upstairs to play till teatime. Then the usual bedtime routine minus Bath as I was aiming early for all of us due to 5am start.
Thursday there was an event at school. LCB is on the parent council and was helping organise. I agreed to take them home early and give them tea to help him out. I had to get them changed straight after tea to go back to school at 6 for said event. When we got home at 6.45 my dsis was coming to babysit as I was going to my book club. I did not check school bags other than to put snack pots/water bottles at the sink.
Anyway, today I went to assembly as I thought ds might get pupil of the week. As it turned out he didn't but Dd did for a different thing in her class . She got a certificate.
When school finished (half day Friday here) we came home, dumped bags and went straight out to meet friends. Afterwards we were home for maybe an hour before I was dropping the with LCB. I asked the DC to check their bags for anything that needed washed etc and ds handed me a letter about his teacher leaving. He's p3 (year 2) and has had 9 teachers!! I took a pic of the letter and sent it to LCB. We had a bit of discussion about talking to the head.
I was trying to give them snacks and drinks and when I found dd's certificate I stuck it up on our wall. I reminded her to tell daddy about it later and carried on with dishes, packing clothes for them etc. Then after a bit of tv for them we left for LCBs to drop them off.
Tonight I've had a series of snotty texts about not letting him know about the dcs achievements this week. He'd like to have congratulated them immediately.
I replied asking did he not get the letter that was in ds's bag. No, he didn't have time to check on Thursday as he had the thing at school. I said I wasn't aware he hadn't received the letter, so didn't know he didn't know.
Now I didn't ask DC but ds has not stopped talking about his thing this week and dd was seeing LCB today, so I didn't text him to tell him. Apparently, letting his DC share their news with him personally isn't right. I should've texted him or got them to call him straight away
I did try explaining that we're busy everyday after school and I didn't know he hadn't got the letter.

I will make sure I take a photo of Every. Single. Thing. That comes home from school from now on. And I mean everything.

Or am I being petty again?

The thing is I usually would've taken a photo (like I did with the teacher letter) but he had one of his own. I'm not his fucking secretary

[Splishing]

Just my personal opinion and I'm sure there will be some who disagree or who can see both sides. I don't think you are being petty. I actually get quite annoyed by men who have done what your ex has done but then feel put out when they think they are missing out on these things. What did they expect to happen when they messed up their marriage!?!?
I don't pass on every thing my DCs bring home from school. I only pass on stuff which I think he either needs to know or feel he should know but don't bother with letters about stuff that doesn't affect him e.g. no uniform days. Not sure how often your DC speak to exH when they are with you. My ex phones every day when they are with me so they tend to tell any news from the day. He seems happy to find out things that way. I think your ex is being unreasonable expecting you the let him know these things straightaway. Especially in the case where there was a letter for him too. Seems a bit wrong for him to say he was too busy to check DCs bag but then not understand that you too are busy so can't do everything he expects/wants.
I have to admit I don't understand why he has such a problem with DC telling him their exciting news. If it was my DC, I know they would be really put out if had told anyone their exciting news for them. It's stealing their thunder iyswim. They always want to be the one to share their news on their own.
Hope that helps.

[Forme2016]

I agree with Splishing. If he is not part of your DC's lives 100% of the time he cannot expect to know 100% of what they are doing.

That was his choice when he left

It is not your job to update him on things - good or bad - that he may have missed due to his decision to leave. You clearly don't tell him every time you have to deal with the DC being upset (dentist for example) so you also don't have to share the good stuff either. Hopefully he won't put pressure on them to tell him everything that's happened between their visits, he'll have to put up with knowing what they tell him when he sees them and suck it up arsehole

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Thanks for that.
Atm I don't share forms for milk money, dress down days, £1 for a raffle ticket, etc. I give the DC what they need on a daily basis and let him know about the "important" stuff.
Well, I guess I'll be letting him see the massive amount of crap that I'm fielding/paying for (x2dc)

[Forme2016]

Exactly, that what I meant by not sharing the bad aka normal stuff. You just deal with it, as I suspect you always have. They truly have no idea do they??

[Splishing]

They definitely do not have a clue forme at all.
I have have to admit I am quite tempted to start sending copies of letters for things such as non uniform days etc so that he can see that there are all these things that I am having to pay for while he argues over whether to provide adequate maintenance. While it is never a lot of money each time for these school/charity things, it all adds up over the year.
My ex has just complained that he doesn't understand why I have allowed for a monthly amount towards school uniforms when they were all bought at the beginning of the school year. So obviously they don't need new things as we go into winter or that things need to be replaced because they have fallen over and got holes in their uniforms or low and behold have maybe actually grown out of some of it. So they definitely don't have a clue!
forme has made a good point about you not telling him the bad stuff e.g. dentist. I guess if you really wanted to be petty you could message/email everything that has happened good & bad so you really are telling him all their 'important' news and see how long it takes for him to get fed up with his phone pinging all the time 😂
Sorry had a bit of a rant there myself. These LCB just get me so angry especially when they turn it round on themselves & how they are missing out on things etc. Think you are still doing fab onit despite everything he is putting you through.

[MrsPeelyWally]

I agree with Forme and Splishing. Especially this :-

I actually get quite annoyed by men who have done what your ex has done but then feel put out when they think they are missing out on these things. What did they expect to happen when they messed up their marriage!?!?

[myfriendnigel]

Snotty texts? Honestly he can get to fuck. Why isn't he spending his time with the kids, you know, actually with the kids, rather than sitting making a big issue over nothing.That way they might actually tell him stuff themselves.

[Mix56]

You are not his secretary No.
You found your letter in the school bag, he had better learn to do the same.
Also, you do not update him, as per the Apps say, about every single tiny daily boring item.
The kids would normally tell him about heir achievements, if
1 he asked, &
2 he wasn't rushing out to play fucking squash.
Tell him, you are busy also, you already off load his time with them, to help him out. it is a very ONE WAY STREET.
I would say "grow up" What did you expect to happen when you messed up your marriage!?!?

[Kitsa]

Ha ha what a total twat he is! he thinks he's such a great parent but he wants you to do his parenting for him.

[Mix56]

What he WANTS is the same stream lined service he had before.
Well he screwed that up. Not your problem
Detach, Detach

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

TBH I'm more annoyed with myself that he sucked me into the argument.

We'd had a bit of conversation about Xmas present planning at my request. I was concerned about duplication and how that would confuse and disappoint the DC. It was an amicable exchange.
Then he started this a couple of hours later.
It just makes it more obvious every day that I am fighting a losing battle to co-parent with this dick.
How he can think this will encourage me to include him more in day to day stuff is baffling.

When will I learn detachment mix?
I feel like Michael Corleone; "just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in"

[ohdearme1958]

Onit the discussion about Christmas presents pissed him off. Probably because of how you came across. Again, you're not supposed to be doing so well. The tests were your punishment. Can you look at it that way and take strength from it?

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I've deliberately not contacted him (or the DC) today in order to disengage.
I will have to contact him tomorrow but only to speak to the kids.

[UptheAnty]

You are correct onit, you are not his secretary.
He is treating you as if you are answerable to him.
Tell him to fuck off.

And I wouldn't take photos of anything, engaging with his self righteous entitlement will only fuel his behaviour.

He's a knob.


for little onits

[Mix56]

The fact that the school send 2 letters shows that the info is there if he could "find time", be bothered or organised to look for it.
Not YOUR PROBLEM.
Did you open his letter ? No ?.
Detaching is when you stop jumping to his tune.

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

I didn't own his letter. It's still in ds's school bag.

I have decided to continue in the way I have been till now as you have helped convince me I've done nothing wrong.

[Mix56]

of course you've done nothing wrong.
Do not do an iota more than you already do.

[MrsDilligaf]

LCB is on the parent council and was helping organise

So he can organise some stuff which he probably thinks makes him super dad but can't quite manage to open a book bag?

he's a one isn't he?

[MrsPeelyWally]

LCB is on the parent council and was helping organise

So he can organise some stuff which he probably thinks makes him super dad but can't quite manage to open a book bag?hmm he's a one isn't he?

You noticed as well. 😉

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Being on the parent council is a very public way of showing he's superdad.
Same as the constant trips and activities.
Feeding them junk food, letting them away with murder and keeping them up late is obviously his way of showing DC he's superdad.
Whereas, neglecting to bathe them, leaving them with his mum when he's supposed to have them, not so much superdad and definitely not for public consumption.
It's amazing how I never realised before that image is everything. Im guessing his mum isn't confronting him about some of these contradictions because she's lived with it forever. And, if I'm honest, she's very similar. Very publicly loved her dgc but on her own terms. She'd prioritise a game of golf over helping out with babysitting for example.