Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

[underitoveritthroughit]

He agreed to postpone if I would agree to discuss extra contact.
I did but there is no way I'll agree to anything.

I am absolutely exhausted.
I have a week's worth of ironing to do. I just want to sleep for a week.

[MsPavlichenko]

Yes, don't agree to anything as he's a liar anyhow. He may well have lied about today anyhow just to regain control. Take it back! Try and get a rest tonight.

[StillStayingClassySanDiego]

You have all the cards in your favour.

You are the Parent giving your children the most stable and loving home,they couldn't wish for more and that is what is worth fighting for.

[AmIbeingTreasonable]

Onit
Please keep 2 copies of all texts in a safe place, with lawyer and other trusted person. This is more clear evidence that he has no regard for his dc best interests and will happily use them as pawns.
He is despicable

[AgathaF]

What a nasty, manipulative arsehole he is.

Someone upthread said that him introducing her to your DC will only happen once and then it's done. Your DC will be fine. She's just Dad's friend, not someone particularly important to them. It won't change anything as they know about her anyway.

He doesn't have your DC's best interests in mind, but you know that anyway.

[Mix56]

Agatha, I agree that in many ways it would be good to get it over with. It is going to happen & meanwhile onit has a thorn in her side permanently.. But not on a Sunday,I would tell him he will have to take the responsibility if they don't want to go to his afterwards.
Remember also, she/they will be love bombing them to start with, presents, outings, special treats, (they can afford it)so the DC's may think she is wonderful. This will inevitably hurt you, but if the DCs are OK, as you say, that has to take priority.

[myfriendnoel]

Sorry onit-i know the thought of the kids with her hurts like hell... But you are their mum and she won't even come close to you.
What a fucker using the thing he will know will get at you the most as a bargaining chip. It's just loathsome.

[underitoveritthroughit]

I have my counselling appointment this afternoon. And boy, do I need it today
I have reflected and I actually think the best course of action is to get it over with.
The shock of him doing it with no discussion was what actually upset me yesterday, I think, more than the meeting itself, iykwim.

I also hated the thought that he'd introduce her (at a fairground; as if lovebombing a 5 & 7 year old could be any easier), dump them back with me an hour before bedtime, and leave me with the questions having had no headspace to formulate the best answers.

As it is he had told them they were meeting her but she had to work (and they couldn't then go on the ride they were so excited about) so they did talk about her when they came home. How I know all these details.
I asked if they knew she used to be mummies friend too? Ds picked up on the "used to be" and asked if that meant she wasn't my friend anymore and I replied no, she isn't my friend anymore. That we fell out because of something that happened that I didn't like.
I can just about stay neutral/positive about LCB to them but I haven't the will to do the same for her and certainly not yesterday. I'm aware I didn't answer in the best way. I'm hyper aware of my bitterness. I feel bad. That wasn't good.

[myfriendnoel]

Actually I don't think there was anything wrong with that answer. I gave a similar one when the DC asked me about my ex best mate.They are a bit older than yours and as she was in and out of our house all the time and then suddenly wasn't,and they know their dad is now seeing her, it was all pretty obvious to them anyway-but when asked I just said she really hadn't been a good friend to me and left it at that. I am supportive and nice about their dad (through carefully gritted teeth), but I refuse to lie about her behaviour-neutral is just about all I can muster there.

I think you are right about getting it over with-he is going to do it anyway and at least it takes away the power he thinks it gives him.

I wish I could kick him in the goolies for you.

[underitoveritthroughit]

Maybe we should formulate some kind of reciprocal agreement nigel where you can kick my LCB in the nads and I can do yours.

[MrsDilligaf]

Quite happy to go round kicking arsehole blokes in the nads for any of you.

Toss pots

[AgathaF]

Your answer was perfectly fine, and, most importantly, honest.

I'm glad you have your appointment this afternoon, and I'm also glad that you are now thinking that getting the meeting over with is better. I think for your children that timing will make little difference. It's you that it is upsetting. Try to adopt a 'don't give a shit' attitude if you need to talk about it to LCB. He's goading you, but you don't need to give him the satisfaction.

Keep on, you're doing brilliantly.

[myfriendnoel]

I'm in!

[underitoveritthroughit]

My counsellor was impressed with my text conversation with LCB.

It was a tough session though. First proper tears and uncomfortableness. Visualisation exercise was particularly difficult.

I have so many more issues than LCB.

I didn't contact any mediation. I am going to add LCBs tactic of avoidance to my arsenal and he can whistle for a sit down. My counsellor has basically said it could be a bad idea as he is highly toxic and likely to manipulate a mediator if they are not experienced in dealing with people like him. It's not a surprise that she thinks that. I think exactly the same.

[kittybiscuits]

I doubt you have anywhere near as many issues as LCB. It's just that he completely lacks insight, so is in blissful ignorance. Glad you had a good, if tough session.

[underitoveritthroughit]

And the text has arrived asking if I've set up the mediation.

I am ignoring it.

I may call them tomorrow.

[MrsDilligaf]

Sorry Onit I might have missed a bit...but why is it that you have to organise mediation? Is there any reason why LCB can't do it?

[kittybiscuits]

Just start to develop the habit of taking your time. It will stand you in good stead. He may well threaten to introduce the children again - you seem to have reached an acceptance of that now. Just tell him to do what he thinks is best. Why not wait a couple of weeks then tell him that you've taken advice and mediation isn't recommended in abusive relationships.

[AgathaF]

tell him that you've taken advice and mediation isn't recommended in abusive relationships - yes, absolutely this. As soon as you feel able to say/text/email it to him.

Don't feel pressurised into mediation if you don't think it is appropriate because of his abusive personality. Remember that he doesn't get to call the shots any more.

[MsPavlichenko]

Yes . Do not rush to respond. Agatha's response is excellent but you can wait. If you want to get Xmas out the way just prevaricate. You can say that you've taken advice/talked /asked and the leave till New Year if it helps you. But you don't need to say anything at all. And deciding DC meeting OW is not a deal breaker for you is a huge advantage for you. One he doesn't know about.

He'll pull more stuff over the Festivities, but you'll be prepared now. Don't give him the reaction he needs. You have done amazingly well. Onwards and upwards!

[underitoveritthroughit]

He used the threat of her meeting the DC to bully me into agreeing to discuss more contact.
I had suggested that an impartial person might persuade him that introducing his girlfriend to his kids within a month of them finding out about her, wasn't a good idea. That I'd been advised a year.
He twisted this by suggesting mediation had originally been his idea and that, if I agreed to it, he would postpone her introduction.
I said I'd sort it and he called her off.

But I can, and will, take my time about organising. And when I call I will say he is abusive and I'm being blackmailed into it.
Then I will tell him exactly what kitty has said. And he can stamp his feet and bitch and complain. Then he can introduce her. And I will continue to stick to my word about not badmouthing him to the DC.

I have made no such promise, however, about what I say about her and I will not pretend that I like her. I will tell the truth. I will tell the DC if they ask that she did lots of things that were extremely hurtful to me and that I don't think she is a nice person.
I think if LCB believes my DC are ready to meet her then he must also think they are ready to hear some truth about the hurt we have all suffered at the hands of him and ow. Even if I tell the DC the age appropriate truth, I will still have the moral high ground.

He thinks he can intimidate me (and he can at any given moment because I don't have the coping skills yet) but I will always have truth and goodness on my side while his weapons are manipulation and lies.
And, one day, the truth shall set us all free. I need to believe that justice will prevail; not just in the long term.
I need to believe that I won't always feel the way I do when my phone goes and I see his name. And that my wonderful DC will not be scarred by their dick of a father in a similar way.
Please tell me we will survive and my DC will forgive me for all of the mistakes I've made in all of this. And that they will understand why I made those mistakes.

[MsPavlichenko]

Sorry, Kitty said it first. You will not only survive but all be so much happier without him. You've not made mistakes. A controlling and abusive relationship is so difficult to move on from. You have done so much so quickly. I am in awe! And your Dc will think the same!

[myfriendnoel]

When the kids are old enough to work out what has gone on here they will, and they will make their own minds up.They will recognise what an amazing mum you have been. On the evidence of his current behaviour I'm not so sure they will think the same of his parenting.The good will out.I firmly believe that.

[kittybiscuits]

You will look back and wonder why you put up with him for so long and you will know every day that the life is much happier without him. He will continue to try and manipulate and agitate. You will keep growing your skills for dealing with him and your peace of mind that your family is better off at a distance from his insanity.

[ChishandFips33]

Lovely to hear from you Onit and great to hear you're all beginning to settle in to you're new home and life

Every day is a step or two away from him and as you keep going, the ties that bind you will eventually stretch and sever

You can't change him but you can (and are) changing the way you react to him

Remember it's taken him however old he is to get like this and however long you had together for him to make you feel this way - the journey to the other side will be slow as you build yourself up again - but firm foundations and all that

You're doing great!