Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

Delurking Onit after following your threads with much admiration and empathy for virtually the whole time. The similarities in our situations are striking.

I had to post now based on your comments about new guy, it literally made me burst into tears (and I thought I was past that stage!) I am also involved with a new guy, completely unexpectedly, but can absolutely relate to the feeling like "me" that you describe. All I can say is the way that I'm approaching it is to enjoy every moment and try but fail miserably to not overthink things.

To have that escape and be made to feel desirable by someone that I like an awful lot is, I think, something to treasure and most certainly enjoy!

Yes, the crap that goes with the breakdown of my marriage, the pain of seeing my DC struggle, the incompetence of my own LCB in dealing with any form of emotion remains and is there every day. BUT my new guy makes those times we can spend together just so lovely that I'm going with it for now...it's what I need and it's doing me good.

Sorry for rambling. You are doing amazingly and will continue to, I'm sure. The dips are just part of the shite but will get less, I know it.

Forme

Big girl pants on today.

Had a lovely sexy chat with new guy this morning which got me moving but it's amazing how a lawyer can kill your buzz dead.
Apparently not getting a mortgage isn't an option. If it went to court they'd argue the clean break preference of Scots law. Though, because we're still waiting on state pension info, LCBs timescale might be optimistic. And if I can make him wait, great.

Good
Good sexy chat.
Don't totes get the rest if it (because I have drunk all the drinks)
Luvs you. Onit.

Aww nigel I luvs you too! Even in the cold light of day!
Hope the hangover is shortlived.

Nigel your post brought a smile to my face .

Hope you're ok today onit.

Nigel isn't smiling now.she has locked herself in her office under the guise of being very busy and important but actually sitting with head on desk scoffing crisps and praying for 5pm so she can go home and be hungover there instead!

Lovely morning had with new guy yesterday (I don't care if my dsis thinks I'm a slut. I fact I quite like the idea of getting what I want for a change) I love the fact we can have very inappropriate chat when we're apart, have pretty inappropriate sex when we're together yet afterwards have a cuddle and more normal conversation.
He even brushed my hair for me yesterday after it got messed up

After he left I went to collect the dc and we spent the rest of the day with friends. Didn't get home till gone 10pm last night
LCB phoned to talk to dc this morning and dd asked him if she could speak to ow. I said no because I don't want to hear her voice in my house. If LCB was a normal person I wouldn't have felt the need to say it but I don't assume anything anymore.
He did say she wasn't home to speak as she was working.
Dd then says to me "ow has 2 jobs mummy! She does x AND y!" And I replied, dripping in sarcasm " yes, ow is amazing isn't she?"
Ds runs into the room and says "mummy that doesn't mean she's better than you" and hugged me.
Heart ripped out and patched up in the space of seconds.

I fucking hate it!!!!!
I want to rip that fucking bastards testicles off and feed them to her but the worst I can do is sarcasm.
And now I can't even do that because ds understands it. Aaarrggghhhh!!!!!!

I'm not sure I'm a big enough person for this

I didn't tell dd I didn't want to hear ow's voice. I just said no. And to be fair to me it was a reflex that probably should've been only screamed in my head and not out loud. But as I said LCB has proved, he will take advantage of my non specificity.

What is lcb?

lying cheating bastard

Remember onit, at the moment they will be on their best behaviour. Lcb will be promoting ow to the dc she will most likely be love bombing them. The dc are so small and easily manipulated by this behaviour. It is all wrapped up in their need to legitimize themselves and to feel like the good guys again.
See the dc are fine? They love ow? What's the
problem?
The dc will probably love ow lots initially- they are no match for adult manipulations but this is exactly why they need you so much.
They will be disappointed and let down at some point. Don't both the cunts have form for letting down people they love?
At the moment the dc are serving a purpose but once it's been served ..what then?
I can't remember but does the ow have dc?
How is ow's alchohol problem?

I'm not sure who said about life coach upthread- I've been told that I look like a swan in life ...but under the water my feet are going like crazy

I do think onit that you need to come up with a way to deal with the calls and Skype issue.I totally understand where you're coming from , I think you are 100% correct. You do not have to accept her cunty presence in your space...you have to accept his as they are his dc but you don't have to accept hers.
A strategy is needed, you don't want to be reactionary when it happens. They have already had enough of you - don't let them have that too.

kudos for having lots of lovely sex. Good job - keep it up - fnahh fnahh

*nigel. You are a terrible lush I commend your dedication to your job

I keep telling myself that Fuzzy, that it's all just manipulation. And that she's under enormous pressure to both love my dc and, probably more important to LCB, to get them to love her back. I'm not sure how much either of those will be easy for her. She doesn't have dc herself, thank god.
I think if their dad had left them (I know he didn't leave the, he left me but I'm not sure my dc feel that way) and was now living with her dc 5/7 days, they'd be struggling much more than they are.

I'll discuss the ow/phone situation with my therapist tomorrow.
I'm giving up calling it counselling because it's not; it's therapy.
You wonderful people on here, my friends and family are my counsellors. And without you I would be dead in a ditch. Of that I have no doubt.

I saw some old colleagues today who I haven't seen since early 2015.
Going back to the beginning of this "journey" made me think about that 2am post again.
I'm not ready to actually go back and look but maybe when I hit the anniversary I might.
At some point I do need to go back and reflect.
Just not sure at the moment if that will build strength or sap it. So I can't risk it.

Hope your hangover died a quick death nigel. I'm jealous you have an office to hide in

Oh yes I'm very busy and important .
It also doubles as the sleep in room so more of a bedroom with a desk than an office, in case you were picturing me atop a shimmering tower block surveying my empire ala Alan Sugar...

I am a terrible lush its true...

I think you'd be within you rights to say to LCB that you are not comfortable with the dc's speaking to ow from your house-it's not necessary at this point and you aren't going to facilitate it. He will probably say you are being outrageous but fuck him-he will never speak well of you anyway and no doubt has spread it far and wide how awful/unreasonable/insert other bullshit here you are (ala the script and to justify his own behaviour to himself and others).you need not bother about offending him or him saying you are unreasonable-a) you aren't being b) who gives a toss what he says anyway?
If it's intolerable to you right now then that's the end of it.

Good new man update

I'm struggling with the fake it bit

I'm off work again today. Got the docs this afternoon.

I'm feeling pretty vulnerable. And alone.

My life feels so disconnected.

I have real life with my dc. Where I spend much of it holding back and pretending or worse, letting them see my frustration/sadness. Not often, but enough to bother me.
I have my friendships which mainly take place by text.
I rarely see people or if I do it's an hour here and there. And I don't want to bore them or only talk about me and my issues. And even if I wanted to, I often can't because the kids are around.
I think that's why I still need this. I don't hold back here and get it all out.
My "relationship" with new guy is also like this. With the occasional visits here or to his place for sex. I'm also holding back here because I don't want to scare him off. But I also don't want to lie by omission. He knows a bit. He knows I'm getting counselling. He knows LCB is not a nice guy. But I'm off work and it's the kind of thing you should tell your boyfriend but I don't want him to know I'm a wreck.

What I want is my safety net though.
I miss my parents. I miss my mum.
We were never the most cuddly family but if I was upset like I am now...

I just want someone to hold me while I'm upset. And I don't have that. I don't have anyone to do that with.

Oh Onit.....
You have lovely DC
You have hunky bf
You have friends
You have a house
You have a job
You are surviving

Not many people are out & about living it up as well as looking after DC/job/Hunk/
You are doing fine, you really are,
LCB will slowly slowly stop making your life miserable.
I miss my Dad.... I know how it feels.
Big BIG HUG

Thanks Mix
I know you're right! I know!

And I have a friend coming to stay tomorrow and new guy on Friday afternoon till Saturday.
There's lots of good stuff in my life.

And I'm better off without that fucking psycho in my life.

90% of the time I can see all of that. And it's been a while since I hit the 10% bit. And when I do it's 1% at a time mostly.
But this time the 10% seems to have hit all at once and I can't seem to shake it.

I don't want antidepressants because they take away all the feelings. The joy too. I just feel numb.

I just need time I think. Time to be sad. Time to be angry. Time to have fun. Time to process the massive changes me and my dc have gone through.
Even though these are ultimately positive (for me at least), I still feel shocked when I see it and still feel terrified when I think about the future with just me to rely on,

I'm not feeling very reliable at present.

Well I'm bloody livid, my 2 dogs just dug up my new turf !!!!!
so hand over the anti-D's I need them !
Bloody Sodding Buggars .........Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

It's not a linear journey though onit. You can feel great for weeks and then suddenly for no really reason it all hits you again like a ton of bricks.
If I were there I would give you a big cwutch and tell you it will all be ok.Because it will be. You have done so great so far-you've come a million miles from the beginning of this.
There is real happiness, on your own terms, ahead for you I'm sure of it.

I was quite a bit older than your kids (12) when I found out about my LCD (lying cheating dad) so I appreciate your DC might be more open to OW but eventually they will be old enough to ask questions and old enough for you to answer honestly without having to try to pretend. Coupled with the fact that these lying, cheating, conniving, self-serving cunts are clearly completely morally bankrupt and out for themselves - I just don't foresee this being a one big happy family situation. You are the good, genuine, honest, caring parent who put them first and did everything (including being the bigger person to a pair of lying cheating cunts) and this will all come out in the wash one way of another I GUARANTEE IT.

Keep being you onit, you're awesome! And I'm glad the new girl is still being lovely, making you feel special, and giving you the time of your life in the bedroom!

*new guy!!!!

Doc gave me a line for a week. And a script for different AD's which are different type to the citalopram. I told him they made me numb and I didn't want to lose the joy I still feel sometimes. He suggested I probably think normal is happy because my normal starts so much lower and that the AD's might just raise that a little. I told him I was paying for counselling and had joined the gym. That I was doing as much as possible to help myself. Then had the same conversation with my boss when I phoned to tell her I wouldn't be in till next week at the earliest.

I spent an hour or 2 weeding in the sunshine this afternoon while the dc played at the park. My front garden is a disgrace but my lovely neighbour has said he'll cut my grass for me the next time he's doing his because it's so long it might break my mower.

Anyway, I have a dilemma.
I told new guy I now had Saturday off. He was concerned I'd moved things around at work and might be losing money, I said no. Which is true. I get sick pay.
But the dilemma is; what do I tell him?
Can I show him the crazy yet?
If I tell him I've been signed off with stress and low mood I'll have to go into why. And I don't want to scare him off with tales of psycho ex's and ptsd.

But I can't lie either.
What do I say?

It's ok kitten, I'm not offended
And, if this doesn't work out with new guy, it might turn me off men for good.

Hmm if t were me I wouldn't tell him-not because it's anything to be ashamed of (at all) and by even because I think he'd vault at it (he sounds lovely and I don't think he would), just if it were me I would just want to keep that part of my life separate and wholly for nice stuff and not mae that with needing to talk about the less fun side of it all. But I do tend to compartmentalise so that approach might not work for everyone or even be the most sensible!
Can you not just tell him the shifts got moved round and leave it at that if you don't want to tell him the whole lot right now?

Was your boss understanding? Good that you got outside a bit-it's all that really helps me when my black dog shows up...

I might just do that.

Say I've swapped shifts with a colleague who's working mine this weekend and I'll do hers another time.

I'm like you nigel I think. I need it to be separate. At least for now.