Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

I've just reread that last post and I think my meds kicked in before I finished writing it because I've no idea what I was rambling on about at the end there

I'll be back to update later but got about s month of ironing to do so I must prioritise.

I am a little more up today though. Hard workout this morning so think I have some endorphins.

Well they do say that exercise is a big help when feeling low.i can't answer to it myself as I am extremely lazy and when feeling low am apt to stay in with the curtains shut and watch 12 hours worth of game of thrones (which is what I did yesterday as the girls are away with their dad for the week and I'm hating it).
I think you are going amazingly to get yourself up, out and to the gym at all!

That's my instinct too nigel
But if I give in to it, I'm so worried that I'd never get back up.

I've sent him a text this morning telling him the dates of our holiday (which overlaps one of his weekends).
I just don't know how to reply to his email about the holidays.
Am I jut being bitter? The dc like being with their dad.
Just because I want them with me doesn't mean I should keep them from him.
My argument about school nights doesn't stand in the holidays.

It's really hard-but I found I didn't have a leg to stand on re holidays and splitting time equally-or as equally as possible given that we both work full time so most of the long holidays they are farmed out to friends and relatives anyway . If he is off with them but at home (and vice Versa) he has them in the day whilst I work and we stick to normal nights at either house.could you suggest that?
However As mine has much more money than I do,on his weeks off with them they are normally on holiday away somewhere.I try (and fail most of the time) to focus on the benefit to them of being able to go on day trips that I can't afford/fancy holidays that I can't take them on. They shouldn't miss out because we are split up kind of thing.Obviously It's pretty galling for me, as I miss out on seeing them and clearly just the bloody Disney dadding aspect, but I'm determined that they won't see that.

I bloody hate it when it's holiday time and they aren't here. I see kids out with their parents everywhere and I feel awful. In fact I've taken a day off work this week as I'm too miserable to be there. Which is a waste of a days leave that I could spend with them at at later date, so now I'm annoyed with myself about that too!

I've arranged term time with work so I'm here for them.
Because he has flexitime he can take lots of time off too.
I want to argue that they shouldn't be living out of suitcases, that they can have a proper summer here playing with their friends, not only being in the company of adults when they're with him. He'll take them places and he'll take risks with them I wouldn't but, I let them play. I let them get bored. I give them routine. We're putting down roots here. Kids have come and asked if they'll go out to play and I have to say sorry, they're at their dads.
The kids will stop asking eventually.

I need to reply to his email soon but I really don't know what to say.
It needs to be firm, concise and polite. But still say fuck off, you're not taking the dc from their mum for 6 days at a time.
I don't like to think about it so I stick my head in the sand but I suppose I need to look at it properly so I can counter. But I can't bring myself to. It's heartbreaking.
I had dc to be with them. Not to lose them 50% of the time to a fucking psychopath who thinks he's the best dad that ever walked the earth and his skank gf who hasn't got dc of her own because she can't stay off the sauce!

It feels like I'm losing and I didn't even ask to play the fucking game

But if you've negotiated term time working only then there is no need to alter the arrangement-just because it's holiday time why should he think it should differ-over and above him being able to take them for two weeks holiday or whatever which is reasonable?

I don't think he's aware I have term time.
I never told him. And it's irrelevant right now anyway because I'm signed off.

He thinks the arrangements should change presumably because he wants them to.

I've just sent a short reply asking if he knows which week he's taking them in the holidays.

I await all holy hell

You really don't need to engage with him. Believe me I know it is difficult. The more you get drawn in the worse you'll feel, and round it goes.

You have arrangements in place. There was no suggestion that these would be variable. You have agreed to mediation (against your better judgement) to discuss further issues. That is where he can take proposals, and you can respond.

He will kick off. He wants a response. Don't give him one. Reply as above, and say that you wont be discussing this any more via email. And do that. Otherwise he's right back inside your head, and your anxiety levels will ramp up. It is that thing again. Control. You take it back. My late DM used to say this to me when I left DH, and the world was spiralling , and he was never stopping with the demands etc . It annoyed me (I am probably annoying you!). But .... it worked, even if only in the short term, and helped me stay calm.

I'm not suggesting that you and he may come to other arrangements at some point, or that the DC wont spend holiday time with him. But, he doesn't get to tell all of you when and how this will happen. It is about them, and stability, and setting into a new routine, and making new friends, and going out to play are crucial And the summer holidays are the time for all of that. They need this time at home with you, whilst seeing him regularly of course.

Really didn't mean to describe my XH as DH!

Lol MrsPav.

I think I will wait for his reply and say just what you said. He asked for mediation and that's where we'll discuss it.
I've tried so hard not to engage with him at all but, with one thing and another, there has been a need for some communication.

But he sees an in and tries to prise his way in to steal my power.
And it's me that has the power now. Whether he likes it or not, I'm the resident parent.

I have one of these white board wall planner things. Tonight I'm going to sit with it and plot out what I think the holidays should look like.

After agreeing at mediation that he'd stop requesting "payback", he used that exact phrase when asking about our holiday.
I had always planned to suggest he had an alternative couple of days before and possibly after our week away. I'm assuming when he has his week he won't be suggesting the same to me.

Hey ho, I'm feeling slightly less defeated right now.
I think because I actually replied.
But the next email from me will be informing him to bring it up at mediation. Like he wanted.

And I have a reply saying he's probably taking them away x-y date but is waiting till we've agreed the rota.
Also so he can organise time with his parents.

I've drafted a reply saying:
We have a contact schedule.
The holidays don't change it.

But I don't want to send it because that holy hell I was talking about will be in the post.

But that's the truth-you do, and he'd do well to remember that really... why is it all now up in the air because he so chooses it to be? Piss on that...

I'd just send a reply asking that he confirms his holiday dates as soon as possible. Ignore the rest. He knows you have a schedule, he knows that holidays don't change it. You don't need to tell him again. If he was serious he'd have raised it at mediation. As to his folks etc, that's up to him to sort. Fuck all to do with you. Again, if had a specific proposal for a weekend/few days to spend with them you could consider it. But it is up to him to suggest. It's ludicrous that he wants a list of their availability!

I know it's hard but you don't have to respond to his emails/calls barring emergencies etc. It will be liberating when you get this. I am not suggesting being inflexible at all by the way, but he is not your boss anymore.

He just doesn't seem to understand that I plan our lives based on our current arrangement.
He was livid in the Easter holidays when I said I didn't have a spare night to pay him back for the night they were going on a sleepover and I only acquiesced when he threatened to not let them go.
He got them at 6pm (bedtime 7; at home anyway) and I got them back at 8am to go see friends. They'd got up at 7am.
It has nothing to do with him missing his kids it's about appearances.
I keep thinking that someday I'll be pointing both my dc to the stately homes threads on here.
But I'm sad beyond measure thinking about them playing happy families with my dc.
And of course there's no pressure on them to keep uniforms clean or tidy all day everyday or worry about what'll happen if the fridge breaks or the car needs work.
Because they have 2 flats to compartmentalise everything.
Dc in one and day to day, work, couple-y, dinner parties and plotting in the other.

It is about control. Have you done the Freedom programme? You can do it online I think.

Also get the book Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven, part of programme. Tis brilliant.

I haven't done the freedom programme MrsPav. I remember it being mentioned a long time ago, looking at it and thinking "that's not me" and dismissing it.
Perhaps I need to look at it again.

Me and the dc have been invited to his parents on Saturday. His sister is dropping off my nephew here earlier in the day.
I am so dreading it. I fell to bits last time. Not while we were there but I cried all the way home in the car and took a few days to lift myself up after.
I'm worried because my mood is low anyway. My sick line runs out on Tuesday and I have an appointment with my gp the same day. I'm not ready to go back. I am still only getting 4ish hours sleep despite the antidepressants being sedative. I don't feel much different other than more tired.
I'm really struggling to get up in the morning and the dc are getting themselves ready most days. I'm not sure I could get ready for work apart from anything else.
Anyway, got a massive to do list today. Must get on.

I've been following your threads since he beginning but not commenting much. Just wanted to chime in with a little bit of awestruck admiration for how amazing you are doing. Just keep swimming! X

So don't go...why out yourself through it if you don't feel strong enough...chin up onit

and I've been reading since the very beginning too, and wishing above all that you hadn't been shat upon like this, and that there was an easy way through it all for you.

But I remember my marriage breaking up 21 years ago when the children were 10 and 12. I had to leave the marital home (family farm, several generations etc) and start again. My DXH told the children I had left them. I held my feelings as you are doing, and watched them dance off to their father for treats and excitement, and howled when I was alone. But they grew up, and saw things differently and came to their own conclusions. They see very little of their father now, and have scant respect or affection for him. I still feel that if I had added my hurt into the mixture while they were younger it would have made everything so much harder for them.

So I feel for you, and I think you are doing amazingly well. These years will pass and your children will respect you and love you for being their anchor. You won't need to tell them, they'll know.

I've nc back to my old name.

Today has been hard.
I've got LCB on my back to give him info for the holidays or he'll "assume I have no issues with his proposal"

I haven't the headspace for it.
I don't want to have to plan everyday of the 7 weeks summer holidays right now when I'm barely functioning beyond going through the motions.
But I've told him I'll get it to him by Monday. Mainly to get him to leave me the fuck alone.
I think I've had a text or email from him at least every other day for the last month.
I don't always reply but it messes with my already messed up head.

I haven't hoovered for a fortnight. I haven't cleaned my bathroom in longer.
I've been weeding. Or going to the gym.
I have seen lots of friends and I'm sure they think I'm fine but I'm really not.
I want to sleep for more than 4 hours.
I want to win the lottery and disappear with my dc.
I know these dates aren't significant to LCB. I'm sure he doesn't remember that ds was about to be admitted to hospital this time last year and that tomorrow her dp would find the string of messages sent while myself and ds were on the children's ward and he was home with dd drinking whiskey and contemplating leaving her asleep in her bed to go and see ow.
He still doesn't know I've seen these messages.
I think about them every time I send my dc off with him. Especially now I'm sending them off to both of them.

Why am I failing now?
I hate him. I don't want him. Actually I take back my lottery comment. I don't want to disappear. I want him to.
If I won the lottery, I'd figure out away to make it happen.

I want the happier me from a couple of months ago back.
I feel like my strength is dwindling.

I know I keep saying it. He is trying to take back control precisely because you are moving on. The constant texting and messaging is him harassing you. Different circumstances, but I was being constantly bombarded too. Voice messages, texts etc. You may not think this is you, but why not call WA?

I got an interdict, and blocked him on phones/email. It really saved me from going under, and let me have the space I needed. It wasn't for ever, but it made all the difference. I'm not suggesting you need to do this. But I am telling you that the level of texting/emailing you are enduring is entirely unnecessary, and abusive. You need to find a way to disengage. And don't get back to him. He can think what the fuck he wants. You have an arrangement in place. You know (at this time) it is what the DC need. If he wants a different arrangement let him try through mediation or legal channels. You might find he doesn't bother. If he does you'll be better able to engage when he is not harassing you constantly. I know it seems so difficult. It did to me, But it can be done. And you can do it!

Onit I would send an email, saying,

1. I have not replied as I have nothing to say to you,. 2 )The contact arrangements in place are clear. 3 )Should you wish to take them away on holiday (as opposed to a one bed flat in a city, or dump them on your parents, I will happily agree 4)I will need the exact dates proposed
2. constant harassment by email is necessary & invasive. & am therefore consulting your emails once a week. should anything urgent arise you can contact my sister (or willing other, I volunteer !)

So I sent my schedule last night.
I have a reply which states he is "astounded".
That we have an agreement for 50/50 in the holidays. Now, last summer I was still under his control. I agreed to lots of things in the first few months that, had I listened to those lovely posters who saw what he was while I still had my head up my arse, I would not agree to now.
I have managed to restate my position that custody is eow and 2 dinners irrespective of holidays, and have even had my lawyer put it in a letter that our current arrangement is working well and that having different arrangements in the holidays is unnecessary. The last correspondence was him disagreeing so therefore no agreement.
Personally I think it's destabilising for the dc who have adjusted well to the current arrangements because they know what to expect on a day to day basis. Not to mention the constant negotiations play total havoc with my mental state.
He has suggested we discuss at mediation.

This is my reply.
What do you think?

We have no agreement about contact other than what we have in place at the moment.
The children are my only concern and our current arrangement means they have stability and routine and know what to expect from day to day.

If you want to discuss it at mediation I'll hear your points on the 12th.

His disagreement was in January so he's had plenty of time to bring it up.

Is your lcb also my ex? He used words such as 'astounded' to try and make it seem as if I am behaving outlandishly and am being unreasonable.
Ignore that sort of hyperbole.
Your response is fine-send that and then discuss with him in the 12th.
As you are the primary carer (already agreed) and there is no need to alter that arrangement as you are off during the holidays I'm not sure he has much of s leg to stand on really, over and above actually taking them away on holiday for an agreed period of two weeks or whatever.