Onit's still on it! Thread 3

[onitlikeacarbonnet]

Hello to anyone who's still here

Links to previous threads.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2658829-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2690159-Anyone-up-DH-is-leaving-me-follow-up-thread-Onits-on-it

I'm carrying on with this as I'm certain I'd be in a much unhappier state without the support I've received here.
This has become my journal of sorts and I hope it's something I can look back on in time to see how far I've come.
I also hope it helps to document the truth of my situation for the future and perhaps, if read by others, will offer help and hope to them too.

How was the weekend onit?

Sorry to seem a nag onit but just hoping you are ok ?

I'm here!
Sorry nigel if I'm worrying you.

I'm not in the best fettle.
It's a hole I'm struggling to get out of atm.
The new AD's are knocking me sideways.
Managed to basically punch myself in the throat last night after almost passing out after jumping from a hot bath after taking them. (Difficult to explain without sounding like a total idiot) so I have a really sore throats and a dodgy voice.

LCB is everpresent which is im sure having an adverse affect.
There have been emails, texts, Skype calls to the dc and requirements to initiate communication myself due to things with the dc.

I honestly don't think I've been this low in nearly a year. And it is nearly a year.

My weekend away at my oldest friends was good and bad. Good in that I was able to squeeze in a visit to the bf (he lives only a few miles from her), and bad in that I know my friend just doesn't accept that LCB was/is abusive. She knows he's been a dick having an affair and she has cut contact with him since we split. She sees the shit he's put me through since the split too. The way he's been about money and his crap parenting decisions etc.
But (and it's a big but to me), although she hasn't said it straight out, she doesn't believe he was abusive during our relationship.
The way we got together, the way he proposed, the way he coerced me into all our big decisions (babies, moving house, how we spent/saved our money). As well as the little things like holidays, cars, how we spent our time.
She thinks these are just incidental.

It makes me feel like she's resentful she's lost him from her life.

This reaction is making me doubt my lifelong friendship with her. She should be entirely on my side. Shouldn't she?
Why isn't she hating him like all my other friends do?
I sometimes wish he'd battered me. Then I'd have scars and no one would be in any doubt that he was an evil bastard. As it is, I still feel I have to justify myself to people. But I wish I didn't have to do that with my best friend.

My counsellor has suggested I might want to tell her the big truth. The one which would leave her in no doubt he abused me. But I'm not ready to do it yet.

The way he is behaving towards you now, and since the split is evidence of abusive and controlling behaviour to be honest. Never mind what went on before.

But, for what it's worth I think there are two issues. The first one is the issue of his abuse. She may genuinely not understand, and it might be worth directing her towards some reading/internet info. That may help her understand. On the other hand, and this is ime, a possibility, she may have/had her own issues. You are only now coming to terms with your situation. A few years ago you may well have not recognised it as controlling or abusive. What you are saying may well be triggering to her, and she is not yet ready to face it.

The other issue is how she/others deal with LCB. I know it's hard, but it is possible to recognise someone's appalling behaviour towards someone we love without choosing to not/never see them. That's been my experience anyhow. Especially in the longer term, when the rawness goes. Really, I wouldn't be overthinking it all at this point. You've enough to deal with. It may be that you wont wish to continue the friendship but now is probably not the time to end it.

Hope the ADs settle down soon, and koko.

Thank you MsPav

Oh onit-glad you are back.

Coming up for the year anniversary of my thing I had a massive dip. It all felt awful again. Could it be anything to do with that? I put big emphasis generally on anniversaries and stuff, and that didn't help me with this at all.
I'm sorry you feel so low. But you Know the drill-this is temporary, and you will feel better, incrementally so you don't even realise the improvements at first... you can do this onit.
I know it's not easy to focus on the positives-but look how far you have come.

It's so hard with friends that don't seem to take on board fully what has happened. I have two such friends-they have been a great support to me and I feel so grateful to them-but they have also remained friends with him-(and boy has he worked hard to make sure that's the case), and I started to see doubt in their eyes when I was talking to them about the situation.People get sucked in, or they feel it's not their problem enough to want to take sides-or they just plain don't want to believe that their judgement could be so off and so just can't believe what is being said to them. It doesn't make them bad people, it's just empathy can only go so far if they haven't seen stuff st first hand or lived through it.They just don't want to believe it sometimes as it feels unsafe to them.
I have been hugely upset and privately angry at times at not having their unstinting support. But I have learned to accept that that's the way it is.We aren't as close as we once were and I watch what I say around them.But we are still able to be friends... just with a little more distance.
I look on it as a building a protective bubble around myself. It might be that that's what you need to do with your friend here for a little while at least until you feel stronger.
Maintain the relationship but avoid topics that you know are going to make you feel bad if she doesn't seem 100% with you.

It's a horrible feeling onit, when you don't feel you are getting the support you deserve from the people that should give it freely-you have my sympathies.
And i believe you. Not sure if that helps much-a woman you've never met, hundreds of miles away, over the inter web...but still...

Hang in there my love...

Thank you too nigel
It does help

Morning!

Got through the school event last night. At least bingo requires concentration so it was better than I'd feared.
Also my dcousin came along so I had company.
Last years was the day after he admitted the affair. That anniversary is 2 weeks away.
I'm 2 weeks away from the anniversary of the devastation of my future, my dcs future, and, probably more upsetting, I'm 2 weeks from the anniversary of the realisation that the previous 20 years had been a lie filled with control, manipulation and abuse. And I wanted to keep it!

I've moved on. I KNOW I'm better off. I'm happier without him. I think my dc are better off.
But I'm not coping being an adult. The lack of a safety net. Being part of a team. Having joint responsibilities. I miss the security of being part of a couple. Even having someone to please. I miss having someone to focus on. Even though I know that focus was unhealthy, it still motivated me.
I haven't learned how to do stuff for me yet, I guess. I still struggle with that. No idea why. It's not like he ever fucking noticed anything I did. So nothing has actually changed. Other than I'm not waiting for praise from him that never comes.

Fuck it! I'm doing something for me now. I'm off to the gym shortly. That's for me.

I'll be back. I have a feeling I'll be posting more often.

Gym is a good place to start-and more than I'm managing.>>ponders knee chub exposed by sudden heatwave forcing me into summer attire, regrets emotional eating for the last year and a half

But I'm not coping being an adult - you are though. You have coped admirably for the last year. You've moved house, you're working, your children are happy and healthy, you've maintained friendships and built new ones on here, you've started a relationship with a new guy that you're enjoying. You get through each day of life. You're still here. So, you are coping, and coping well.

Your future looks free, healthy and full of hope and promise.

Want agatha said.i think you are aceing the adulting actually!

MY GOD, Onit, if you're not a coping adult, then who is ? I ditto what Agatha says.
You have been so admirable, I can see that you miss the "company", being on your own is sometimes overwhelming.
but at least your have your bf, that was SO brave, & he's a really good lover :o)
Chin up, you have come through it, & LCB is stuck with that drunken slag in a one bedroom flat........ You are the winner 100%

Had our night out last night. Dropped the dc at LCB at 1.30am.
I was so glad of the lie in this morning,but west hung ds stagger across the lawn to LCBs door was not nice.

I awoke to an email with his rota for the summer holidays.
Basically he expects to have the dc almost every other week. I haven't looked at it in detail because I literally folded in a crumpled heap on the floor. I think it looked like 4 blocks of 4 or 5 days.

I've picked myself up and spent the last 3 hours weeding (garden is still half a wilderness) and trying to figure out where to go from here.
He knows I believe our contact schedule should remain in place during the holidays and I said it again at the last mediation with the addition that he could have a week to take them on holiday (or whatever he wants to do)

I'm ignoring the need to reply atm but I'm unsure where to go now.
I haven't the strength for this now. I know I don't.

This is the point I want to rock in a corner and sing to myself.

I'm so done in.

Actually it's worse it's blocks of 5 or 6 days.
I've just looked at it briefly again.

He knows I believe our contact schedule should remain in place during the holidays and I said it again at the last mediation with the addition that he could have a week to take them on holiday (or whatever he wants to do) - so perhaps a very brief reply stating that this is not in accordance with the schedule discussed and agreed at mediation, and that you will be sticking with that original schedule?

He's trying it on, just like he always does. You don't have to agree with it though, particularly bearing in mind that your dc probably won't want that amount of time away from you, and that he will probably dump them with his parents anyway.

You know, it might be time, at the next mediation, to bring out your card about OW's less than suitable lifestyle, and the amount of time your dc spend with his parents when they should be with him.

He's at it again. Although you feel done in, I don't expect you at looking or acting it.

He is absolutely raging that you're more than coping, continuing to be a great parent, looking amazing, and worst of all (and for the first time) challenging him. He can't fucking believe you've not simply curled up, and capitulated to him.

Remember what I said about the relationship dynamic continuing although you are apart? He simply assumed that he was going to be in charge of you (and DC) as he always had been. You are breaking away (magnificently btw). When he responds it's natural for you to feel down, and panicked, and possibly look to appease in the first instance.

But, you don't have to respond at all. And you shouldn't. You set your position out at mediation. That is where it can be addressed again. You are doing what is best for the DC . Fuck him.

you are

Unlurking to say brilliant post from MsP

KOKO, Onit....

Don't precipitate an answer.
Think about it when the hangover has worn off, & had time to consider.
He has not been awarded any kind of 50/50,
if he has them almost every other week, he will reduce payments remember.
Agree that you can mention, "OW's less than suitable lifestyle, and the amount of time your dc spend with his parents when they should be with him."
what is he planning to do with them in their one bed flat ?

Another de lurking.
Just a thought,any chance that BF was previously 'interested' in LCB?
I'm probably way off mark but I have a bad mind where BF's and husband's are concerned.
Anyway and for you.

I don't think so maras2, but I guess anything possible.

Mediation is another 3 weeks away. I probably can't leave it unanswered till then, can I?
To clarify, I have told him that contact won't change in the holidays, it has never been formally agreed. But, then again, nothing has.
I also said I wouldn't discuss custody at mediation because he'd got his lawyer involved in that.
The last mention of contact from my lawyer to his was to say more or less what has been said already.
Maybe I just need to speak to my lawyer again before replying.
I don't want it to have to go to court. They're so little.
And I'm so worried that he'd get his way if it did go to court. He would charm them all I'm sure. And I'd look like the evil, bitter ex trying to keep his dc from him.

At least I've peeled myself off the floor. Only onto the sofa, but still.
I'm not hungover. I can't drink on my new drugs and had to drive back anyway to drop the dc at his. I'm not a drinker. I have a glass of wine or a g&t once a week, if that.
Though I might have a large one tonight.

sorry, it wasn't an accusation...an assumption !
Just ignore him. If he asks again, you just flip him the bird say you offered a week so he could take them on holiday, other than that, the routine remains unchanged,
Don't even discuss it, let him sit & spin.

You can leave it. Arrangements are in place, and you are now in mediation. These are ongoing at the moment, not to be changed because the DC are not in school. Their main residence is with you regardless . They're not possessions to be divided equally.You've said it before, Scottish courts prefer this option.

Speak to your lawyer, and if he continues to make a fuss perhaps a letter can be sent.

Most of all try to not panic, and let him back into your head/factor him in your decision making. That is what he is trying to do here. Not only that he doesn't give a fuck about the DC, although I accept he loves them Look at all his previous behaviour, and how he disregards what is best for them now.

Xxx

I'm still awake despite taking my sedative meds

Sorry mix I didn't think you were accusing me. So no apology required

I'm ignoring it all for now.
I have the dc back, gym in the morning, counselling at lunchtime and seeing my dcousin in the afternoon before getting the dc back again.
I'm amazed frankly that they haven't fallen to pieces. But I guess they still might at some point. If they dibthiugh, they get s holiday x