Lost a post on Wednesday and didn't notice 
Maybe just as well. I was almost at my lowest point.
Mediation was as I expected.
I got most of my points over, though I was self regulating and in that process it all seemed so petty.
Bedtimes and chicken nuggets
He said he misses the dc and would do anything to spend more time with them.
(Like moving into a city centre 1 bed flat with your gf 10 minutes from work and an hours drive from school)
He asked if I'd consider them sleeping over on a Sunday night and I said no. And I will continue to say no until the dc are able to take responsibility for their own school bags, uniforms etc.
I just kept saying that they were doing as well as could be expected and why would he want to risk destabilising them. He has 2 flats ffs! I already have to reset them after a stay with him as they sometimes don't know where they are when they wake up.
I mean where would they stay? Potentially 1 night at his and ow, next at his mums and the next at his unlived in flat.
They could be in 4 different beds in 4 nights 
. If he thinks that's an acceptable way to treat the dc, I'd be arguing that he always said he couldn't sleep the first night in a different bed. Why should he force his dc into that scenario.
I made my point about the "payback" thing. Not sure what he said obviously but he agreed that in the future he wouldn't demand time back.
He also said he wanted a face to face meeting with me. I said no way and, given I was shaking and jittery because I thought I could hear him through 2 closed doors, the mediator was ok with that. She actually said she didn't think it was a good idea.
God, I hate myself for even thinking it but, god I hope that is how it goes Fuzzy
I'd love him to disappear from my world and, if I could remove him from my memory, I totally would.
I was a different person a year ago. I was even more different 18 months ago.
I'm feeling much better today.
I went to the gp after mediation and have been signed off for 3 weeks. That's taken a bit of pressure off I think.
I saw my bf (did I just call him that? 
) today and we had a lovely, lazy day.
And, once I got the dc back from LCB and settled in bed, I had my book club round.
First time in my house. I was nervous. This house is not like my old place. But it went very well. Though no one particularly liked my book 
not even me tbh 
I'm looking forward to seeing my friend, her dp and kids this weekend. We haven't visited since before we moved. It was almost exactly a year ago when we last visited as a family of 4, and LCB had told me he was unhappy and thinking of leaving though denied that there was another woman. I spent that weekend trying to prove I was worthy of him and pretending to my best friend that everything was normal.
I'm feeling stronger today but there is a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about going back there. I know I'm stronger than I was then but he lives in my memories of my friends and, I think because she hasn't seen what he's done Day to day for years and years, and likes to see the good in people, she doesn't get my fear and loathing of him,
When I tell her he's a psychopath, she nods but I know she thinks I'm overreacting.
She's my oldest friend. I love her like a sister. I need to know I can let the crazy out this weekend if necessary. But I'm worried that I dip while I'm there.
But, the dc will have a blast so that's the main thing.
Anyway, epic post I fear. And time for bed 2 hours ago.
Thanks again for the pep talk. Apologies if it seemed I ignored you.