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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

213 replies

saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:25

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
happybiggirl · 13/02/2007 21:27

Message withdrawn

dressedupnowheretogo · 13/02/2007 21:28

oh my gosh i hope you are ok any friends or family that can come and sit with you

i'll hold your hand pass you tissues on here if you want in the mean time

Carmenere · 13/02/2007 21:29

Well nothing may or may not have happened but why has he pin locked his phone?
Sorry for you and I hope you can work this out.

CountTo10 · 13/02/2007 21:30

Give yourself some space and some time to sit and consider what you want. This is a tough situation and a big decision you've made - and a brave one at that. Take some time out just to gulp the wine down, take in what's going on and try and figure out what you want. Are you prepared to have the relationship over permanantly? Could you trust him again that kind of thing. It must be horrible for you - big hugs {{{{{}}}}}}

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:30

I daren't ring anyone because I don't know if I want him back or not and Idon't want to oh I don't know what I want. I'm so upset, it feels like everything is crushing in around me

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:30

Oh you poor thing.

Is there somebody who can come and be with you tonight? It's a terrible shock for you and of course you feel awful, but this is not necessarily the end. You need time to think, to gather yourself and to talk to DH honestly.

I don't want to think of you on your own tonight.

You are going to be alright.

dressedupnowheretogo · 13/02/2007 21:31

maybe ring a really good friend and tell them to bring some wine

pinkchampagne · 13/02/2007 21:31

Oh how awful for you, I'm so sorry you are going through this.
Have you got someone you could phone, who could maybe come & sit with you tonight?

ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:32

Do you have something that will relax you. Wine? Chocolate? Put your pyjamas on. We'll talk to you tonight. There's always somebody up.

You're in shock.

Don't try and make any decisions/reason it out now.

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:32

I do love him, but how can you trust someone again when something like this happens. I'm just not a forgive and forget kind of person; it feels like the biggest betrayal to me. Has anyone else suffered something similar?

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:35

I know people on here and in rl who have been through similar things and come out stronger. If you trust that it hasn't gone further than he says then chances are that there is a reason for this behaviour. This does not excuse it but it does mean you can resolve the problem and move on. It will be very difficult and painful but you don't have to think about it now.

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:35

I just can't bring myself to tell anyone - it hurst so much and to top it off I've started with a migraine so can only see half of everything...apologies for typos etc. I've rung one of the girls I am close to at work and explained. She will tell them that dd has been up all night with sickness.

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:37

If you tell somebody close to you, they won't judge you. It's nothing for you to conceal/hide/feel ashamed about. I'm not saying you need to broadcast it, but if you have a close friend you really trust then some company might help you tonight.

ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:38

And a close friend will respect you if you say you don't want to talk about it, you just want to sit with a bottle of wine and cry/watch TV/eat chocolate.

pinkchampagne · 13/02/2007 21:38

I found out my husband had kissed another woman, it was around a year before we got married & I was hurt beyond belief by this. He swore nothing more had happened, but the kissing was enough in itself - especially as he rarely kissed me.
After 3 days of him begging & pleading I decided to give him another chance, but it took me a very long time to get over it & learn to trust him again.
I can imagine how devastated you must feel right now.

pinkchampagne · 13/02/2007 21:40

Agree that it could be helpful to talk to someone if you can, just for a sympathetic ear.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 13/02/2007 21:41

oh sweet

DOnt know what to say. But, I will say that principles are all well and good, but, sometimes things can be sorted out and got through.

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:42

Our life has been somewhat unusual since having dd. We don't sleep together, which suited in the beginning due to obvious tiredness etc. It's only in the last couple of months that I've thought about rekindling our old life and thats where I've felt quite one-sided. DH is a strange character and I've accpeted him totally for this...he is only too well aware of this. I feel do I want to rock the boat and regret it later or is it best to draw a line under it all. It's would have been our 4th wedding anniversary on March 1st and dd's 3rd birthday on the 7th. It feels awful, truly awful. I showed him the Valentines card I'd bought him nd waht I'd written in it, then promptly tore it up. If dd had made on for both of us....oh GOd, it's desperate.

OP posts:
morningpaper · 13/02/2007 21:42

saythatagain, I'm so so sorry you are going through this

Things will seem different in a few days... a week... you will be able to think clearly again

For what it's worth I think that you are taking the right approach, giving yourself some space to think

You can move forwards together if that is what you both want... but it will take a few days to see clearly again

We are thinking of you xxx

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:46

I'm accutely aware of taking the moral high ground and then regretting it. We fit, or so I thought, so well together and for that reason, for him to do that makes all the more hard to swallow. What is it that makes someone think one way or the other about their future in these circmstances?

OP posts:
Sallyheartshapedstrawberry · 13/02/2007 21:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkchampagne · 13/02/2007 21:52

I don't know the answer to that, but hope he has learnt from his mistakes & that you can work things out.

ShowOfHands · 13/02/2007 21:55

I've got to go for now but will check this thread first thing tomorrow. You will have more questions than answers at the moment. You can get through this if you both want to. Try and get some rest, don't make yourself ill.

Cashncarry · 13/02/2007 21:57

Saythatagain - it's all very raw and far too soon for you to be thinking about whether or not you're "taking the moral high ground" or even how this situation will resolve itself. I think you've done the right thing asking him to leave to give you time and space.

You'll go through a whole mishmash of emotions over the next few days: grief, anger, resentment, disappointment. The background you've given about not sleeping together and you having to make the effort with your rship are all relevant but what's important is that he's done a terrible thing to you.

I'm not surprised tbh he's said "it meant nothing". It's typical isn't it and heartbreaking for you that he would break your heart over "nothing".

Did you manage to get hold of someone to sit with you? If not, we're all here for you - you're not alone. If it helps, tell us how you are feeling at the moment?

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/02/2007 22:28

He's just rung again now, desperate to come over now or tomorrow to talk about how we can sort this out....'I'll do anything to make it right'. I don't want to let my pride get in the way of what could be fixed but at the same time I feel such resentment and uncertainty. Can I truly learn, over a period of time, to let this go and leave it in the past? Am I going to let it fester inside of me (being the non-confrontational type...much to my annoyance)? i just don't know. I worked so hard to accomodate him, acquiesed (sp?) to his funny ways, being so thrilled when he agrees to do do something together as a family.....not much to ask in other peoples relationships I would imagine but it's hard work trying to please people all the time especially someone who is very static in their ways....'I won't be told what to do'..... I'd love to have that attitude!
THis is someone has 'needs to have time to himself'...thats just the way he is, blimey, if only I could do that.

Trouble is, I'm partly responsible for that in letting him get away with that so I guess I'm as angry with him as I am with myself for being essentailly a people pleaser of the highest order and that quite sad to me.

I know everyone' situation is different but I would be very interested to hear of what other people have done in this situation. TIA

OP posts: