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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just asked my dh to leave - I hope there is someone to talk to tonight

213 replies

saythatagain · 13/02/2007 21:25

For some time I've noted a difference in dh; so much so that I confronted him a couple of weeks ago asking if he was happy etc etc. He said he was but I just couldn't shift the feeling. There were a couple of pointers like when he saw me looking at his mobile phone and then the next thing he's got a pin on it. Fast forward to tonight (he has a new phone), he was downstairs with our dd. I looked at it and saw messages received/sent leaving me in no doubt that my instinct was right. Dd was still up so I very calmly asked him that we need to talk and showed him his phone. He followed me into the kitchen and said 'I don't know what to say', 'nothing has 'actually' happened between them' (it's someone from his work). He gets very upset, distraught and I'm actually quite calm. Continues to say it meant nothing, they kissed a couple of times, it's a friendship that got out of hand.

I am absolutley devastated and feel that awful physical feeling I felt when I first had my suspicians.

I know dh well, I do believe him when he says that nothing more happended other than the couple of kisses but what hurts more than anything is knowing how he lied so convincingly, the content of the texts (nothing sexual)- the words. He is a person who does nothing without giving it thought and so I am unable to accpet he didn't do what he did on a whim.

He begged and begged to let him stay but I told him he had to leave so his sister came to collect him. He's just called now to ask if I'm ok; I just put the phone down.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 15:35

I might suggest that, given dh's personality I wouldn't hold out much hope. I would hate to hedge all my bets on saying we go or we're finished. My SIL suggested it too.

OP posts:
Mellowma · 20/02/2007 15:37

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Mellowma · 20/02/2007 15:39

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Mellowma · 20/02/2007 15:39

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Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 15:42

If he won't go then I really worry about your future together. They will help you both. It will help you get over it - which is what he wants - and it will help him to understand - which is what you want. If he won't go to relate and won't stop contact with his friend and wants to brush it all under the carpet then what will he do (except say he's sorry and insist you hurry up and get over it).

I'm sorry but please get him to go. I'm so worried you're going to end up in the same rutt as before, but this time without the trust.

Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 15:43

I'm so sorry for you too Mellowma - men can be so stupid. There's no such thing as only an affair. Because that equates with "They're only your feelings and self-respect". Hope you're ok. x

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 15:44

Well, maybe I will ask him. I was about to type something along the lines of 'but I don't want push dh' - then thought what on earth am I worrying so much about him for?
I suppose what I mean is, if I have it my subconscious that if dh says no to Relate, then that means it's all over for us. Does that make sense?

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 16:00

You are coming up with alot of truth for yourself....
If someone can't do that littloe thing for you what is the point...?

I'll shut up again now...

Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 16:22

Look at it this way - of course, he won't say no to Relate because he says he loves you and he says he can't go on without you. Put the ball in his court and then you know how prepared he is to follow through from words to action.

I know it's hard for you and I know you feel like one minute, you're happy with what he says and the next minute he's doing it all wrong.

I personally think you need some time to think about what it is you want from him. Is there any chance you can get away to a mate's house - even just for the night? It puts such a lot of pressure on you to have him there day after day expecting you to just "get over it".

I'm surprised at people intimating that you should ask him to leave. Even if you were considering divorcing him (if and when you gave him the opportunity to sort himself out) surely it would be amicable for your DD's sake rather than "here's your bag, get lost"!

Original poster
saythatagain · 20/02/2007 16:41

I would be devastated if he said no to going because that would, I suppose make me realise that he perhaps doesn't love me as much as he says he does. God, that makes me sound so weak

OP posts:
mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 16:48

I don't think anyone has intimated that he should be thrown out have they??

Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 16:52

You're not weak because you love someone and you want things to work out. If he says no to Relate despite his protestations of love, then HE's weak and doesn't deserve you...

Honestly, try not to worry. He does sound as if he wants to work things through. He's possibly needs some strong direction from you so that he knows exactly what's expected of him.

Rhian101 · 20/02/2007 17:06

I agree wholeheartedly. You are not weak! He must now put his money where his mouth is. If he says no then you can ask him why this step to save his marriage is so much harder than the step he took to break it. Relate are not about blaming someone - if that's what he's worried about - they are about mending things and looking at where the relationship went wrong in the first place.

Cashncarry · 20/02/2007 21:33
mumto3girls · 20/02/2007 22:52

Cashncarry - no offence was taken

Original poster
saythatagain · 21/02/2007 09:01

Well, we had more talks last night. I got in from work absolutley wrung out, tears streaming down my face and generally a wreck. So, we stuck dd in front of Tom & Jerry and went to discuss how I was feeling. Dh was, I have to say, everything I could have hoped for; he agreed to counselling without hesitation, understood that it would be hard work for me to regain his trust, he said it was the biggest regret in his life that he could do something so stupid. He said he would be relieved when the other person left purely because he could see how totally awful and wretched it must make me feel knowing that she works within the same team. He acknowledged how much easier it could have been for me to walk away and how it is taking a lot for me to deal with this; accepting that nothing will be fixed within a set time.
I felt quite a bit better after that and slept much better last night. This is the first morning I don't have aching joints and a jittery tummy, which must mean progress fo sorts.

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 21/02/2007 09:09

Oh I am sooo pleased! I thought he'd have to be a real bgger not to agree to counselling, I'm glad he was so supportive! For the first time since this thread started I can really, really see you guys coming out of all this happy (I hope I've put that right, I don't mean I couldn't* see you happy, it just seemed an awfully long way off).
Well done you for telling him everything and well done him for confronting what he has done and taking responsibility.
I would get straight on and sort out relate - strike while the iron is hot! Fingers crossed all round methinks.

Original poster
saythatagain · 21/02/2007 09:25

Thanks so much Rhian. I/we haven't a clue about how you go about the Relate thing, but I know SIL and DB went so I think I'll ask her. Yes, things are tenetatively looking up. You've all been there in a way that I couldn't begin to explain to people in RL. I hope good things happen to all of you for helping me through this. x

PS This isn't me finishing the thread because it would feel too final to such a big thing that has happened in my life iykwim!

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 21/02/2007 09:33

Anytime
You can find you re nearest relate centre at (this never works for me) relate

Let us know how it all works out, you lovely, much-tougher-than-she-thinks-she-is lady!

orangeblosson59 · 21/02/2007 10:30

hi sta so pleased for you try not to doubt your decision you will do what is best for your family at the time you have coped brilliantly it does get easier,as i said before you have surprised yourself in your strengh,you will be happy again!!!!you will get through this together and you will be able to look back and think it would have been easier to walk away but you didnt you are happy and dd and dp will be too but dp should think himself vvvvery lucky to have you

Rhian101 · 26/02/2007 22:40

Hi STA. How's it going? Just wondering if things had improved. Still think about you, hope you're ok. X

Original poster
saythatagain · 27/02/2007 09:59

Hi Rhian - it's strange, because I was thinking about posting up and update.

Things are going ok/well. Although the past couple of days have felt like I'm taking a step or two backwards. Those feelings of total negativity/nausea etc. DH continues to support and says all the right things (with sincerity). He feels terrible about what has happended etc, etc but sometimes I find it really hard to see past what has actually happened and it drags me down to almost where I was when it all first happened.

One thing I do do is come out and say how I am feeling and that does make me feel better. I know at some point it has to be me that finds it in me to forgive (something that dh is only too well aware of) dh for what he has done. DH is worried about me because of the person I am.....someone who thinks and thinks and thinks!

I am assuming that it is time that will help. I am wondering if there is anything anyone else in a similar situation has done to help themselves?

OP posts:
Rhian101 · 28/02/2007 13:12

Time will heal, but that's very little comfort. Have you been to relate at all. They will be able to offer suggestions on how to move on. There are books you can get on the subject too. Hope it all works out for you. I'm glad your husband is taking responsibility and that you are letting him know how you feel. Keep it up! x

Original poster
saythatagain · 13/03/2007 09:01

I'm finding it a real struggle to move on from what has happened. In the grand scheme of things that can happen, what dh did do doesn't seem worth all the pain/anguish/hurt etc that I am continuing to feel (albeit to a lesser degree). He continues to be reassuring about us, how utterly stupid he has been and that we will come out of this stronger. So why do I still feel so rotten, both physically and especially mentally. I seem to swing from being all right to feeling like I'm back to square one with it all. It's a month to the the day today that I found out it all and I don't think I've moved too far from where I was back then. Am I being to unfair on myself expecting too much too soon?
This weekend I couldn't resist taking a look at dh's mobile and found a number I didn't recognise; it was all absolutley innocent as it turned out, but what I'm thinking is why am I still being so paranoid and almost waiting for dh to slip up iyswim?
I'm ringing Relate later too, I'm hoping that will help me to move on from this.

OP posts:
fairyjay · 13/03/2007 09:19

Is it possible for you to arrange a break together - possibly without dd?

You must be kind to yourself.

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